David Healy quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

You're in big trouble, and your punishment is not going to be sex with your boyfriend!

Darlene

Well obviously, you've never had sex with my boyfriend.

David

You know, it's a good thing I'm not living with my abusive mother.

Darlene

David, you're so important to me, I mean, we were each other's first love. But people who don't explore other relationships end up becoming... my parents.

David

He can't love you more than I do.

Darlene

David, stop!

David

Y'know, if you sleep with him and you don't like it, I'll take you back.

Darlene

David, PLEASE don't say anything else nice to me! Y'know, this is hard for me, too.

David

Fine...I can't believe I wasted three years of my life with you, you coldhearted bitch! Did that make it easier? (slams door)

Roseanne

You haven't been feedin' me a load of the truth, have ya?

David

Yeah. I thought that's what you'd like.

Roseanne

David, obviously you know very little about this family. We have raised three children without the truth, and we've managed to do very well, thank you, without your consarned newfangled ways.

Dan

Hi, honey. David, what are you doing up?

David

Well... I heard this noise, so I came downstairs to see what it was, and it was this huge bird... that was caught in the screen door there, I got it out, and then he left.

Dan

[nonchalantly] Okay. [saunters back to bed]

Roseanne

See?

Jackie

Wha- Did you hear that?! D.J.'s gonna take something that's dead and bring it back to life- that's like playing God!

Darlene

I'm sure God was thrilled by that comparison. [She walks over to where D.J. is thawing the bee] Ooh, nice- we haven't cooked out in a long time!

D.J.

It just takes a minute.

Jackie

I feel like there oughta be spooky music playing! [she makes lame spooky sounds]

Darlene

Please, please be a killer bee! Why don't you just zap it in the microwave?

D.J.

Tried that. Blew up.

David

[walks in] What are you doing?

Darlene

Bringing a bee back to life.

David

Okay [leaves]

Jackie

Y'know, D.J., bees are very intelligent creatures, and their amazingly devoted. I read someplace that if you kill one, the whole hive comes and finds your scent and kills you.

Darlene

Actually, it's his scent that tends to kill them.

D.J.

D'you see?

Jackie

Oh, my God Darlene look, it's a miracle, the bee's alive.

Darlene

[very bored] Truly, He is the Son of God.

D.J.

See, I told you I could do it! Look, he's getting ready to take off- there he goes!-

Darlene

Now, if you bring that one back, I'll be really impressed!

David

(trying to rework the Lunch Box menu) Mrs. Conner, I know that you want to compete with that restaurant, but you can't have me keep drawing little red hearts next to the Chili Cheese Fries, and call it the "Lite And Healthy" menu!

Roseanne

You're right, David. So why not draw a cancer-riddled colon? That'll draw 'em in!

DJ

Quick, David. You gotta help me. A couple of my mice got loose and if my mom finds out, she's gonna kill me!

David

If two little mice live and one little boy is killed, then justice has been served.

David

You know, Mrs. Conner is gonna love this new linoleum.

Dan

No, no, no, no. Don't tell her it's new. See, every couple of years or so, she asks me to clean behind the stove, and I've always found that doing this is much easier.

David

(being deprogrammed under a light) No, Mrs. Conner. I want to go back to Edelweiss Gardens so I can help people have fun again!

Roseanne

(a little angry) All right. Let's go over this one more time. Your name is David Healy--you frown, you're introspective, and you mope.

David

I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening.

Roseanne

Listen to me, David. We don't whistle while we work! We grumble and complain and encourage others to do likewise.

David

Oh no, no, no, no!

Roseanne

Yes! Yes! Yes! Let me tell you a little something about your Edelweiss Gardens, David. It's mediocre food and mediocre fun at best. And you know why I know that, David? 'Cause I am an EXPERT on what is mediocre.

Roseanne

That's good! You hate me now, don't you David?! You're feeling hate. You hate me right now, don't you?

David

No! No, no I don't! (back to smiling) You're a paying customer, and I respect and admire you!

Roseanne

(slaps him) LIAR! Break, damn you!! Break! Listen to me, David! RABBITS AND GEESE AND GOATS ARE NOT PEOPLE!! THEY DON'T SING AND DANCE!! THEY'RE FOOD!!!!!!!!!

David

(broken) NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Roseanne

There...There.... Welcome home, son.

David

(on moving to Chicago) There is so much to think about. Should we each buy our own food? Should we split the utilities? Should we have separate phone lines?

Darlene

You know, erm... or we could just get married.

David

Yeah right! To who?

Darlene

No, I mean, come on, there's a lot of advantages to being married, right?

David

Oh, I get it. You mean so we can get all the gifts and money from our friends.

Darlene

Our friends? The only thing we'd get from them is beer and mono. David...

David

You're serious about this aren't you?

Darlene

Yeah, I am.

David

Oh my God! (They kiss) Wait a minute! Haha, okay, Now you're gonna tell me you're kidding, right?

Darlene

Nope. Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.

David

How? When?

Darlene

When? Disney World!

David

You mean... that night after the fireworks?

Darlene

Either that or it really is a magical kingdom.

Roseanne

Let's see, David is pale and kind of weak-kneed and all nervous, so no clues there. But Darlene wants to sit next to me, and she said something nice to her brother. Ooh, I wonder. I know--you're pregnant!

Roseanne

(yelling) That was my joke guess!

David

We're also getting married.

Roseanne

(Turns to Dan) Well this is just great. I can get one of those T-shirts that say 'World's Greatest Grandma' on it. And you can get yourself, um, I don`t know, a cane or something.

David

I, David, promise to always love and respect you, Darlene, my fellow traveler on this planet, as we tread lightly and replenish what we have taken from this earth.

Roseanne

(to Dan) I guess we'll have to return the deer rifle we got him. Did you hear that, did you hear what I just said?

Dan

Deer rifle.

Darlene

And I, Darlene, promise to love and respect you, David, as we strive not for material possessions, but for contentment and peace of mind.

Roseanne

I think she's got marriage mixed up with a nap on the porch. How come you're not laughing? Did you hear that?

Dan

Deer rifle.

Darlene

And we know the best way that we can make it is to rely on each other, the way our parents, Dan and Roseanne Conner, have.

David

No matter how good or bad life has been to them, they always found the humor in it. We hope we can do the same.

Roseanne

I didn't even see that coming. Did you hear that?

Dan

Yeah, I heard that.

Jackie

Hi, everybody! (notices Darlene, who's pregnant) Darlene, how ya doing?

Darlene

Well, I've had morning sickness, evening sickness, roll-down-the-window-when-you're-driving sickness, my shoes don't fit, my rings don't fit, my clothes don't fit, my vision's blurry, and if you want to sit a spell, I'll tell you about my brand-new hemorrhoids! (smiles cheerfully; Jackie grimaces)

David

Takes about ten minutes.