Have you thought about names?
JackieNo, I haven't decided yet. Here I am, about to give birth and I haven't even decided on a name for my baby.
Oh, now don't get all worked up. Just name it the first thing that comes into your mind. You can always change it later.
Jackie
You can't change it later.
Well, of course you can. We don't call you Marjorie, do we?
Jackie
Why would you call me Marjorie?
Because that used to be your name, only Roseanne couldn't pronounce it. She kept calling you "My Jackie." We thought it was so cute. We all started calling you My Jackie, and after a while, you just became Jackie.
Jackie
My name...used to be Marjorie.
Yes. It probably still is; I think that's what's written on your birth certificate.
Jackie
You don't even know my own name? You're supposed to be my mother!
We told you all this years ago.
Jackie
No, you never told! No, never, never, never, never, never told me that.
Now, Jackie, don't upset yourself. It's no big deal.
Jackie
"It's no big deal"?! It's my name! You go ask a thousand people if they think that's a big deal, they're gonna say yes, that is a very big deal!
All right, how many people did you date before you met me?
Jackie
Well, do you mean dated at all or dated seriously?
Jackie
Oh, I'd say only a few.
Good... not that I mind if you've slept with lots of guys...
Jackie
Oh, well slept with! [chuckles] That's not what you asked me.
Jackie
Fred, it's not that many. I'd say three a year.
Since you were what? Eighteen?
Jackie
[thinks] Okay, we'll go with that. [Fred looks discouraged] Come on Fred, it's not THAT many! Let's see, three a year for 20 years is... 60... wow.
Wow... I don't even know 60 people...
Jackie
Well... I didn't know all of them.
(Roseanne's talking to Jackie about Dan's reaction to his mother being admitted into a mental institution)
Jackie
Maybe he was ashamed.
Ashamed? He's been married to me for 21 years. You'd think he'd be numbed to shame by now.
Jackie
I don't know, Roseanne. It is kinda bad. I mean his mom beat our mom to the loony bin.
Jackie
Fred is so nervous about waking the baby up that he is beginning to... gloss over some vital areas.
Oh my God, are you talking about... ?
You mean, he gets in the elevator, but... he won't go down?
[disgusted] If I wasn't gay before, I would be now.
Well, if you weren't gay before, then a whole bunch of guys owe you a big apology.
[on their new neighbors]
Jackie
My God, Roseanne, you want a cheap thrill, go rent a porno movie. At least those people want to be watched.
Yeah, but those people ain't, like, 112 years old!
That's no excuse. If anything, it makes it more wrong, more sad and more sick.
Jackie
[taking Roseanne aside] They're really old?
[guffaws] Oh yeah! I'm sure they'll never forget where they were the day Lincoln was shot.
Jackie
They're completely naked, all the time?
Sometimes he wears a hat.
SStacy
I used to think that people that insulted me were just mean, stupid or horrible. But now I think it's just because they've never had really good sex.
What are you talking about?
SStacy
Well, here's a really good test. Have you ever done it, and when you were through, your hands were just filled with his hair, but you don't remember pulling it out?
Well, I'm leaving. I'm going to have a respectable conversation with a couple of longshoremen.
[She leaves in a huff]
Jackie
Stacy!
SStacy
I'm sorry! I was just trying to help. Are you mad at me?
Jackie
[grabbing their jackets] No, no! Come on. The way you just treated my mom, I feel like dancing!
Jackie
Wha- Did you hear that?! D.J.'s gonna take something that's dead and bring it back to life- that's like playing God!
I'm sure God was thrilled by that comparison. [She walks over to where D.J. is thawing the bee] Ooh, nice- we haven't cooked out in a long time!
Jackie
I feel like there oughta be spooky music playing! [she makes lame spooky sounds]
Please, please be a killer bee! Why don't you just zap it in the microwave?
[walks in] What are you doing?
Bringing a bee back to life.
Jackie
Y'know, D.J., bees are very intelligent creatures, and their amazingly devoted. I read someplace that if you kill one, the whole hive comes and finds your scent and kills you.
Actually, it's his scent that tends to kill them.
Jackie
Oh, my God Darlene look, it's a miracle, the bee's alive.
[very bored] Truly, He is the Son of God.
See, I told you I could do it! Look, he's getting ready to take off- there he goes!-
Now, if you bring that one back, I'll be really impressed!
[Roseanne and Jackie were infiltrating the diners competition at night planting dead fish. Attempted to put one in the air vent and got stuck in it.]
Jackie
I know! We'll turn on the stove, the heat will cause the metal to expand, and then you can get out!
I'm standing on the stove! ...It's amazing how you can have your head stuck in a vent and still not be the stupidest person in the room.
Jackie
Rosie, 12 people just showed up at my house, do you have a turkey I could borrow?
RRosie
A turkey? (pulls a turkey on a platter out from under the sink) Well I just happen to have one. Bake for one hour at 350.
Jackie
Thanks Rosie, you saved my marriage, again, and my backside. Bye-bye and buy bonds!
(A talk show host and camera person walk through the door of the Lunch Box)
Jackie
Roseanne, do you know who that is? That's Cindy Kenner from "Wake Up Chicago". She's on every morning at 8:00 a.m.
Oh, well I never see it because I never stay up that late anymore.
Roseanne · 578 quotes
