Jackie Harris quotes from Roseanne

Jackie

Roseanne! Roseanne! Where are you? I've got to tell you something!

Roseanne

(rushing out to the living room in her bra) What? Where's my baby? What?

Jackie

We won the lottery! This is the winning lottery ticket, I've got it right here! Remember, you told me to watch it on TV!

Roseanne

What are you talking about?

Jackie

We won the lottery, I can't believe it!

Roseanne

What lottery?

Jackie

The lottery! The Illinois State Lottery, it's the biggest one in the history of Illinois! It's 108 million dollars!

Roseanne

You mean, you mean--

Jackie

We're the people that picked the six winning numbers.

Roseanne

Oh my God, so you're telling me -- (pauses while Jackie seems to be gasping for air) -- you're telling me -- (pauses again as she seems to be trying to grasp the subject) -- you're telling me that we won the Illinois State Lottery for 108 million dollars; is that what you're telling me? Is that what you're telling me??

Jackie

Let's tell Dan!

Roseanne

NO! Dan has just had a heart attack and this kind of thing could kill him!

Dan

What's going on?

Roseanne

Don't panic!!

Dan

Why, what's wrong?

Roseanne

Nothing, nothing is wrong.

Jackie

Nothing is wrong. Nothing will ever be wrong again.

Roseanne

Dan, Dan, I have something to tell you, but before I tell you, you have to promise me that you are not going to collapse or turn blue or anything like that.

Dan

Scout's honor.

Roseanne

WE WON THE LOTTERY!!!

Dan

OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD, WE WON THE LOTTERY!! OH MY GOD!!

Roseanne

(talking to DJ) Hey, hey. Go get my shirt.

Jackie

Hi, everybody! (notices Darlene, who's pregnant) Darlene, how ya doing?

Darlene

Well, I've had morning sickness, evening sickness, roll-down-the-window-when-you're-driving sickness, my shoes don't fit, my rings don't fit, my clothes don't fit, my vision's blurry, and if you want to sit a spell, I'll tell you about my brand-new hemorrhoids! (smiles cheerfully; Jackie grimaces)

David

Takes about ten minutes.