Becky Conner quotes from Roseanne

[about D.J.'s reaction to his Dad's accident] Dad, he's crazy.

Dan

He's showing concern, which is more than I can say for certain others in this household, considering what happened to me yesterday.

Darlene

You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take one shot. Now that is love.

Dan

[patting Darlene on the head] Thank you, dear.

[to Darlene] Oh right, suck up for the inheritance!

Darlene

Okay, she wants to see the blue dress, let's show her the blue dress. [Darlene and Becky leave the room to show Roseanne, then, starting a loop, come back immediately] It's too blue. [In an orange dress] Looked better on the hanger. [In a red dress] Rhubarb with hair. [In a green dress] Makes too much noise when I walk. [A different blue dress] Makes me look lopsided.

[following Darlene] Well, you do look like Judy Jetson.

What's all this fuss about Mother's Day? I don't remember us getting like a Kids' Day.

Dan

Someday, my precious angel, you too will be a parent and then you will realize that every day is Kids' Day.

Darlene

God, don't you just want to smack them when they say stuff like that!?

Darlene

[on the phone] Hello? ... Oh, yeah, hold on, Mark. BECKY, ZIPPY'S ON THE PHONE! ... So Mark, did you dial the phone yourself or did Daddy help you? ... Oh now, that's not very nice. Do you use that filthy mouth to kiss my sister?

Give me the phone, Darlene.

Darlene

Let me just say goodbye. [belches into the phone before handing it to Becky]

Roseanne

God, I hate Kathy Bowman!

And today's reason is…

Darlene

Ahh... Becky? D.J. made a sundial out of birth control pills!

What?

D.J.

It even tells the days of the week.

Gotta go, Mom. Love you. [hangs up the phone]

Darlene

Geez, Mom went to Vegas without these? She really is a gambler.

D.J.

They're not Mom's.

D.J., Jackie's probably looking all over for these! Listen, you are not to take these to school, understand? Now you go and find something else to make your sundial out of.

D.J.

Okay, I'll go put these back in your drawer. [leaves]

You know, I don't believe you Darlene. I help you out with your paper and you get me nailed for it.

Darlene

Look, I apologized for that yesterday. Besides, I didn't ask for your help. You just felt sorry for me and I don't need your damn pity.

Are you kidding? You're begging for it. [mocking Darlene] "Oh, high school is too hard. My friends don't like me. Nobody understands me." Well, then DO something about it, you little wimp!

Darlene

Shut up, Becky! You don't know what you're talking about!

Of course not, 'cause you're so complex, you're so deep. Well, that's crap. You're just a whiny little basketcase who's milking this depression thing for all it's worth. So here it is, four in the afternoon and you get to do exactly what you want, well, way to go. Now excuse me, but I got a zillion chores to do or Mom and Dad are gonna kick my butt.

God, I hate my life!

Dan

Tough day, honey?

My job sucks, my boss is a big dumb jerk.

Dan

(still looking at paper) Too bad, dear.

And I can't quit because there's never any money around here for anything I want.

Dan

Sorry, sweetheart.

And if you expect me to clean up this rat hole, you're nuts! I'm taking a bath and going to bed.

Dan

(continuing to look at the paper) 'Night, Rosie.

Mark just gave me my Christmas present a little early.

Dan

What'd he give you.

Dad, I'm kidding. I got it out of a gumball machine. It's a joke.

Dan

Don't you ever do that again.

Okay, I'm sorry, I thought you'd laugh.

Dan

No, that was not funny. That was cruel. [Looking out the kitchen window] Ooh, here comes your mom. Do it to her.

Darlene

Maybe he needs to be changed.

I changed him five times already.

Darlene

Well, maybe you did it wrong. (Baby talk) Maybe you gave him a little baby wedgie.

Jackie

Well, they must have a lot of confidence in you!

 Yeah right, all I have to do is count to ten.

Darlene

Don't wear mittens, it'll slow you down.

Mother!

Roseanne

Well it was funny, Becky.

Jackie

Hey Beck, where's Darlene?

Well, they said she couldn't be in the commercial dressed like death.

Dan

She go home?

Not yet!

Darlene

Shut up.

Dan

Why, Darlene! You look--

Darlene

Shut up.

Jackie

Oh, come on! It's not so--

Darlene

SHUT UP!!

Darlene

I can handle this.

You can't take her, Darlene.

Darlene

I'm not gonna try. I'll just talk my way out of it.

D.J.

Okay, just stay down.

Darlene

You don't believe me? Dad, can I talk to about something?

Dan

Coming.

Darlene

Watch.

Dan

Yeah, Darlene.

Darlene

Listen, I'm really sorry I called you "Wide Load" yesterday. I mean, I meant it to be funny and I really thought you would laugh. But I've been thinking about it, and now I realize it was really insensitive.

Dan

Darlene, tie your hair back really tight so she can't swing you around with it.

You're dead, Darlene.

Darlene

Oh, man.

Dan

Rope-a-dope, Darlene. Keep your arms up in front of your face; eventually, she'll wear herself out.

Again, remember, we're here for Jackie. Now who wants to start?

Dan

I guess I'll go first. If you're married to the same woman for nineteen years, isn't that proof enough that you love her?

Roseanne

You know, Arlene, he has some other woman's name tattooed on his arm!

Dan

It's your name!

Roseanne

It's NOT my name-- it's Mrs. Kennedy's name!

Dan

I'm never gonna get this dumb thing off. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life.

Roseanne

Well, now you know what it's like to be married to you.

Jeez, cut it out. I mean, did you forget why we came?

Jackie

Thank you, Becky.

Okay, I wanna talk about me and Mark.

Roseanne

When are you gonna get over him?

Jackie

I can't believe this! I'm paying for this session. You guys aren't here for me at all! You're just here to work out all your own family crap!

Darlene

[weakly] Excuse me. [She's wearing a neck brace] I don't mean to interrupt, but it's time for my medication.

Darlene

(To David) Do you think you could keep your paws off me for like one minute?

David

I was just holding your hand.

Darlene

Well I'm sick of it, so back off, OK!

(To herself, still in her lonely funk) Oh God, I miss having a boyfriend.

Darlene

We walk to school together, like, every single day, you're outside every one of my classes, you put your arm around me in the hallway.

David

You're my girlfriend.

Darlene

Yeah, well I liked it better before when you were "David" and I was "Darlene." Now we're like this "DaviDarlene creature" like we were fused together in some nuclear accident.