Becky Conner quotes from Roseanne

Darlene

Did you get felt up?

No.

Darlene

Huh! I did.

Darlene

(on the phone) Hello? Yeah! I'd love to. Friday night? Yeah, I was hoping you'd call. You wanna buy me dinner? Well gee, what's in it for you? Oh, sure I put out. Everybody knows that.

Roseanne

Darlene, what are you doing?

Darlene

Oh don't worry, Mom, he thinks it's Becky.

Roseanne

Oh, OK.

Mother! I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!

Darlene

[as Becky chases her] Sorry, gotta go. [Hangs up, to Becky] 7:30, don't dress.

You're dead!

[mockingly] Sorry, Darlene, am I in your way?

Darlene

Well, we got a 19 inch TV, and you got a 25 inch butt.

Mom, Darlene's hogging the bathroom. She's doing her homework and she locked me out, and I really need to get in.

Roseanne

Darlene's doing her homework! Oh, honey!

Dan

Oh, it's a proud, proud day!

Darlene

Mom, I worked it out with Becky. She's gonna stay home and babysit D.J., and I'm gonna go out.

Roseanne

Now, why would she make a deal like that?

Darlene

Well, I had dirt on her.

Roseanne

... What kinda dirt?

Darlene

Now, if I told you, I'd have to stay home. (leaves, Becky comes in)

Roseanne

So, what do you think your punishment oughta be?

What do you mean?

Roseanne

Darlene told me everything.

That little rat.

Roseanne

I told her I wasn't going to do anything about it till I get your side of the story.

Well, first we... wait a minute. (grins and shakes her head) Uh-uh.

Roseanne

...You're gettin' good.

Darlene

If D.J. was doing something weird, now I don't mean normal weird, I mean really weird, we'd have to send him away, right?

Roseanne

Yeah, but he'd find his way back, like you always do. What's going on?

He's doing something really weird.

Roseanne

Gosh, I am so tired of this, you know. It's really really boring, every time the kid does anything, you girls come down here squawking about it. Now I told you before, he doesn't do things the way you do them, he does them differently. He's a boy!

Darlene

Real different.

Roseanne

Oh, it looks like D.J. got himself a hobby.

Mother! These are my old dolls!

Dan

Oh geez, he's not playing with dolls, is he? (Darlene shows him the box of beheaded Barbies) That's a relief.

Darlene

[Becky's new boyfriend knocks at the door] I'll get it!

Roseanne

No, Darlene, no! We're going to embarrass your sister in an orderly fashion.

God, I hate this family.

Jackie

Are you sure?

Dan

Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years: every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.

Crystal

I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly pleasant today.

Dan

And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly pleasant"?

I'm gonna be at the mall.

Darlene

I've got basketball practice.

Crystal

Me too.

I can't believe this! You guys weren't mad when you thought I did do it, and now you’re mad 'cause you know I didn't? God, maybe next year I ought to moon the class photo so you guys are proud of me.

Roseanne

Make sure it's your own butt!

No one could eat this crud.

Dan

Hey, if you don't finish your crud, you're not gonna get any crap for dessert.

Darlene

From down the street?

No, the guy I went out with.

Darlene

Oh, yeah! The stupid one.

He's not stupid, he's gorgeous. I mean, you just wish you could meet a guy like that.

Darlene

Yeah well, if I wait a couple years, he'll be in my grade.

(to Dan) God! You're beginning to sound like Mom!

Dan

Hold it! (to Roseanne) If I find that really insulting, will it bother you?

Hello. This is Barry Parker. Is this Darlene?

Just a second, Barry. I'll get her. (screams) DARLENE! HURRY! IT'S HIM!

Darlene

OK, I just became the kind of girl I hate. Now gimme the phone.

Darlene

I got fifty bucks you can borrow, Beck. That'll leave you with only $12.50.

What's in it for you?

Darlene

Well, I'll lend you the money, interest free, then when I'm sixteen, we share the car.

You think I'm gonna share a car with you? No way.

Darlene

Then forget it. Junior Miss can take the bus until she's forty.

I just don't want you to hate Mark.

Dan

I don't hate Mark.

Mom does.

Dan

Oh, Mom definitely hates him...definitely...hate. Mom does, yes.