Becky Conner quotes from Roseanne

D.J.

I'm not getting it anymore.

Roseanne

I know that's Crystal. I've already talked to her fifty times today.

Dan

I'm not home.

Jackie

I'll get it. If it's Crystal, I'll talk to Crystal.

If it's Dean...

Jackie

If it's Dean or Dana, you're not home. I know. [into phone] Hello. Yeah. Yeah, just a second. [to David] David, it's your mom.

David

Tell her I'm in the shower.

Dan

First of all, let's just say that...you going away for the weekend to a rock concert with the nearest adult five hours away...that was never gonna happen, no matter how you sucked up.

Well, it's unanimous.

Darlene

Yeah, I'd say that about wraps it up.

Dan

I don't think so.

OK, we'll apologize to her before she, like, explodes. [she and Darlene snicker]

Dan

She's not gonna 'like, explode', she's too busy cryin' her eyes out. I'm the one you gotta worry about, 'cause I'm VERY angry, and I don't like you very much right now.

Oh, so now we're also supposed to apologize to you---

Dan

Shut up! [to Darlene] And so I don't have to say it again in a minute, you shut up, too! Now, you guys just don't get it. You see, she thought that you were actually going to do something nice for her...you know, like you cared. And that would have been the very best thing you could've done for her today, but you just ruined it.

Darlene

Well, what should we do?

Dan

You're gonna make it up to her.

Alright, we'll think of something---

Dan

No! No, you had your chance. Now it's my turn.

You know, you act like you're the only ones with problems around here.

Dan

Boy, you are the most selfish piece of work I have ever seen in my life! Do you have any idea what we're going through?

Do you have any idea what I'm going through?! I mean, today may be the last day I'll ever see Mark again, okay!

Roseanne

Whoa. What are you talking about?

He got a job offer in Minneapolis and I'm telling him to take it. And it's all 'cause of you.

Dan

Excuse me?

If you knew how to run a business he'd still have a job and he wouldn't be leaving. [breaking down in tears] Now I don't have Mark, I don't have college, I don't have anything! You blew it, Dad! You blew it for everyone in this family!!!

Roseanne

Becky, you shut up!

Come on, Mother. You know it, everybody knows it, I'm the only one with the guts to say it! [storms out]

Roseanne

That is not true, Dan. I would have the guts to say it.

Hey, is anybody home?

Darlene

Hey look, it's Joanie and Chachi.

Mark

How ya doin', little brother?

David

Fine, except thanks to you, now I'm related to my girlfriend.

So where's Mom?

Darlene

She's in the kitchen...with the knives.

Mark

Want me to go in there with you?

Darlene

With... THE KNIVES.

Mom, Darlene won’t let me put the beds next to each other so Mark and I can sleep together tonight.

Roseanne

Just so I know, who am I supposed to be mad at?

Darlene

I am NOT moving to D.J.'s room so she and my dork-in-law can conceive some demon spawn in my bed! I'm gonna go sit on my bed until morning.

Mark is my husband, Mother. We're not going to stay in this house if we can't sleep together.

Roseanne

Fine. [hands Becky the frozen chicken] Beat the hell out of this chicken, please.

Darlene

Take it easy.

You too.

Darlene

I'll miss you.

Will you call?

Darlene

Promise. I love you, Becky.

I love you, Darlene.

Darlene

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

Roseanne

All right, knock it off.

Darlene

See you, bubble butt.

Later, Morticia.

Roseanne

I cannot believe they replaced that Darrin.

Jackie

It was a hit show. They knew they could get away with anything.

(Sarah Chalke) I like the second Darrin much better.

Shhh! Mark's reading.

Roseanne

Oh well, I hate to ruin the ending of it for ya, Mark, but he eats the Green Eggs and Ham.

Mark

I'm studying upstairs. [leaves in a huff]

Don't pick on him, Mom. He's really doing it this time. We've spent all day working together. I can't believe how much he's learned.

Roseanne

Well, does this mean that we'll have to stop spellin' stuff out that we don't want him to know about?

Roseanne

[to Becky who is now again played by Lecy Goranson] Where the hell have you been?

Just getting this.

Roseanne

Took you long enough, seems like you've been gone for 3 years.

Darlene

Where the hell have you been?

(laughs) Why does everybody keep saying that?

Hey check it out! There's a bottle of peppermint schnapps with a card from Mom. (reading card) "Dear Leon, congratulations on 5 years of sobriety."

Darlene

Man, she is twisted.

Darlene

So, what did you like better, Becky? Schnapps in coffee, schnapps on the cake, or schnapps over ice cream?

(drunk and confused) Ok.

Darlene

Man, you are schnapp faced. What the hell are you doing back there?

Just a little meat sculpture. (lifts platter with meat in the shape of Roseanne's head) Guess who this is. (imitating Roseanne) Darlene! Becky! My back's itchy right in the center!

Darlene

God, it's mom. It's Mom Tartare.

How long do you think it will take to cook Mom's head?

Darlene

2 and a half hours at 350. I've thought about it a lot.

Oh, Darlene, you're not going to believe what I just found!

Darlene

Your virginity? No, wait, you left that behind a dumpster at K-Mart

Wow, look at all this stuff! I don't know where to start.

Roseanne

Well, I'll simplify it for you. Crackers are the appetizers we had in the car and, well, pasta, that's spaghetti and I would not pay $12.95 for a plate of spaghetti if they had Mr. Chef Boyardee hisself in the kitchen there.

Look, Mom, I found some really great colleges and..

Roseanne

But..

What's the but?

Roseanne

Mark is the but, I must go on about my point.