Darlene Conner quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

OK, next subject. Dan, how was work?

Dan

Well, today was a special one for me. It was the 179th day in a row where I did exactly the same thing!

Darlene

Well, DJ over here is well on his way to shattering that record.

Darlene

D.J., I bought you your video games yesterday- you keep your mouth shut about David, or you die.

D.J.

(defensively) O.K. (pause) Why is David here, anyway?

Darlene

(takes a soda from her fridge) Because he couldn't stand your smell either.

D.J.

No- really, why is he here?

Darlene

Because we wanted to be together.

D.J.

(confused) Why?

Darlene

Because we... do. (smirks) When you have a girlfriend someday- or, a really good blow-up doll- you'll understand.

D.J.

... Do you guys have sex?

Darlene

(smirks, then acts defensive)... That is not for you to know!

D.J.

I'll tell Mom about David.

Darlene

All right- all right, D.J. I'm gonna level with you and talk to you like you're an adult. No- David and I are not having sex.

D.J.

They told us at school: If you don't want a baby, you better use birth control.

Darlene

(pause, then walks past him and sits down)... No, no- this conversation is not happening.

D.J.

Do you use birth control?

Darlene

(sarcastic) Yes, D.J.- we keep a picture of you right next to the bed.

D.J.

(comes over and sits next to her on the bed) You're not ever coming home again, are you?

Darlene

You should be so lucky.

D.J.

(annoyed) It's all different now!

Darlene

(frowns) What is?

D.J.

Everything. Becky just cares about Mark, and you're gone.

Darlene

(pause, then smiles) Well, gee, Deej- I never thought you'd actually miss me. (puts her arm around his shoulder and ruffles his hair) You want me to, like, sit on your head or something?

D.J.

Mmm- nah, maybe later.

Roseanne

Hi, David. I found this, uh, pen, is it yours?

David

[scared] Um...no.

Roseanne

Oh, OK. Well, I'll be going then. ... Oh wait a minute, I forgot to shred the crap outta you two!

Darlene

Mom...

Roseanne

No, you're not talking. You're not talking for a very long time. And you better sit down, 'cause this is gonna take a while.

Mark

Hey, Dave-o.

David

Hey, Mark.

Roseanne

You're in big trouble, and your punishment is not going to be sex with your boyfriend!

Darlene

Well obviously, you've never had sex with my boyfriend.

David

You know, it's a good thing I'm not living with my abusive mother.

Mark

Man, I hate tests.

Darlene

Oh this one's different. When you're done with this one, you don't hand the nurse a plastic cup.

Darlene

Only in our family could somebody be nuts for 20 years and nobody notices.

Roseanne

Oh, we notice, Darlene. We're just ignoring you.

D.J.

It's wrong to use swear words, right? So how come you swear so much?

Roseanne

Well, because... um... sometimes it's real hard not to, you know. But... if I swore as much as I wanted to, I'd never say anything else... so... so, you see, I'm- I'm using restraint, and God loves that.

Darlene

You wanna know why I swear, D.J.?

D.J.

Yeah, why?

Darlene

Shut the hell up!

Darlene

David, you're so important to me, I mean, we were each other's first love. But people who don't explore other relationships end up becoming... my parents.

David

He can't love you more than I do.

Darlene

David, stop!

David

Y'know, if you sleep with him and you don't like it, I'll take you back.

Darlene

David, PLEASE don't say anything else nice to me! Y'know, this is hard for me, too.

David

Fine...I can't believe I wasted three years of my life with you, you coldhearted bitch! Did that make it easier? (slams door)

Roseanne

I hope you weren't doing it for some reason to rebel against me and your dad, 'cause there's other ways to aggravate us besides frying your brain cells. You know, look at Becky, she never did drugs, she married Mark.

Darlene

Well, there is a Young Republican that I'm interested in.

Roseanne

And I want you in this house for all the holidays, okay - Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Black History Month.

Darlene

Well, what am I supposed to tell my job when they say I have to work?

Roseanne

Just say no.

Jackie

Wha- Did you hear that?! D.J.'s gonna take something that's dead and bring it back to life- that's like playing God!

Darlene

I'm sure God was thrilled by that comparison. [She walks over to where D.J. is thawing the bee] Ooh, nice- we haven't cooked out in a long time!

D.J.

It just takes a minute.

Jackie

I feel like there oughta be spooky music playing! [she makes lame spooky sounds]

Darlene

Please, please be a killer bee! Why don't you just zap it in the microwave?

D.J.

Tried that. Blew up.

David

[walks in] What are you doing?

Darlene

Bringing a bee back to life.

David

Okay [leaves]

Jackie

Y'know, D.J., bees are very intelligent creatures, and their amazingly devoted. I read someplace that if you kill one, the whole hive comes and finds your scent and kills you.

Darlene

Actually, it's his scent that tends to kill them.

D.J.

D'you see?

Jackie

Oh, my God Darlene look, it's a miracle, the bee's alive.

Darlene

[very bored] Truly, He is the Son of God.

D.J.

See, I told you I could do it! Look, he's getting ready to take off- there he goes!-

Darlene

Now, if you bring that one back, I'll be really impressed!

Darlene

Where the hell have you been?

(laughs) Why does everybody keep saying that?

Hey check it out! There's a bottle of peppermint schnapps with a card from Mom. (reading card) "Dear Leon, congratulations on 5 years of sobriety."

Darlene

Man, she is twisted.

Darlene

So, what did you like better, Becky? Schnapps in coffee, schnapps on the cake, or schnapps over ice cream?

(drunk and confused) Ok.

Darlene

Man, you are schnapp faced. What the hell are you doing back there?

Just a little meat sculpture. (lifts platter with meat in the shape of Roseanne's head) Guess who this is. (imitating Roseanne) Darlene! Becky! My back's itchy right in the center!

Darlene

God, it's mom. It's Mom Tartare.

How long do you think it will take to cook Mom's head?

Darlene

2 and a half hours at 350. I've thought about it a lot.

Oh, Darlene, you're not going to believe what I just found!

Darlene

Your virginity? No, wait, you left that behind a dumpster at K-Mart