Darlene Conner quotes from Roseanne

Your father and i are really brothers.

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(on moving to Chicago) There is so much to think about. Should we each buy our own food? Should we split the utilities? Should we have separate phone lines?

Darlene

You know, erm... or we could just get married.

Yeah right! To who?

Darlene

No, I mean, come on, there's a lot of advantages to being married, right?

Oh, I get it. You mean so we can get all the gifts and money from our friends.

Darlene

Our friends? The only thing we'd get from them is beer and mono. David...

You're serious about this aren't you?

Darlene

Yeah, I am.

Oh my God! (They kiss) Wait a minute! Haha, okay, Now you're gonna tell me you're kidding, right?

Darlene

Nope. Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.

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[about Darlene's pregnancy]

How? When?

Darlene

When? Disney World!

You mean... that night after the fireworks?

Darlene

Either that or it really is a magical kingdom.

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Darlene

I got six sticks of dynamite strapped under here; the first chuckle takes us all out.

Nana Mary

Darlene, ya look lovely- and don't worry, that little baby in there doesn't show at all. Ya know, all us dames, we all got knocked up before we got married- it's like tradition!

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I, David, promise to always love and respect you, Darlene, my fellow traveler on this planet, as we tread lightly and replenish what we have taken from this earth.

(to Dan) I guess we'll have to return the deer rifle we got him. Did you hear that, did you hear what I just said?

Dan

Deer rifle.

Darlene

And I, Darlene, promise to love and respect you, David, as we strive not for material possessions, but for contentment and peace of mind.

I think she's got marriage mixed up with a nap on the porch. How come you're not laughing? Did you hear that?

Dan

Deer rifle.

Darlene

And we know the best way that we can make it is to rely on each other, the way our parents, Dan and Roseanne Conner, have.

No matter how good or bad life has been to them, they always found the humor in it. We hope we can do the same.

I didn't even see that coming. Did you hear that?

Dan

Yeah, I heard that.

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Jackie

Hi, everybody! (notices Darlene, who's pregnant) Darlene, how ya doing?

Darlene

Well, I've had morning sickness, evening sickness, roll-down-the-window-when-you're-driving sickness, my shoes don't fit, my rings don't fit, my clothes don't fit, my vision's blurry, and if you want to sit a spell, I'll tell you about my brand-new hemorrhoids! (smiles cheerfully; Jackie grimaces)

Takes about ten minutes.