Darlene Conner quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

I don't care Darlene, there's no adult there, I want you to go home right now.

Darlene

Come on mom, you know I vowed to never use my teleportation powers for personal gain.

What the hell do you care? You really want to know what I was doing tonight, because I will tell you.

David

Shut up, mom!

Don't you tell me to shut up! This is my house!

David

Why did you even come home?

You apologize! [slaps David] You apologize to me!

David

I'm sorry.

Telling me what to do, when you got you're little girlfriend, spending the night? Dragging Conner trash over here. Another slut just like her sister! [storms upstairs. David and Darlene are both on the verge of tears]

David

Darlene, I'm...I'm sorry.

Darlene

Hey..."slut" didn't bother me. "Just like her sister" part that hurt. (she hugs him)

Darlene

What happened to Aunt Jackie?

Roseanne

Some say environment, but I think she was born that way.

Darlene

No, I mean was she, like, in an accident or something?

Roseanne

No, why?

Darlene

Well I saw her upstairs and her back's all bruised up.

Roseanne

She didn't tell me nothing about it.

Roseanne

Now I need you to do me a favor.

Darlene

OK.

Roseanne

OK, we need milk. And on your way, could you swing by the jail and bail out your dad?

Darlene

Well, well, well!

Dan

[groaning] Aww, man!

Darlene

(grinning) My, my, my, my, my!

Dan

What are you doing here?

Darlene

You know, I'll bet when you imagined us in this situation, you always pictured yourself on the other side of those bars.

Dan

Where's your mom?

Darlene

Organizing the candlelight vigil.

Dan

Come on Darlene, I don't have time for this...

Darlene

Oh, I think you do. She took Aunt Jackie to the hospital, so I'm here to post bail. But I'm a minor, so that means I have to give the money to the suspect... which I guess would be you.

Dan

Gimme the money.

Darlene

All right, but I want you to know it's coming out of your allowance.

Darlene

I just couldn't go on being part of the Connor family money-making death machine.

Roseanne

Oh, now you come up with a name for the restaurant!

Darlene

Doesn't it bother you that you make a living by exploiting animals?

Roseanne

You just don't get it, do you? We are too low on the food chain to exploit people; all that's left for us IS animals!

Darlene

[to David, who is heating up a hamburger in the microwave oven] You're still eating meat?

David

Oh, come on. I tried to stop, okay, but I realized, I'm a carnivore.

Darlene

So are wolverines, but I don't let them heat up their prey in my microwave.

D.J.

"Gather round, ye citizens of Lanford, and hear the tale of the founding of your town. Many years ago, Vikings came to America and discovered Lanford, but it was already one of the thirteen colonies. So Abraham Lincoln sent them home. He freed the Vikings. And then the Indians came with Geronimo and..."

Roseanne

Hey, hey, hold it. Where did you come up with all this stuff?

D.J.

Darlene told me.

Roseanne

[to Darlene] Hey, I'm surprised you left out the part where Moses led his people out of Lanford. [to D.J.] Never believe anything Darlene tells you.

Darlene

Except what I told you about sex. That was all true.

Roseanne

[to D.J.] I want you to go to the library and look up the real story about the founding of Lanford, OK? Go to where we check out the videos and ask where the books are.

D.J.

Okay, but I'm looking up the sex thing too, so be ready!

Darlene

What? So you're just leaving?

David

What do you care?

Darlene

Hey I care!

David

No you don't!

Darlene

Of course I do! I love you! :[Slight pause, David is shocked] Jerk.

David

Really? Are you sure?

Darlene

Yeah, I'm sure you're a jerk.

David

No I mean not - wow! Why didn't you ever say it before?

Darlene

Hoping it'd pass.

Dan

My God, I can feel it. The hormonal balance in this house has shifted. AND THE MEN ARE VICTORIOUS! [in mock British accent] Come men, let us repair to the living room. We shall watch The Three Stooges and we shall scratch ourselves.

[after Dan, D.J. and David leave, look at each other and chuckle] Pizza.

Darlene

Is it OK if David takes me to school?

Dan

Did you ask your mother?

Darlene

Yeah.

Roseanne

I'm OK with it, how about you, Dan?

Dan

Sure, what the hell.

Darlene

Thanks, Dad.

Roseanne

Are you sure? I mean you had like the whole day planned.

Dan

I'll just get drunk and watch the football game. I'm flexible.

Roseanne

God, I hate when you do this, Dan. Your daughter comes in here and walks all over your feelings and you act like it doesen't hurt you at all. Everyone can see how upset you are and here you are, hiding all your feelings in the stupid cake. Now you've ruined dessert! [throws away cake Dan was eating]

Dan

...I didn't think I'd take it that hard.

Darlene

Yes, this is Mrs. Conner. No, he hasn't been able to make it, he's been very sick.

Roseanne

Don't mess with the master, Darlene. You guys are in so much trouble, I am going to make you wish I was never born. Oh, and by the way, I know that you and David made up, too.

Darlene

How'd you find out?

Roseanne

'Cause you just told me.

Darlene

Trust me, he goes in that room 'cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time. Which means he's either really, really good at it or really really bad at it!

Roseanne

Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, y'know, 'cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!

Darlene

Well, don't worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?

Roseanne

Let's talk about DJ's school.

Darlene

Yeah, I heard he got caught playing with his instrument in band.

DJ

I'm not in band, stupid!