Darlene Conner quotes from Roseanne

Mom, Darlene won’t let me put the beds next to each other so Mark and I can sleep together tonight.

Roseanne

Just so I know, who am I supposed to be mad at?

Darlene

I am NOT moving to D.J.'s room so she and my dork-in-law can conceive some demon spawn in my bed! I'm gonna go sit on my bed until morning.

Mark is my husband, Mother. We're not going to stay in this house if we can't sleep together.

Roseanne

Fine. [hands Becky the frozen chicken] Beat the hell out of this chicken, please.

Darlene

Take it easy.

You too.

Darlene

I'll miss you.

Will you call?

Darlene

Promise. I love you, Becky.

I love you, Darlene.

Darlene

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

Roseanne

All right, knock it off.

Darlene

See you, bubble butt.

Later, Morticia.

Roseanne

Monday, we'll go to the gynecologist and get you some birth control.

Darlene

[puzzled] Why?

Roseanne

Well, because I just don't think I'm responsible enough to be a grandmother yet.

Darlene

Nothing happened last night, I told you that.

Roseanne

Oh Darlene, he spent the whole night in your room. I'm not stupid!

Darlene

Yeah well, neither am I. First of all I don't want to have sex yet. And second you think I'd do it with you twenty feet away?

Roseanne

Why not? You can do it real quiet without us knowing about it.

Darlene

Really? You can't!

Roseanne

You mean you can hear us?

Darlene

Last night, I had to tell David you were moving furniture.

Darlene

Mom wants me to go on the pill because Becky had sex.

Dan

[pauses] ...I don't think that'll work.

Darlene

I don't believe this! You guys are both treating me like I'm Becky! I'm not Becky! I don't go to the mall like Becky, I don't do great laundry like Becky, I don't love school like Becky, and I don't sleep with my boyfriend like Becky!

Roseanne

So what are you getting at, Becky?

Darlene

What I'm getting at, Mother, is I'm stuck here, so I'm paying for how SHE screwed up! If you guys have a problem, you deal with Becky. Leave me out of it. [storms out, slamming the door]

Roseanne

Remember how excited we were when she first learned to talk?

Roseanne

Darlene, come on in here and meet your Aunt Jackie's new boyfriend. [taking Darlene aside] Now, she's really sensitive about the age thing, see, so we're all on our best behavior.

Darlene

Yeah, okay.

Roseanne

Fisher, this is our little Darlene.

Darlene

[to Fisher] Aren't you in my science class?

Roseanne

Well, she held out longer than I thought she would.

Darlene

I can't believe I'm going through with this. Well, maybe I'll get lucky and choke on my free meal at Lenny's.

Dan

Denny's.

Roseanne

Hey Darlene, think fast! [throws her a set of car keys]

Darlene

What are these for?

Dan

Well, it's amazing. Becky's car seems to be running fine now. [hand Darlene an envelope] And here. I think this ought to be enough here to buy you and your fellow creatures of the night dinner and a movie. They're waiting for you at the Pizza King.

Roseanne

Surprise! We want you to leave!

Darlene

Yes! That's just what I always wanted!

Roseanne

Well, I know my kid.

Darlene

So what, you mean this whole party thing was a big joke? You put me through hell.

Roseanne

Well, that was kinda for us.

Dan

"Maybe she just doesn't know how to tell you she loves you anymore." Sucker!

Roseanne

What? You're not gone yet?

Darlene

Leaving.

Roseanne

Oh, Darlene?

Darlene

Yes?

Roseanne

[sighs] I hate your hair.

Darlene

[smiles] Thanks, Mommy!

Darlene

[angry at David for letting Molly flirt with him] Oh come on, you don't go for that flirty, cutesy Barbie-doll crap, do ya? I mean, she was so obvious.

David

I dunno. I guess for some guys it would probably make them feel, y'know, like a man.

Darlene

[struts up to David and touches him seductively] I can make you feel like a man, David... Take out the trash. [walks away]

Molly

They're so cute. Which one do you want?

Darlene

The one that'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk.

Molly

C'mon, will you lighten up?!

Darlene

Look, I have a boyfriend, I don't need these jerks. Now can we get out of here? It's been like, an hour and a half.

Molly

Well, it's my car and I'm not ready to go. I'm still looking for the perfect guy, OK?

Darlene

Oh, it's a good thing we're in a parking lot full of drunken losers. It shouldn't be hard to spot that white horse.

[tries to put his arm around Darlene]

Darlene

Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back.

Darlene

Just stop right there, Ponyboy. You and the rest of your Outsiders can go rumble someplace else.

Look, I apologize for my friend. I mean, he's a real jerk. I mean, it's obviously a bad idea to go into somebody's van who you hardly even know. So it's lucky for you I happen to have a couple of joints right here.

Darlene

Oh, man. I feel like I'm the middle of a really bad Afterschool Special.

Roseanne

Where in the hell have you been?

Darlene

Trying to get home. That skankwoman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot so she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert. I finally had to wave down a cab.

Dan

I don't care what your story is. The rule is, you call.

Darlene

It was a bad neighborhood. When I finally found a phone booth, I got tired of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.

Darlene

Say this guy's in front of you, and he's got the puck. What do you do?

D.J.

Try to steal it from him.

Darlene

No. You do this. [She hits a cracker hard with her fist, crushing it on the table.] Any questions?

(cheering DJ as he leaves the penalty box) D.J., D.J., D.J., D.J.... (Unseen hard hit) Oooohhh!!!

Where does a kid get that kind of hostility?