Darlene Conner quotes from Roseanne

Darlene

[on the phone] Hello? ... Oh, yeah, hold on, Mark. BECKY, ZIPPY'S ON THE PHONE! ... So Mark, did you dial the phone yourself or did Daddy help you? ... Oh now, that's not very nice. Do you use that filthy mouth to kiss my sister?

Give me the phone, Darlene.

Darlene

Let me just say goodbye. [belches into the phone before handing it to Becky]

Darlene

Ahh... Becky? D.J. made a sundial out of birth control pills!

What?

D.J.

It even tells the days of the week.

Gotta go, Mom. Love you. [hangs up the phone]

Darlene

Geez, Mom went to Vegas without these? She really is a gambler.

D.J.

They're not Mom's.

D.J., Jackie's probably looking all over for these! Listen, you are not to take these to school, understand? Now you go and find something else to make your sundial out of.

D.J.

Okay, I'll go put these back in your drawer. [leaves]

You know, I don't believe you Darlene. I help you out with your paper and you get me nailed for it.

Darlene

Look, I apologized for that yesterday. Besides, I didn't ask for your help. You just felt sorry for me and I don't need your damn pity.

Are you kidding? You're begging for it. [mocking Darlene] "Oh, high school is too hard. My friends don't like me. Nobody understands me." Well, then DO something about it, you little wimp!

Darlene

Shut up, Becky! You don't know what you're talking about!

Of course not, 'cause you're so complex, you're so deep. Well, that's crap. You're just a whiny little basketcase who's milking this depression thing for all it's worth. So here it is, four in the afternoon and you get to do exactly what you want, well, way to go. Now excuse me, but I got a zillion chores to do or Mom and Dad are gonna kick my butt.

Darlene

High school's just learning lies and telling lies.

Roseanne

Really, then how come you ain't gettin' any A's?

Darlene

Maybe he needs to be changed.

I changed him five times already.

Darlene

Well, maybe you did it wrong. (Baby talk) Maybe you gave him a little baby wedgie.

Jackie

Well, they must have a lot of confidence in you!

 Yeah right, all I have to do is count to ten.

Darlene

Don't wear mittens, it'll slow you down.

Mother!

Roseanne

Well it was funny, Becky.

Roseanne

[Darlene and David race downstairs when Roseanne and Jackie come in the front door] Hey!

Darlene

What?

Roseanne

What are you doing upstairs with some boy?

Darlene

Well no one was home, so I figured, why not become a woman!

D.J.

What's a virgin?

Darlene

You in forty years.

Jackie

Hey Beck, where's Darlene?

Well, they said she couldn't be in the commercial dressed like death.

Dan

She go home?

Not yet!

Darlene

Shut up.

Dan

Why, Darlene! You look--

Darlene

Shut up.

Jackie

Oh, come on! It's not so--

Darlene

SHUT UP!!

Darlene

I can handle this.

You can't take her, Darlene.

Darlene

I'm not gonna try. I'll just talk my way out of it.

D.J.

Okay, just stay down.

Darlene

You don't believe me? Dad, can I talk to about something?

Dan

Coming.

Darlene

Watch.

Dan

Yeah, Darlene.

Darlene

Listen, I'm really sorry I called you "Wide Load" yesterday. I mean, I meant it to be funny and I really thought you would laugh. But I've been thinking about it, and now I realize it was really insensitive.

Dan

Darlene, tie your hair back really tight so she can't swing you around with it.

You're dead, Darlene.

Darlene

Oh, man.

Dan

Rope-a-dope, Darlene. Keep your arms up in front of your face; eventually, she'll wear herself out.

Again, remember, we're here for Jackie. Now who wants to start?

Dan

I guess I'll go first. If you're married to the same woman for nineteen years, isn't that proof enough that you love her?

Roseanne

You know, Arlene, he has some other woman's name tattooed on his arm!

Dan

It's your name!

Roseanne

It's NOT my name-- it's Mrs. Kennedy's name!

Dan

I'm never gonna get this dumb thing off. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life.

Roseanne

Well, now you know what it's like to be married to you.

Jeez, cut it out. I mean, did you forget why we came?

Jackie

Thank you, Becky.

Okay, I wanna talk about me and Mark.

Roseanne

When are you gonna get over him?

Jackie

I can't believe this! I'm paying for this session. You guys aren't here for me at all! You're just here to work out all your own family crap!

Darlene

[weakly] Excuse me. [She's wearing a neck brace] I don't mean to interrupt, but it's time for my medication.

David

So what did I do, anyway? I put my arm around you.

Darlene

Well yeah, what was next?

David

God, I don't know. It took me 3 weeks to get to that.

Darlene

(To David) Do you think you could keep your paws off me for like one minute?

David

I was just holding your hand.

Darlene

Well I'm sick of it, so back off, OK!

(To herself, still in her lonely funk) Oh God, I miss having a boyfriend.

Darlene

We walk to school together, like, every single day, you're outside every one of my classes, you put your arm around me in the hallway.

David

You're my girlfriend.

Darlene

Yeah, well I liked it better before when you were "David" and I was "Darlene." Now we're like this "DaviDarlene creature" like we were fused together in some nuclear accident.

Dan

First of all, let's just say that...you going away for the weekend to a rock concert with the nearest adult five hours away...that was never gonna happen, no matter how you sucked up.

Well, it's unanimous.

Darlene

Yeah, I'd say that about wraps it up.

Dan

I don't think so.

OK, we'll apologize to her before she, like, explodes. [she and Darlene snicker]

Dan

She's not gonna 'like, explode', she's too busy cryin' her eyes out. I'm the one you gotta worry about, 'cause I'm VERY angry, and I don't like you very much right now.

Oh, so now we're also supposed to apologize to you---

Dan

Shut up! [to Darlene] And so I don't have to say it again in a minute, you shut up, too! Now, you guys just don't get it. You see, she thought that you were actually going to do something nice for her...you know, like you cared. And that would have been the very best thing you could've done for her today, but you just ruined it.

Darlene

Well, what should we do?

Dan

You're gonna make it up to her.

Alright, we'll think of something---

Dan

No! No, you had your chance. Now it's my turn.

Hey, is anybody home?

Darlene

Hey look, it's Joanie and Chachi.

Mark

How ya doin', little brother?

David

Fine, except thanks to you, now I'm related to my girlfriend.

So where's Mom?

Darlene

She's in the kitchen...with the knives.

Mark

Want me to go in there with you?

Darlene

With... THE KNIVES.