Dan Conner quotes from Roseanne

Dan

I've been hearing a lot lately about how white men are to blame for everything, about how we have all the advantages, how we get all the breaks. But look at me and Bob, we ain't living in no mansions. We had to struggle for everything we got.

Leon

You struggled for this (waves hand referring to the Conner house).

Roseanne

Not only are we going to have a grandchild roughly around the age of our own child, but our daughter is marrying the boy we considered to be our son. I think that makes us ...officially... THE white-trashiest people in ALL the land!

Dan

Yee-haw!

David

I, David, promise to always love and respect you, Darlene, my fellow traveler on this planet, as we tread lightly and replenish what we have taken from this earth.

Roseanne

(to Dan) I guess we'll have to return the deer rifle we got him. Did you hear that, did you hear what I just said?

Dan

Deer rifle.

Darlene

And I, Darlene, promise to love and respect you, David, as we strive not for material possessions, but for contentment and peace of mind.

Roseanne

I think she's got marriage mixed up with a nap on the porch. How come you're not laughing? Did you hear that?

Dan

Deer rifle.

Darlene

And we know the best way that we can make it is to rely on each other, the way our parents, Dan and Roseanne Conner, have.

David

No matter how good or bad life has been to them, they always found the humor in it. We hope we can do the same.

Roseanne

I didn't even see that coming. Did you hear that?

Dan

Yeah, I heard that.

Dan

Minor heart attack? How minor could it be? If I was a car this would cost 8 or 900 bucks.

Roseanne

They probably have to keep you in the shop just over night. The good news is they're giving me a loaner husband.

DJ

Dad, you're home! Did you bring me anything?

Dan

Yeah, the gene for an early heart attack.

Roseanne

Yeah, well, I know it's hard, but you just keep it up, A little bit of time passes, and then you're stuck in a rut, Which is right up your alley.

Dan

Well, doctor's orders or not, I can't do it. It's hell. I mean, I can't live this way. I mean, I want my food back, you know? Real food-- dead animals. Brightly colored snacks. Things on sticks.

Roseanne

Well, i'm not gonna keep cooking those crap dinners That got you in this mess in the first place, Dan.

Dan

What about the crap breakfasts? And the crap lunches?

Roseanne

Well gee Dan, if you don't like my cooking, why don't you just cook yourself?

Dan

Maybe I will.

Roseanne

Oh yeah? Maybe you should. That'd be fun to watch.

Dan

Fine. You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner! I'm fixing dinner!

Roseanne

Oh but honey, you just fixed dinner eleven years ago.

Roseanne

God, you're hiding food, Dan?!!

Dan

Yeah, with the cleaning products. It's the one place I knew you'd never look.

Roseanne

What was all that crap you were tellin' me in the hospital, that big speech about how you never cheated on me? What the hell do you call this?

Dan

Look, I am sick and tired of being treated like an invalid.

Roseanne

So you're just gonna do it, aren't ya? You're just gonna go right ahead and harden an artery right here in my kitchen!

Dan

I've got to live a little, Roseanne. You won't let me eat anything, you won't let me take any calls from work...

Roseanne

Yeah, and I'm not gonna let you talk anymore either, so shut up!

Dan

Just keep your nose out of my work. It's none of your business, Roseanne. I managed to get along just fine without any of your help.

Roseanne

"Without any of my help"? What the hell do you think I was doing all those years at Wellman's, and Rodbell's, and the beauty parlor, and the diner? Do you think I was just earning enough money to go out and buy new hats? If it wasn't for me, the bank would've came and took this house a long time ago, Dan!

Dan

Hey! I always pulled in more money than you brought in!

Roseanne

Oh yeah? Well, what about that year when your bike shop went broke? (Dan ignores that retort and continues making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.) Oh yeah! Do it, Dan! You're gonna show me, aren't you? Oh, spread it on! Nothing in moderation, right?

Dan

Oh, you got it, baby!

Roseanne

Oh yeah, not for the indestructible Dan Connor! Drinker, biker, party boy right from the sixties! "If it feels good, do it", or in your case "If it tastes good, eat it".

Dan

Watch it, Roseanne.

Roseanne

You know what you are, Dan? You are a big, fat guy with absolutely no self-control! You're Jerry Garcia without the music.

Dan

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Let's back up here! You're calling ME fat?

Roseanne

Yeah, I'm calling you fat.

Dan

Well, if that ain't THE BIG FAT POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK!

Roseanne

You better not be calling me fat!

Dan

Well, that's what i'm doing. Fat fat

Dan

fat fat fat fat fat

Roseanne

fat fat fat fat fat

Roseanne

Fine, if you don't want the food I make, Dan, Then [shoves the food off the kitchen table] we'll just get rid of it. Okay? And you know what? We don't need any more of this health food Either [shoves the food off the kitchen shelf] so that goes too.

Dan

I'm going to watch TV.

Roseanne

Oh, of course you are, Dan, because that's what you always do when anything gets to damn real around here!

Dan

I do not do that.

Roseanne

Yes, you do! You run to that TV and walk away from me every single time there's a problem in this family!

Dan

Why the hell shouldn't I walk away? You never let me do squat around here! Problem with the kids? Hey, you'll handle it, cause I'd sure as hell just screw it up! I watched these kids grow up around here without ever knowing what was going on or even who they were. And just look at the way they turned out!

Roseanne

I think they turned out great.

Dan

Oh, please, Roseanne! Look at them. They're not exactly the Kennedy kids.

Roseanne

No, they're not, but their dad sure drinks like Uncle Teddy!

Dan

They're failures, Roseanne, and the only reason you won't admit it is because you'll have to admit you failed as a mother!

Roseanne

The only way I "failed as a mother" was to let Becky and Darlene get married so young, that they threw their whole life away on a man, JUST LIKE I DID!

Dan

You didn't throw away a thing.

Roseanne

Yes, I did, Dan. I threw everything away. But, all that's going to change, because from now on, I'm going to put all my energy into that TV show.

Dan

Well, that's fine. That's just great. Go on.

Roseanne

I'm gonna show my daughters that you don't have to give up your dreams for some stupid guy!

Dan

That's fine! Well, you just move to Chicago for all I care. Then, maybe, your damn family won't be hangin' around here all the time, give me some room for my family to come. Hell, they can't even show up for Thanksgiving anymore!

Roseanne

Oh, so that's it, huh? It's my fault that you have no kind of relationship with your family? God, you are PATHETIC!! Did I ever stop you from picking up that phone and calling your mother?!

Dan

Hey, at least I put my mother in a psychiatric hospital where she can get some help, instead of letting her run around the streets, like yours, scaring people!

Roseanne

Well, my mother may be like fingernails on a chalkboard, Dan. But, at least she's allowed to grow fingernails!

Dan

Well, that's perfect. You got an answer for everything, don't you.

Roseanne

Yeah, I do.

Dan

Yeah, well, why don't you tell me how to clean up this... [breaks the mantelpieces] CRAP that you call decoration?!!

Roseanne

Okay, I will. I want you to pick them all up, using your ass, and start with the pointy things!

Dan

You are a controlling BITCH!!!(flips the coffee table over)

Roseanne

No I'm not, Dan, I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you to get up off of your ass and and stop staring at that... [breaks television screen with Godzilla figure] damn TV!

Dan

Boy, I tell ya, I wished I had never mar--

Roseanne

What? Say it.

Dan

Nothing.

Roseanne

Well that makes two of us. [sighs heavily] You can die if you want to Dan, but you're gonna have to do it alone, because I'm not going to sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's. [storms out, slamming the door]

Jackie

Roseanne! Roseanne! Where are you? I've got to tell you something!

Roseanne

(rushing out to the living room in her bra) What? Where's my baby? What?

Jackie

We won the lottery! This is the winning lottery ticket, I've got it right here! Remember, you told me to watch it on TV!

Roseanne

What are you talking about?

Jackie

We won the lottery, I can't believe it!

Roseanne

What lottery?

Jackie

The lottery! The Illinois State Lottery, it's the biggest one in the history of Illinois! It's 108 million dollars!

Roseanne

You mean, you mean--

Jackie

We're the people that picked the six winning numbers.

Roseanne

Oh my God, so you're telling me -- (pauses while Jackie seems to be gasping for air) -- you're telling me -- (pauses again as she seems to be trying to grasp the subject) -- you're telling me that we won the Illinois State Lottery for 108 million dollars; is that what you're telling me? Is that what you're telling me??

Jackie

Let's tell Dan!

Roseanne

NO! Dan has just had a heart attack and this kind of thing could kill him!

Dan

What's going on?

Roseanne

Don't panic!!

Dan

Why, what's wrong?

Roseanne

Nothing, nothing is wrong.

Jackie

Nothing is wrong. Nothing will ever be wrong again.

Roseanne

Dan, Dan, I have something to tell you, but before I tell you, you have to promise me that you are not going to collapse or turn blue or anything like that.

Dan

Scout's honor.

Roseanne

WE WON THE LOTTERY!!!

Dan

OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD, WE WON THE LOTTERY!! OH MY GOD!!

Roseanne

(talking to DJ) Hey, hey. Go get my shirt.

D.J.

Why are you going?

Dan

Well I told you, DJ. I gotta go back and take care of Mom.

D.J.

Why are you going back?

Dan

DJ, nothing bad's going on.

D.J.

Your mom is fine so why are you leaving?

Dan

DJ, quit yelling at me

D.J.

Quit lying to me!!! Fine! Don't Tell me!

D.J.

You just hate me, is that it?

Dan

No, I don't hate you

D.J.

You hate mom?

Dan

I love your mother. I love you Becky, Darlene and Jerry. I hope you understand someday.

D.J.

Look I understand plenty, Dad! Have a nice trip! (As D.J. pushes the suitcase, he storms off and slams the door)

Dan

Somebody closed the garage door.

Roseanne

Like... the wind?

Dan

Yeah, and I suppose Mr. Wind started up the motorcycle as well.

Dan

I gotta go, I gotta pick everybody from the hospital. Our granddaughter is coming home shortly.

Roseanne

Say it again, Dan. Louder

Dan

[shouting] Roseanne and Dan's granddaughter is coming home today. Let's get ready to rumble!!!