Dan Conner quotes from Roseanne

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I didn't move in with my mom, I moved in with Darlene in Chicago. And I know it was wrong and a stupid thing to do and it will never happen again, and I'm sorry (Dan stands up, frightening him) VERY sorry.

Dan

(yelling loudly) You ungrateful little BASTARD!!!

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Dan

[to Fred] Damn women! Who the hell do they think they are?

[entering room] We're sugar and spice and everything nice. So bite me!

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I just had some questions about God and stuff.

Well why didn't you come to us if you had questions? There are no two better people to answer your questions than me and your dad.

OK...What religion are we?

I have no idea...Dan?

Dan

Well... my family was Pentecostal on my mom's side, Baptist on my dad's. Your mom's mom was Lutheran and her dad was Jewish.

So what do we believe?

Well...we believe in...being good. So basically, we're good people.

Dan

Yeah, but we're not practicing.

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Hey Bev, do yourself a big favor. Don't get into this.

Bev

Fred, I have every right to be involved in this. Unlike you, I am actually a member of this family.

Well, If I ever do become a member of this family, I can tell you one thing right now—the next time you break your pelvis having sex, you're not gonna stay at our house!!!

Dan

[as Bev gets away in horrific humiliation] If I understand this correctly, unless you had sex in the shower, none of this is my fault!

Guess I wasn't supposed to say that...

Dan

I uh... plan to treat Bev with the utmost sensitivity, but first, a raucous laugh. [he and Fred guffaw and slap each other five]

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Dan

Fred told me that Jackie thinks I'm like a God.

Well, that's only because you never do nothing on Sunday.

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You haven't been feedin' me a load of the truth, have ya?

Yeah. I thought that's what you'd like.

David, obviously you know very little about this family. We have raised three children without the truth, and we've managed to do very well, thank you, without your consarned newfangled ways.

Dan

Hi, honey. David, what are you doing up?

Well... I heard this noise, so I came downstairs to see what it was, and it was this huge bird... that was caught in the screen door there, I got it out, and then he left.

Dan

[nonchalantly] Okay. [saunters back to bed]

See?

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Hey Dan, if you're still gay, I could go for a mimosa and some eggs Florentine.

Dan

I don't cook for you. I'm Fred's bitch.

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Boy, David's really upset. What are you gonna do, Dan?

Dan

Why do you keep asking me what I'm gonna do? What is it with you and all the questions? Why can't a guy just do what he's gotta do without being asked?

You don't know what to do, do you, Dan? Just been doing what Roseanne told you to do, haven't you? You're really a very bad father, aren't you, Dan?

Dan

No, I'm not. I just don't know what to do with David. He scares me, Fred. I mean, he's probably down there right now crying, or reading, or drawing a horse.

Well, why don't you do what you were trying to do before? You know, raise his self-esteem.

Dan

I don't know how to give a 17-year-old who's just been beaten up by a 12-year-old's self-esteem. I don't even know how to give him hope.

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Dan

You're gonna kiss a lot of girls in your life, and they're all gonna be different.

Well, do you even think I should kiss Lila Matthews?

Dan

What's different about her?

Well, Ralph says she uses her tongue.

Dan

I'd go for it.

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Jackie

[laughs after DJ's pushy girlfriend leaves] What was that?

Dan

I don't know. But the dark prince takes many forms.

I like her!

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Dan

[Roseanne is grilling Dan because she knows he went to the diner's competition for lunch] I ate those peanut butter cracker things all day from the vending machine at work. Really filling.

All day, huh? Say, what number would they be on the vending machine?

Dan

[pause] B3.

That's wrong, that's the Clark bar. Try again.

Dan

G6.

The O'Henry. Any idiot knows that.

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KKids

Trick or treat, trick or treat, give me something good to eat.

Mom [played by Sarah Chalke - aka Becky #2]: Hi, your house is so warm and cozy! I love it! [looks at the treats in the kids' bags] Thank you so much, you are nice nice nice!

Mark

Hey, this is like deja vu all over again.

MMom

Buh-bye!

KKids

Bye! Happy Halloween!

Bye! [closes the door] Gee, I wish we had a daughter that sweet.

Dan

Just wasn't in the cards, honey.

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Dan

If you think I'm talented, just say it.

I think you're talented.

Dan

You're just saying that.

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You know, Mrs. Conner is gonna love this new linoleum.

Dan

No, no, no, no. Don't tell her it's new. See, every couple of years or so, she asks me to clean behind the stove, and I've always found that doing this is much easier.