Dan Conner quotes from Roseanne

Dan

My God, I can feel it. The hormonal balance in this house has shifted. AND THE MEN ARE VICTORIOUS! [in mock British accent] Come men, let us repair to the living room. We shall watch The Three Stooges and we shall scratch ourselves.

[after Dan, D.J. and David leave, look at each other and chuckle] Pizza.

Roseanne

And David, while you live here, you'll be home by curfew, you will keep your room clean. You will be the child we've never had.

David

Okay, that's fair.

Dan

These are just the rules today. We reserve the right to change the rules at any time, for your safety, for your education, or for our amusement. That is the price of living in our kingdom.

Roseanne

Welcome to Roseannadu.

Dan

I'm gonna go out tonight and do exactly what I did the night before our wedding twenty years ago--I'll be with my friends getting drunk.

Roseanne

You weren't with your friends, you were with your mom.

Dan

My mom can drink my friends under the table any day!

Dan

Rosey We Need to talk. We Gotta do our anniversary another night. I gotta work tomorrow.

Roseanne

You gotta work tomorrow?

Everybody has that doubtful in their heads, but sometimes you've just gotta ignore it!

Dan

Well, my little voice is extremely loud and can deny me sex.

Dan

Aw man, we're screwed.

Roseanne

No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take 1 billion years to reach the earth.

Roseanne

No, well, I'm thinkin' about that bridge we could of bought over there in New York City.

Dan

Aw, she was a dandy big bridge, alright.

Roseanne

You know Dan, if we move fast, we can get right in on that pyramid scheme sweeping Lanford, we can own our very own damn pyramid.

Dan

You mean like the ones up to Egypt, Africa? Hot diggity-dog!

Darlene

Is it OK if David takes me to school?

Dan

Did you ask your mother?

Darlene

Yeah.

Roseanne

I'm OK with it, how about you, Dan?

Dan

Sure, what the hell.

Darlene

Thanks, Dad.

Roseanne

Are you sure? I mean you had like the whole day planned.

Dan

I'll just get drunk and watch the football game. I'm flexible.

Roseanne

God, I hate when you do this, Dan. Your daughter comes in here and walks all over your feelings and you act like it doesen't hurt you at all. Everyone can see how upset you are and here you are, hiding all your feelings in the stupid cake. Now you've ruined dessert! [throws away cake Dan was eating]

Dan

...I didn't think I'd take it that hard.

DJ

(knocks on bathroom door) Mom?

Jackie

The jig is up! (pulls back shower curtain)

Dan

DJ. Deejay. Deeejay. DJ...DJ....did you ever notice how weird that sounds? DJ...

Roseanne

Shhh! Dan, maintain. WHAT DO YOU WANT DJ?

Roseanne

OK, next subject. Dan, how was work?

Dan

Well, today was a special one for me. It was the 179th day in a row where I did exactly the same thing!

Darlene

Well, DJ over here is well on his way to shattering that record.

Did Roseanne ever find out about us?

Dan

Yes. [points to his teeth] False, false, crown, bridge.

Jackie

Glad you could make it, Fred.

Fred

Well, with sixteen cousins, my family could use the extra room at the kids' table.

Jackie

[to Roseanne] Sixteen cousins, I didn't know Fred had sixteen cousins.

Fred

We're a fertile people, Jackie. Guess I don't need to tell you that.

Dan

You know, Fred, us being here is making it very hard for them to talk about us behind our back. To the living room, for football.

Jackie

[to Roseanne, as Fred and Dan leave] No family for Thanksgiving, huh? Stop trying to shove us together.

Roseanne

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the two of you have already been shoved together.

Roseanne

You were pregnant with me before you married Dad?!

Nana Mary

Damn right she was. Well, we always lied about the day she got married. She got married June 1952, and you were born in November 1952. Do a little math.

Bev

You are not senile, you're just mean. You promised me that you would never tell them! [Leaves in hysterics through the kitchen] No one in this whole family cares about me! My children don't love me! You don't love me! I'm all alone! Alone!!!

Roseanne

I'm going after her, Dan. Release the dogs!

Fred

You okay, Jackie?

Jackie

Outta my way, Fred. I'm not missin' this.

Dan

Yeah, Fred, we're quite a family. Now that you've gotten one of us pregnant, it's too late to escape! [laughs maniacally]

Bev

Roseanne, your Christmas decorations outside were appalling. The Wise Men are supposed to be adoring the baby Jesus, not leering at Mrs. Claus.

Roseanne

Of course they're leering at her. She's wearing one of those Bunz outfits.

Bev

And what on earth are those shepherds doing to the flock?

Dan

Grazing them. Well, it's time to turn on our simple white lights. [He puts on sunglasses and opens the door] Mother Harris, won't you join us?

Bev

What is Santa Claus doing?

Roseanne

Well, he's just telling the whole neighborhood that Christmas is number one. Hit the music, Dan.

Dan

Oh we've just gotta have that kid over more often. He makes our other kids look less odd!

Roseanne

I think every kid on earth looks less odd next to Elijah Minnelli.

Dan

[starts kicking his legs and singing "New York, New York"] "Start spreadin' the news..."

Roseanne

That's Elijah with a J!

Roseanne

[to Becky] Men need to be molded. [watches Dan drink milk from the carton] Think of them not as lumps of clay, but... as lumps.

Dan

[burps] Outta milk. [sets the empty milk carton down on the table and leaves]