Dan Conner quotes from Roseanne

Darlene

Mom wants me to go on the pill because Becky had sex.

Dan

[pauses] ...I don't think that'll work.

Darlene

I can't believe I'm going through with this. Well, maybe I'll get lucky and choke on my free meal at Lenny's.

Dan

Denny's.

Roseanne

Hey Darlene, think fast! [throws her a set of car keys]

Darlene

What are these for?

Dan

Well, it's amazing. Becky's car seems to be running fine now. [hand Darlene an envelope] And here. I think this ought to be enough here to buy you and your fellow creatures of the night dinner and a movie. They're waiting for you at the Pizza King.

Roseanne

Surprise! We want you to leave!

Darlene

Yes! That's just what I always wanted!

Roseanne

Well, I know my kid.

Darlene

So what, you mean this whole party thing was a big joke? You put me through hell.

Roseanne

Well, that was kinda for us.

Dan

"Maybe she just doesn't know how to tell you she loves you anymore." Sucker!

Roseanne

What? You're not gone yet?

Darlene

Leaving.

Roseanne

Oh, Darlene?

Darlene

Yes?

Roseanne

[sighs] I hate your hair.

Darlene

[smiles] Thanks, Mommy!

Dan

[dressed as decapitated Marie Antoinette holding her own head (Jackie)] I'm sorry Jackie, I'm not going in the ladies room, you're just going to have to hold it!

Jackie

I've got to go sometime, Dan.

Dan

Maybe you should just try slowing down at the bar!

Jackie

Don't tell me what to do, Dan! I'm doing you a favor just wearing this thing.

Dan

Oh, yeah, like I'm sure the real Marie Antoinette drank so much beer!

Roseanne

Where in the hell have you been?

Darlene

Trying to get home. That skankwoman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot so she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert. I finally had to wave down a cab.

Dan

I don't care what your story is. The rule is, you call.

Darlene

It was a bad neighborhood. When I finally found a phone booth, I got tired of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.

(cheering DJ as he leaves the penalty box) D.J., D.J., D.J., D.J.... (Unseen hard hit) Oooohhh!!!

Where does a kid get that kind of hostility?

Roseanne

Well Dan, I guess you're just so damn proud of your kid out there, ramming people and smashing into them that you just had to celebrate by giving him his very first sip of beer!

Dan

I had to. The hooker made him nervous.

Jackie

Come on, you gave me my first sip of beer.

Roseanne

That was different. I was drunk.

Roseanne

So, uh, what time did Nancy and Marla leave?

Dan

About an hour ago. After their sixth encounter under the mistletoe.

Roseanne

Well, you know what they say, Dan, every time lesbians kiss another angel gets her wings.

I want you to know we're usually very happy with D.J. He's a hard worker, listens well in class, although this new dressing-up phase does concern us a little.

Dan

Kids.

Well, we don't discourage unorthodox dress here. We do discourage, however, students from bringing certain types of reading material to school.

Dan

[thinking the principal is talking about one of his Playboys] I understand, Cecil. Something that might be perfectly normal and acceptable for adults wouldn't be okay for kids to bring to school.

I'm sorry, but the filth that D.J. was reading couldn't possibly be considered okay anywhere. It's the most offensively sick piece of garbage I've ever seen.

Dan

[still thinking the principal is referring to a Playboy issue] Didn't you read the articles?

[hands the book to Dan] I didn't see any articles in this.

Dan

It's a comic book. D.J., you brought a comic book to school. Good boy!

I can see I should've spoken to his mother.

Dan

[leafing through the comic] Well, look, I...I know it's wrong for kids to bring comics to school and read 'em in class, but hey, they're kids. I know it's not great literature...[turns a page] My God, what kind of diseased mind could create something like this?!

It's obviously some sort of cheap underground thing.

Dan

Oh, man. Hey, I don't know where D.J. got this, but you can be sure we don't allow things like this in our house. This is not the way we raise our children. [to D.J.] Where did you get this?

D.J.

Darlene made it.

Roseanne

Well, Dan, my day dealing with the family was an ice cream cone in the dirt, how was yours?

Dan

Well, honey, I hate to top you, but I got a 2-for-1. That obscene reading material D.J. brought to school? Darlene's the editor-in-chief. Take a look at this, it's really sick.

Roseanne

There was a funny part.

Dan

I'm serious, Rosie. What if Darlene's disturbed, more than we thought?

Roseanne

Oh, Dan, have you seen some of the comic books she buys lately? They're way more screwed up than that. Warped and depressing's what's cool now.

Dan

Really?

Roseanne

Yeah. Finally Darlene's personality pays off.

Dan

Hey, we had underground comics, but it wasn't like this crap Darlene's doing. Ours were about depraved sex and massive drug abuse. This is a cry for help.

Roseanne

Well, who knows what they're about? Who even wants to? The longer we don't know what's in Darlene's head, the longer we don't sleep in shifts.

Roseanne

(seeing Dan wrapping an ice pack around his hand) Oh, my God, you didn't kill him (Fisher), and then go buy chicken, did you?

Dan

No, I bought the chicken first.

Roseanne

I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?

Dan

Well, it started out that way.

Roseanne

What'd he say?

Dan

Well, if I remember correctly; "Ouch. Ouch. My head." Something along those lines.

Darlene

Well, well, well!

Dan

[groaning] Aww, man!

Darlene

(grinning) My, my, my, my, my!

Dan

What are you doing here?

Darlene

You know, I'll bet when you imagined us in this situation, you always pictured yourself on the other side of those bars.

Dan

Where's your mom?

Darlene

Organizing the candlelight vigil.

Dan

Come on Darlene, I don't have time for this...

Darlene

Oh, I think you do. She took Aunt Jackie to the hospital, so I'm here to post bail. But I'm a minor, so that means I have to give the money to the suspect... which I guess would be you.

Dan

Gimme the money.

Darlene

All right, but I want you to know it's coming out of your allowance.

Jackie

It's just really humiliating, though, you know, because Roseanne's always handling my problems, and now you are.

Dan

It's a big job. We had to expand the department.

Dan

Tell me some more wonderful things about myself. Start with my eyes.

Roseanne

You wanna hear all the things I like about you? Uh - you picked me... [pauses for a few seconds] ...and you fix stuff!

Dan

Good enough! [gets into bed with Roseanne]

Roseanne

Dan, I wouldn't ordinarily do this without you, but... I went and had another kid.

Dan

Is David out there?

Roseanne

You mean Dan Jr.?