Dan Conner quotes from Roseanne

Dan

Hey Rosie, get this! Dean got hurt in football just like I did.

Roseanne

No kidding, you got drunk and fell off the bus too?

Jackie

Hey Beck, where's Darlene?

Well, they said she couldn't be in the commercial dressed like death.

Dan

She go home?

Not yet!

Darlene

Shut up.

Dan

Why, Darlene! You look--

Darlene

Shut up.

Jackie

Oh, come on! It's not so--

Darlene

SHUT UP!!

Darlene

I can handle this.

You can't take her, Darlene.

Darlene

I'm not gonna try. I'll just talk my way out of it.

D.J.

Okay, just stay down.

Darlene

You don't believe me? Dad, can I talk to about something?

Dan

Coming.

Darlene

Watch.

Dan

Yeah, Darlene.

Darlene

Listen, I'm really sorry I called you "Wide Load" yesterday. I mean, I meant it to be funny and I really thought you would laugh. But I've been thinking about it, and now I realize it was really insensitive.

Dan

Darlene, tie your hair back really tight so she can't swing you around with it.

You're dead, Darlene.

Darlene

Oh, man.

Dan

Rope-a-dope, Darlene. Keep your arms up in front of your face; eventually, she'll wear herself out.

Again, remember, we're here for Jackie. Now who wants to start?

Dan

I guess I'll go first. If you're married to the same woman for nineteen years, isn't that proof enough that you love her?

Roseanne

You know, Arlene, he has some other woman's name tattooed on his arm!

Dan

It's your name!

Roseanne

It's NOT my name-- it's Mrs. Kennedy's name!

Dan

I'm never gonna get this dumb thing off. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life.

Roseanne

Well, now you know what it's like to be married to you.

Jeez, cut it out. I mean, did you forget why we came?

Jackie

Thank you, Becky.

Okay, I wanna talk about me and Mark.

Roseanne

When are you gonna get over him?

Jackie

I can't believe this! I'm paying for this session. You guys aren't here for me at all! You're just here to work out all your own family crap!

Darlene

[weakly] Excuse me. [She's wearing a neck brace] I don't mean to interrupt, but it's time for my medication.

Roseanne

[after Dan comes back from "fixing" Crystal's thermostat] You just replaced that thermostat!

Dan

Well, apparently the house is still either too hot or too cold.

Roseanne

Yeah, because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps on having hot and cold flashes.

Dan

You know, I suggested that, but then she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.

Jackie

No!

Dan

Then she started cryin' and there was no way I could kick her back.

Dan

Where's Darlene?

Roseanne

Her and David got into a little tiff, so she's up in her room.

Dan

[referring to David, who's eating dinner with the family] What's he doing here?

Roseanne

Well, I had already invited him and then when she said it was either her or him, I flipped a coin until he won.

D.J.

I'm not getting it anymore.

Roseanne

I know that's Crystal. I've already talked to her fifty times today.

Dan

I'm not home.

Jackie

I'll get it. If it's Crystal, I'll talk to Crystal.

If it's Dean...

Jackie

If it's Dean or Dana, you're not home. I know. [into phone] Hello. Yeah. Yeah, just a second. [to David] David, it's your mom.

David

Tell her I'm in the shower.

Crystal

[in labor] This better be a girl. It better be a girl.

Dan

Oh, come on now, Crystal. If it's a boy, you'll love it just as much.

Crystal

The hell I will!

Arnie

C'mon, that's enough, I've been out of work before, nobody let ME win!

Dan

It's enough we let you sit at the grownups' table!

Dan

First of all, let's just say that...you going away for the weekend to a rock concert with the nearest adult five hours away...that was never gonna happen, no matter how you sucked up.

Well, it's unanimous.

Darlene

Yeah, I'd say that about wraps it up.

Dan

I don't think so.

OK, we'll apologize to her before she, like, explodes. [she and Darlene snicker]

Dan

She's not gonna 'like, explode', she's too busy cryin' her eyes out. I'm the one you gotta worry about, 'cause I'm VERY angry, and I don't like you very much right now.

Oh, so now we're also supposed to apologize to you---

Dan

Shut up! [to Darlene] And so I don't have to say it again in a minute, you shut up, too! Now, you guys just don't get it. You see, she thought that you were actually going to do something nice for her...you know, like you cared. And that would have been the very best thing you could've done for her today, but you just ruined it.

Darlene

Well, what should we do?

Dan

You're gonna make it up to her.

Alright, we'll think of something---

Dan

No! No, you had your chance. Now it's my turn.

Dan

[to Roseanne, who is setting the table] Stop. We're going out to dinner.

Roseanne

No, I don't want to eat with those girls. I just wanna have dinner and go to bed.

Dan

They're not coming. I'm punishing them.

Roseanne

No!

Dan

Yes. And having to eat my chili is just the beginning. We'll decide the rest of their punishment over dinner. Let's go change.

Roseanne

But they hate ME, right?

Dan

Nope, that's the beauty of it, they hate ME.

Roseanne

Oh Dan, that's just great! [hugs him]

Dan

Happy Mother's Day.

Roseanne

[smiles as they leave] Oh man, this is so much better than some ol' robe!

Roseanne

[discussing a meeting she had with D.J.'s teacher] Well, I had to go to school to see his teacher because it seems like he hasn't turned in any of his math homework for the past two weeks.

Dan

I see, and how did he explain this?

Roseanne

Well, he's had a lot of extra responsibility around here since you died.

Dan

Did I suffer?

Roseanne

No. Sniper. Clean shot.

Dan

[reading Arnie's letter after he leaves Nancy] Who are the Allens, and why are they out of spice?

Roseanne

Aliens, Dan, from outer space.

Dan

Oh, that does make more sense.

You know, you act like you're the only ones with problems around here.

Dan

Boy, you are the most selfish piece of work I have ever seen in my life! Do you have any idea what we're going through?

Do you have any idea what I'm going through?! I mean, today may be the last day I'll ever see Mark again, okay!

Roseanne

Whoa. What are you talking about?

He got a job offer in Minneapolis and I'm telling him to take it. And it's all 'cause of you.

Dan

Excuse me?

If you knew how to run a business he'd still have a job and he wouldn't be leaving. [breaking down in tears] Now I don't have Mark, I don't have college, I don't have anything! You blew it, Dad! You blew it for everyone in this family!!!

Roseanne

Becky, you shut up!

Come on, Mother. You know it, everybody knows it, I'm the only one with the guts to say it! [storms out]

Roseanne

That is not true, Dan. I would have the guts to say it.

Mark

Dan, I think you and me should talk about this.

Dan

You're in my way. Are you going to move...or am I going to move you?