Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Darlene

Is it OK if David takes me to school?

Dan

Did you ask your mother?

Darlene

Yeah.

Roseanne

I'm OK with it, how about you, Dan?

Dan

Sure, what the hell.

Darlene

Thanks, Dad.

Roseanne

Are you sure? I mean you had like the whole day planned.

Dan

I'll just get drunk and watch the football game. I'm flexible.

Roseanne

God, I hate when you do this, Dan. Your daughter comes in here and walks all over your feelings and you act like it doesen't hurt you at all. Everyone can see how upset you are and here you are, hiding all your feelings in the stupid cake. Now you've ruined dessert! [throws away cake Dan was eating]

Dan

...I didn't think I'd take it that hard.

DJ

uh-huh....uh-huh...uh-huh. (hangs up)

Roseanne

Oh, isn't that sweet. My son just closed his first drug deal.

Roseanne

Y'know, you think Darlene's helping you out, but she really isn't; she's telling me everything. This whole thing is just a big plan that we worked out to set you up.

D.J.

No it isn't!

Roseanne

How can you be sure?

D.J.

'Cause Darlene told me you'd say that. [leaves]

Roseanne

[under her breath] Daaaaamn.

Darlene

Yes, this is Mrs. Conner. No, he hasn't been able to make it, he's been very sick.

Roseanne

Don't mess with the master, Darlene. You guys are in so much trouble, I am going to make you wish I was never born. Oh, and by the way, I know that you and David made up, too.

Darlene

How'd you find out?

Roseanne

'Cause you just told me.

Roseanne

D.J., come on! I'm walking you to school today.

D.J.

(sees Roseanne in her robe): Oh no, you're not going in that, are you?

Roseanne

Oh no D.J., I wouldn't do that to you. But I would do...(take off her robe to reveal trashy hillbilly clothes) this! And look, I found your old Sesame Street lunchbox so you won't have to be embarrassed with those big brown bags anymore. Oh, my, just a minute, wait one minute here, this...(takes out lipstick and coats her mouth with it; D.J. is completely horrified while Jackie is laughing) is for when I kiss you goodbye. Okay, come on, we've got to hurry, 'cause I've got to make it up to Chicago to surprise your sister. I want to get there in time for one of her big classes. I'm going to dance for them!

Roseanne

THIS is your brain. [sits it on the table] Dan, a pan. [Dan stands up and gets a pan, then hands it to her] And THIS is your brain on drugs.

David

Got it.

Roseanne

(pulls back shower curtain) Oh hi, Jackie! We thought you...you went home.

Jackie

Why me? I got nothing. No boyfriend, no meaningful job, no husband, no family, it's just me. It's just me and my ganja.

DJ

(knocks on bathroom door) Mom?

Jackie

The jig is up! (pulls back shower curtain)

Dan

DJ. Deejay. Deeejay. DJ...DJ....did you ever notice how weird that sounds? DJ...

Roseanne

Shhh! Dan, maintain. WHAT DO YOU WANT DJ?

Darlene

Trust me, he goes in that room 'cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time. Which means he's either really, really good at it or really really bad at it!

Roseanne

Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, y'know, 'cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!

Darlene

Well, don't worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?

Roseanne

Let's talk about DJ's school.

Darlene

Yeah, I heard he got caught playing with his instrument in band.

DJ

I'm not in band, stupid!

Roseanne

OK, next subject. Dan, how was work?

Dan

Well, today was a special one for me. It was the 179th day in a row where I did exactly the same thing!

Darlene

Well, DJ over here is well on his way to shattering that record.

Roseanne

I cannot believe they replaced that Darrin.

Jackie

It was a hit show. They knew they could get away with anything.

(Sarah Chalke) I like the second Darrin much better.

Jackie

Glad you could make it, Fred.

Fred

Well, with sixteen cousins, my family could use the extra room at the kids' table.

Jackie

[to Roseanne] Sixteen cousins, I didn't know Fred had sixteen cousins.

Fred

We're a fertile people, Jackie. Guess I don't need to tell you that.

Dan

You know, Fred, us being here is making it very hard for them to talk about us behind our back. To the living room, for football.

Jackie

[to Roseanne, as Fred and Dan leave] No family for Thanksgiving, huh? Stop trying to shove us together.

Roseanne

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the two of you have already been shoved together.

Roseanne

You were pregnant with me before you married Dad?!

Nana Mary

Damn right she was. Well, we always lied about the day she got married. She got married June 1952, and you were born in November 1952. Do a little math.

Bev

You are not senile, you're just mean. You promised me that you would never tell them! [Leaves in hysterics through the kitchen] No one in this whole family cares about me! My children don't love me! You don't love me! I'm all alone! Alone!!!

Roseanne

I'm going after her, Dan. Release the dogs!

Fred

You okay, Jackie?

Jackie

Outta my way, Fred. I'm not missin' this.

Dan

Yeah, Fred, we're quite a family. Now that you've gotten one of us pregnant, it's too late to escape! [laughs maniacally]

DJ

(on having stolen his parents' car) I was just going down the street. George dared me. Then i got stuck in the mud and couldn't get out.

Roseanne

So you come all the way home and just go to bed and you don't even tell us about it?!

DJ

I forgot!