Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

Well, people've been saying it for years, but now with Dan going to jail and everything, we are officially poor white trash! [everyone dances and claps while Dan plays "Oh! Susanna" on his harmonica]

Roseanne

Now all we need is some little half-wit sittin' in the front yard eating dirt.

D.J.

[coming in the front door] Hi!

Roseanne

[to Darlene, who is opening her mouth to speak and pointing at D.J.] Shut up, Darlene.

Dan

Tell me some more wonderful things about myself. Start with my eyes.

Roseanne

You wanna hear all the things I like about you? Uh - you picked me... [pauses for a few seconds] ...and you fix stuff!

Dan

Good enough! [gets into bed with Roseanne]

Darlene

I just couldn't go on being part of the Connor family money-making death machine.

Roseanne

Oh, now you come up with a name for the restaurant!

Darlene

Doesn't it bother you that you make a living by exploiting animals?

Roseanne

You just don't get it, do you? We are too low on the food chain to exploit people; all that's left for us IS animals!

D.J.

"Gather round, ye citizens of Lanford, and hear the tale of the founding of your town. Many years ago, Vikings came to America and discovered Lanford, but it was already one of the thirteen colonies. So Abraham Lincoln sent them home. He freed the Vikings. And then the Indians came with Geronimo and..."

Roseanne

Hey, hey, hold it. Where did you come up with all this stuff?

D.J.

Darlene told me.

Roseanne

[to Darlene] Hey, I'm surprised you left out the part where Moses led his people out of Lanford. [to D.J.] Never believe anything Darlene tells you.

Darlene

Except what I told you about sex. That was all true.

Roseanne

[to D.J.] I want you to go to the library and look up the real story about the founding of Lanford, OK? Go to where we check out the videos and ask where the books are.

D.J.

Okay, but I'm looking up the sex thing too, so be ready!

Roseanne

That's it, I'm not making any more calls. You do the rest of the family list.

Jackie

[crying] I can't call people, Roseanne!

Roseanne

Jackie, dial!

Jackie

I'm supposed to be in mourning.

Roseanne

Well then, wear a veil over your face while you do it!

Jackie

[dials the phone] Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie...Jack-key! I'm fine...Fine!...I'm fine!...I have some bad news...Dad is not with us anymore. I said Dad has passed away...He's passed away!...Dad is gone...Dad's dead!...He's dead!...No, DEAD!...DEAD!!! ... He's fine! He sends his love! Bye! [hangs up] I am not doing that again! You can't make me!

Ooohhh, we all know what this is about, don't we? You're just jealous 'cause I've made something of myself.

Roseanne

Yeah, an ass. [Pause] And where did you get that hoity-toity accent anyway? I mean, you're from Illinois! You've been talking that away ever since you did that stupid play in high school.

Well, I'm sorry I don't have your dulcet tones.

Roseanne

I can't believe that I wasted 25 years hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there's a very good reason to hate you: you're a bitch!

I'm a bitch? Hah. I bow to the queen of all bitches. Do you want to know why I didn't want you to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in the whole state of Illinois to make your dress.

Roseanne

Good one!

I want you to see what kind of ungrateful garbage I've raised!

Roseanne

Hey, I don't mean to interfere here, but, y'know, the kids, they just took a shot at staying together. It's not like it's the worst thing in the world.

Oh, you don't think so?

Roseanne

No, it's not even the worst thing Darlene's done today!

Listen to me. I don't want you butting in, telling me how to raise my kids. Take a look at the two little whores you raised!

Roseanne

...Oh... I'm in this now. You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take the opportunity to remind you that people who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones. It's people like you that give white trash a bad name.

David

Please just stop. It's over, okay? I'm not going anywhere, I promise.

I'd like to see you try and run away from me. You think you could live without me? You think you could survive for two minutes in that world unless I was taking care of you? You are worthless! YOU ARE A WORTHLESS LITTLE BASTARD!!!

Roseanne

OK, I'm changing my mind. David, you can come live with us if you want to.

Are you trying to steal my kid?!

Roseanne

It ain't got nothing to do with stealing anything. Whether he runs away or comes and lives at my place, he is not gonna stay here with you.

Roseanne

Dan, I wouldn't ordinarily do this without you, but... I went and had another kid.

Dan

Is David out there?

Roseanne

You mean Dan Jr.?

Dan

My God, I can feel it. The hormonal balance in this house has shifted. AND THE MEN ARE VICTORIOUS! [in mock British accent] Come men, let us repair to the living room. We shall watch The Three Stooges and we shall scratch ourselves.

[after Dan, D.J. and David leave, look at each other and chuckle] Pizza.

Roseanne

And David, while you live here, you'll be home by curfew, you will keep your room clean. You will be the child we've never had.

David

Okay, that's fair.

Dan

These are just the rules today. We reserve the right to change the rules at any time, for your safety, for your education, or for our amusement. That is the price of living in our kingdom.

Roseanne

Welcome to Roseannadu.

Dan

I'm gonna go out tonight and do exactly what I did the night before our wedding twenty years ago--I'll be with my friends getting drunk.

Roseanne

You weren't with your friends, you were with your mom.

Dan

My mom can drink my friends under the table any day!

Dan

Rosey We Need to talk. We Gotta do our anniversary another night. I gotta work tomorrow.

Roseanne

You gotta work tomorrow?

Molly

I can get the homework assignment from Darlene later.

Roseanne

Dan, did you hear that? Darlene went to school today.

Dan

Aw man, we're screwed.

Roseanne

No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take 1 billion years to reach the earth.

Roseanne

No, well, I'm thinkin' about that bridge we could of bought over there in New York City.

Dan

Aw, she was a dandy big bridge, alright.

Roseanne

You know Dan, if we move fast, we can get right in on that pyramid scheme sweeping Lanford, we can own our very own damn pyramid.

Dan

You mean like the ones up to Egypt, Africa? Hot diggity-dog!