Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Dan

Oh my god! I can't believe we forgot about him again.

Roseanne

Boy, he better learn how to bitch and moan like his sisters, or he ain't going to make it in this family.

Roseanne

(to D.J.) Remember, since the last time, your dad made that rule: no more pets.

Dan

(with the dog) Yes, you're just a happy boy, yes you are. Look at you, waggin' your happy little tail. Mmm mmm mmm, ah-oooohh.

Roseanne

Dan, would you like to explain your "no more pets" rule or keep making out with the dog?

Roseanne

[after Jackie confesses to sleeping with Arnie] What the hell were you thinking?!

Jackie

I was thinking that I just lost a great guy like Gary and now he's gone for good, and I'll never find another great guy. I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arm and pelican neck, and all my houseplants are dead, and no one loves me, but what difference does that make anyway because everything in my life sucks!

Roseanne

Well, that's still no excuse.

Dan

Hey honey, why didn't you tell me Leon was gay?

Roseanne

What difference does it make? You're all pigs!

What about her friends? What if she's hanging around with a bad influence?

Roseanne

[Scoffs] No, Darlene always was the bad influence.

Roseanne

God, I hate Kathy Bowman!

And today's reason is…

Leon

Roseanne, did it ever occur to you for just even one moment to stay out of this?!

Roseanne

Yeah, but by then it was way too late.

[after learning that Roseanne bought some of Kathy's stolen property from the robbers under the impression that she was donating to charity] It was a stupid thing, Roseanne. It was the stupidest thing anyone has ever done, and you are the stupidest woman on the face of the earth! [storms away]

Roseanne

Oh yeah?! I paid twenty bucks for that piece of crap and you paid two hundred! THAT'S stupid!

I'm in hell.

Roseanne

Nah, you're just in Lanford. Same zip code, though. Y'know, Lanford's not a bad town. You just gotta go with it more... fit in.

And what does that mean, Roseanne? Am I supposed to wander around town in a tacky house coat and flip-flops with my hair in curlers?

Roseanne

Now you're getting it! Yeah! Absolutely. And then I'll throw us one of these here Tupperware parties and then I'll introduce you to the others.

What are you talking about?

Roseanne

Oh, we all used to be like you, Kathy. Angry, bitter, annoying...but now...we're The Lanford Wives.

Goodbye, Roseanne.

Roseanne

Oh, it's useless to try to resist us, Kathy. We already have Jerry! Jerry's one of us. Jerry joined the Lodge.

You're a sick woman, Roseanne.

Roseanne

Oh, you'll start to love it, I promise, Kathy. Just think about it: Swap meets, bowling leagues, bingo, double coupon days, Casino Night at the slaughterhouse. IT'S YOUR DESTINY.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it wouldn't be Halloween unless the Conners overdid it, so without further ado...

Roseanne

[from behind the curtain] Hey, Chuckie, just do it like we told you.

Oh, okay. [Takes card from under hat and reads] "Fellow lodge members, we had booked a fabulous act to entertain you tonight, but unfortunately they died. But the show must go on, so here they are, fresh from the cemetery, please welcome..." Oh, man. "Deadgar Bergen and Mortuary Snerd."

Dan

So you want to just take off and leave the kids?

Roseanne

Yes, Dan, that's all I've ever wanted!!

Roseanne

[at a customer] You did too order salami. Yes ya did. Yes ya did. Then why'd you take a big ol' bite out of it?

[on the phone] Oh, she's doing much better, Dan.

Roseanne

Eat it or wear it.

Roseanne

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah. Which is better, the tuna salad or the egg salad?

Roseanne

Tuna salad, egg salad, chicken salad, turkey salad, shrimp salad. What difference does it make? It's all just different words for mayonnaise. Pick one.

Dan

Mmmm, what smells good?

Roseanne

Prime rib, baked potatoes and all the trimmings.

Dan

Say, that does smell good. What are we having?

Roseanne

Somethin' I need scissors for.

Roseanne

We shouldn't even be sitting here watching TV. TV's the whole way my whole generation learned to smoke anyhow.

Jackie

Oh, come on.

Roseanne

It's true, Jackie. Lucy smoked, Desi smoked, Ward smoked, Make Room for Daddy smoked, Gomez and Morticia smoked, Maxwell Smart smoked, 99, the Chief, Hymie—and he was a robot, but he smoked. Patty smoked.

Jackie

Cathy didn't.

Roseanne

I know, but they made her into a huge nerd. Rob smoked, Laura smoked, Buddy, Sally, Jerry, Millie smoked. I don't know about Samantha, but both Darrins smoked.