Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

How long do we cook it?

Roseanne

'Til the oldest kid comes down and whines 'Oh God, not meatloaf again!'. Call me when you're ready.

Hey, wait a minute. I don't see why I have to be stuck in this kitchen, killing myself cooking dinner for this family!

Yeah!

Roseanne

This is a proud, proud, proud moment for me, girls! Now you're sounding like real housewives.

Roseanne

Don't encourage him!

Dan

Kid's a genius!

Roseanne

He's an extortionist! So, what, now I'm buying Twinkies for Maxine instead of Kevin?

D.J.

No. I told Kevin I'd call Maxine off if he'd give me two Twinkies every day. Then I give one to Maxine and eat the other one. Doesn't cost you anything.

Roseanne

He IS a genius.

Roseanne

Geez, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts like a total baby.

Dan

[yells] What's that honey?

Roseanne

[yells back] I said, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts just like a baby!

Dan

Oh, ok.

Roseanne

Look at these really cool sunglasses.

Dan

What do you need those for? You never leave the casino.

Roseanne

That's so nobody can see my eyes when I'm bluffing.

Dan

You can't bluff a slot machine.

Roseanne

I don't see why not, you talk to the dice.

Dan

Oh look, it's our favorite fun couple: Becky and anybody-but-that-guy.

Roseanne

Oh man, he makes my skin crawl...

Dan

Ah...honey, just put on your best fake smile.

Jackie

Maybe she was a little uptight.

Roseanne

A little uptight? Hey, man you couldn't drag a needle out of her butt with a tractor.

So now you're a better mother because you have more children?

Roseanne

Yes! I have three, and you only have one. Three to one, get it! I have three! I win!

Roseanne

Oh, you probably still sneak into Todd's room at night, and check if he's breathing.

Yes!

Roseanne

Amateur!

Jackie

We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.

Darlene

Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty little life-sucking poop machine.

Roseanne

[to Crystal] You still want her to babysit?

Roseanne

I can't stand it no more, Dan. I gotta push.

Dan

No, no, not 'til the doctor gets here. Come on, blow.

Roseanne

[after a few quick breaths] Okay, okay, it passed.

Dan

You're pushing.

Roseanne

No I'm not!

Dan

Yes, you are! If you aren't going to do this right, let's forget the whole thing.

Roseanne

Oh, right, we'll just go home. God, you're such a moron!

Roseanne

You're the guy that said you could see yourself sleeping if you just woke up fast enough.

Ziggy

And I've never been proven wrong.

Roseanne

Becky wants me to take her and get her some birth control. [Dan heads for the back of the shop] Where are you going?

Dan

Oh, I'm gonna kill Mark. He's in back, so I have to go in the back to kill him.

Crystal

[sobbing about why her baby won't sleep at night] Well, why won't he sleep?! I've tried everything, even the washing machine!

Darlene

You put him in the washing machine??

Crystal

No, Darlene. You put him in his little baby seat on the washer, and the vibrations are supposed to soothe him to sleep.

Roseanne

[to Darlene] Yeah, you know, when you were a baby we couldn't afford a washing machine, so I had to take you down to the river and beat you against a rock.

Roseanne

What are people gonna say, Jackie? [about Becky using birth control]

Jackie

Who's gonna know?

Roseanne

She's gonna tell all her friends, and then her friends will tell their moms, [mimicking a whiny teenager] "Mrs. Conner lets Becky have sex!"

D.J.

I haven't said anything in two days and nobody's cared.

Roseanne

That's impossible.

D.J.

Uh huh! The last thing I said was 'Cheerios'!