RockYou made money by faking injuries and suing people? That's terrible.
[mockingly] Oh, moral Rock doesn't like making his money through fraudulent lawsuits.
Broke or not, you still have to pay for your pizza. Maybe it's time you stop being a bum and get a job.
[mockingly once again] Oh, judgmental Paper calls me a bum just 'cause I fit the definition of one.
Why don't you ever wanna find work? Is it because you're not really good at anything?
Rock
Yeah, Scissors is good at lot of things, like, uh, sunglasses.
Forget you guys. I'll find work when I want to.
Well, until you do, you can't have pizza with us.
In fact, every time you walk through that door, Rock and I will be eating pizza until it motivates you to get a job.
Rock
Awesome!
[groans] Fine! You just watch. I'll have pizza money in no time. [bumps his leg on the table] Ow, my leg or-
JJudge
In the case of Scissors vs. Paper and his dangerous coffee table, the court rules in favor of Paper.
[rips the bandages off himself] Dang it! Alright. I'll get a job.
[weakly and stuffed with a huge belly] Scissors, did you… [stomach grumbles while he clutches it] Oh. …get a job yet?
Rock
[pushes Paper aside, also stuffed with a huge belly] Please say yes.
Guys, I can't talk right now. I'm hiding out in a chamomile field.
Oh, of course you are. Then you leave us no choice. [pulls a giant pizza pie] We're going to eat the most decadent pizza ever created.
Rock
No!
The Ultimate Meat Huggers Double Stuffed Deep Dishanator with 50 pounds… of cheese. [Rock starts crying as he eats a slice while Scissors looks confused] It's so… [grabs his stomach while groaning as it grumbles] ...good.
Rock
[whimpers as Paper eats another slice] Oh, there's pizza underneath the pizza! [he and Paper eat more slices until they fall on their sides and holding their bellies in pain]
[gets an idea] Wait. I know what I'm good at! [runs away, dropping his phone]
Oh, Rock, he ran away. We're gonna come find you, Scissors. We just want to have… [his stomach gurgles; groans] …as much fun… Oh, no. …as we're having!
Rock
No more pizza! NO MORE PIZZA!!!!!
Why is it so hot in here?
Rock
Scissors crank the heater up so he can show off his new tank top.
Check it out! It's a monster truck with enormous biceps. It's perfect for tough guys like me. I even had them print my motto on the back. "If you want the 'ceps, you do the reps."
You don't do the reps, and why are you in a tank top? It's winter. [opens the window blinds, revealing the winter sky and wind] You're gonna overload the heater like this. It can't handle… [the heater suddenly breaks down and the cold air breezes into the apartment; sighs in annoyance] Without me, you guys would not survive.
[The trio stand outside of Lou's apartment]
Rock
Lou!
Listen, our heater broke and we need you to fix it.
[sarcastically] Oh, fancy, boys, you "set" the temperature in your apartment. You don't got to turn on a hot plate and rub it on your bum.
Rock
You don't got it either.
Well, I can't help you. I'm on my way to Landlord Con. It's a meetup for landlords where we talk about plumbing and famous literature.
Fine, it's just plumbing. Anyway, I'll be back in three days. Mittens, you're the new landlord while I'm gone.
[Mittens walks out of the doorway and meows to them as if he was saying "I'm raising the rent!"]
Rock
Mittens!
That's so unfair! [as he and his friends return to their apartment] It'll be fine. We could survive without heat for three days.
[They enter their apartment and shockingly find it all covered in snow and icicles]
Well, we can go stay with my mom.
Rock
New adventure! Rock, Paper, Scissors move in with Paper's mom!
[trying to open the door, but only to find that it's quickly frozen; grunting] It's frozen shut! We're trapped!
By the way, fun fact about monster trucks-- they don't normally have biceps.
[groans annoyingly] Well, we're off to a great start. We can't call for help because our phones are frozen. [to Scissors] You won't put on a jacket because you keep saying you "run hot."
[shivering; resisting the cold temperature] T-t-tough guys like me don't g-get cold.
And Rock is not taking this seriously.
[wearily while making an igloo] I just need to finish this igloo. That'll keep us safe.
Rock
Oh, here's a good one. If you were a warm, nutritious food, what warm, nutritious food would you be? [igloo explodes, covering them in snow] Do you prefer the hot or the cold?
Fun fact about me, I actually run…
[snapping] Shut up! Shut up! Ah, I hate this! I am tired of you two being incapable, and I hate always being the savior of this group!
What'll it take to get you to join? You want money, gifts, someone to hug you and say, "Good job, son"? Wait, that's what I want.
Look, pranks are mean, and they're hurting our society. Just think what we could accomplish if we stopped tricking people and started helping them. As a man of science, I'd rather spend my time changing the world, curing diseases, and bringing back the rainforest!
[to Rock] How funny would it be if that wrecking ball would hit him right now?
[bursting into their apartment] Guys, the Rat Bros asked me to join their side in the prank war!
Rock
[shocked] WHAT?! Wait, I actually don't know how to feel about this yet. Keep talking.
I'm so excited! Most people don't know this about me, but I'm a huge trickster. One time, I told a coworker something was made of polycarbonate when it was actually made of polythylmethacrylate!
[chuckles] Oh, you are bad.
[The trio are hiding behind a bush in the park, watching the Rat Bros weightlifting]
Okay. What's the plan, new guy?
I say we sneak up and blast them with my water balloon cannon. Now, Rock! Push the button!
Rock
[tries to push the button but the laser zaps him causing him to dance uncontrollably] I'm trying but I can't stop dancing!
I'll do it. [the laser zaps him; his body starts to inflate like a balloon and floats away] What is- Rock, grab me! GRAB ME! [holds onto the cannon]
What the heck is going- [the laser zaps him; screams as his neck extends like a giraffe and his giraffe-like head falls to the ground] Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
[The Rat Bros walk up to them]
Rock
Oh, the party won't stop!
'Sup, boys? Were you planning to blast us with your secret weapon? Well, we have a secret weapon too.
[popping up from a nearby bush] I made an atomic transmogrification laser! It can alter molecular structure in really crazy ways! Watch. [zaps Scissors' head, causing it to also inflate]
My head! My head is a balloon! [floats away]
Okay, this might be a bit harder than I thought.
Sharp branch! Sharp branch!
[Scissors' nose is poked by a branch and deflates around while the Rat Bros laugh]
[The Rat Bros have tied up the trio to chairs for sneaking into their apartment and trying to steal Pencil's transmogrification laser]
[to Brody, Brogan and Derf] Hey, I know we're in a prank war right now, but I just wanna say I really respect you guys. Prank! You're trashed! Ha, ha! We got one, guys. We got one.
Theft, Paper? That was your plan? You know, I expected something that basic from Scissors, and maybe Rock, 'cause I don't know much about him.
Rock
We should hang out more.
We should! But come on, man, up your game. It's like, I'm Issac Newton and you're Godfried-Willem Raes.
[interrupting the Prank War award ceremony while in a mech suit] Stop that crowning!
WWoman
What? Stop the crowning?
[walks up on the stage] Oh, you thought this was over? [snickers] Well, prank! [Scissors grabs Derf from his seat; stands on the podium] Ladies and gentlemen, answer me this: How can the Rat Bros accept the prank crown if the Rat Bros aren't all on this planet? [Derf is then strapped to a rocket] Yes! Do it, Scissors! Wedgie that Rat Bro into space! Look at me now, Pencil! I'm Issac Newton! I'm Issac Newton! [laughs maniacally, shaking the podium]
[Rock, Pencil, the Rat Bros, the audience and Paper all watch as Scissors is preparing to fire the missile and send Derf off into space]
[suddenly having a change of heart] No. [deactivates the rocket and sets Derf down]
No more prank war! [the audience gasps] I just had a huge revelation. Pranks are mean, and they're hurting our society.
Wait, that's what I said.
Just think what we could accomplish if we stopped tricking people and started helping them.
[baffled] Is he doing my speech?
As a man of science, I'd rather spend my time changing the world, curing diseases, and bringing back the rainforest!
[The audience clap and cheer, and the Rat Bros whistle]
Rock
Whoo!
BRBetter Rock, Paper, & Scissors
Hello!
BRBetter Rock
Come in, come in!
Huh. Your place looks similar to ours.
Although, I see you don't see have a TV.
BSBetter Scissors
Why would we need a TV? We're too entertained by our friends.
RPRock, Paper & Scissors
Ugh.
BRBetter Rock
Thanks for bringing these over. Funny enough, we just got some of your mail today, too.
You're smarter than us, you're nicer than us, you're at least 15 other things better than us. What's wrong with you guys?!
BSBetter Scissors
You tell us. We're always willing to grow.
[Scissors yells in rage]
BPBetter Paper
Hey, you seem upset. Why don't we all go to the couch and talk about our feelings?
[The better trio fly back to the couch]
Rock
You fly too?!
Rock
Guys! We got more holiday cards!
[disappointed] Man, everyone looks so perfect in these photos-- Lou, the Rat Bros, even Crazy-Eyed Pirate.
Rock
Who?
I don't know. We met a lot of wacky characters. It's hard to keep track.
Why can't we take a good holiday picture? Every year, something goes wrong. There was that year Rock's head got stuck in a honey jar, the year we had broccoli in our teeth, the year we were all 8-bit, the year Scissors went Super Saiyan.
And the year Rock dressed up as some old cartoon character.
[The last photo shows Rock in his Rocko getup from Rocko's Modern Life]
Rock
You didn't enjoy "Rocko, Paper, Scissors"?
I liked that show. The main guy was always like… [imitating Rocko's voice] "Hey, mate, I'm Rocko, and I have a dog named Spunky. He-he." [normally] Or something like that. I don't do a very good impression.
I just want one perfect holiday photo.
[The trio are eating at a cafe while Paper is dressed in medical scrubs]
[bitter with jealousy] So, we're just not gonna talk about Paper's clothes.
Rock
Guys, let's be peaceful.
I mean, you're wearing scrubs. You are not a doctor, and yet, you are wearing the clothes a doctor wears.
Oh, is that what these are? I thought they were pajamas.
I thought it was a necklace.
Yeah? You wear necklaces now?
Rock
Scissors, take a breath.
This is insane! He's so desperate for respect, he put on scrubs so people think he's a doctor. Well, no one's buying it, Paper!
OHOrange-haired Kid
Wow, a real-life hero! [offers Paper to sign his autograph] How can I be a doctor one day?
I'll say this, it's more than just putting on the clothes.
That's literally all he did!
Rock
Let's ask why this upsets you.
Rock, you went on one meditation retreat, you're not some wise, old sage. [points to Paper] And he's not a doctor! I bet he can't even tell you what hospital he works at!
Rock
Want to tell your problems to a rock you never met?
BOBowling Owner
[sighs] It's that Scissors guy. He's putting me out of business. See? At my bowling alley, a perfect score gets you a free tub of curly fries and a free game. And Scissors got so good at bowling, he hasn't paid for a game in 2 years.
Rock
Yeah, Scissors gets carried away when he finds a deal. It tends to turn him into a cartoon villain.
[Scissors laughs deviously while wearing an evil mustache made of curly fries]
Rock
[to Scissors] Listen, Scissors. It would really help the owner if you started paying for curly fries.
Oh, naive Rock, always trying to help. Don't you know how life works? You don't win by helping. You win by taking advantage, and exploiting deals for all... they're... worth! [laughs maniacally as lightning bolts flash behind him] Man, these deals make me a maniac.
Rock
I like to believe that if you reach out your arms to others, their arms will reach back out to you.
You also believe the Earth is heart-shaped. I can't trust anything you say.
Rock
Then how about this? I challenge you to a game of bowling. If I win, you have to start paying for curly fries. But if you win, you get the bowling alley.
Seriously? I mean, yeah, of course. That's a very uneven deal.
Rock Paper Scissors · 174 quotes
