Lou Zer quotes from Rock Paper Scissors

Lou

[as the end credits roll] Look at all these Hollywood phonies. Oh, Bob. Bob pronounces it "croi-ssant." Very annoying. Kurt, he's a fancy guy! Drinks seltzer! What are you, not getting enough free air? You got to pay to drink it? And let me tell you something about Nickelodeon, and I won't let them censor this! They... [a card sequence reading, "Oops! Please stand by" appears] I hope you like this episode, 'cause now, they get a lot worse!

Lou

[on the phone] Lou here, ready for adventures! [disappointed] Oh, it's the dentist.

Lou

[off-screen] It's Lou. Let me in.

Scissors

Shoot, it's the landlord!

Paper

Don't answer it. I don't want to deal with that pile of garbage.

Rock

Paper! He's not that bad.

Paper

No, I mean, he's literally trash.

Rock

Lou, can you please put on pants?

Lou

Pants? What am I, rich? You'd think I work on Wall Street? Oh, look at me. I wear pants and own a sports team. Why don't I buy a Lamborghini, too, wear that around my legs?

Paper

Why is it so hot in here?

Rock

Scissors crank the heater up so he can show off his new tank top.

Scissors

Check it out! It's a monster truck with enormous biceps. It's perfect for tough guys like me. I even had them print my motto on the back. "If you want the 'ceps, you do the reps."

Paper

You don't do the reps, and why are you in a tank top? It's winter. [opens the window blinds, revealing the winter sky and wind] You're gonna overload the heater like this. It can't handle… [the heater suddenly breaks down and the cold air breezes into the apartment; sighs in annoyance] Without me, you guys would not survive.

Lou

I'm raising the rent!

Rock

Lou!

Paper

Hold on!

Scissors

Give us a second!

Paper

Listen, our heater broke and we need you to fix it.

Lou

[sarcastically] Oh, fancy, boys, you "set" the temperature in your apartment. You don't got to turn on a hot plate and rub it on your bum.

Rock

You don't got it either.

Lou

Well, I can't help you. I'm on my way to Landlord Con. It's a meetup for landlords where we talk about plumbing and famous literature.

Scissors

Name one book.

Lou

Fine, it's just plumbing. Anyway, I'll be back in three days. Mittens, you're the new landlord while I'm gone.

Rock

Mittens!

Paper

Come on!

Scissors

That's so unfair! [as he and his friends return to their apartment] It'll be fine. We could survive without heat for three days.

Paper

Well, we can go stay with my mom.

Rock

New adventure! Rock, Paper, Scissors move in with Paper's mom!

Paper

[trying to open the door, but only to find that it's quickly frozen; grunting] It's frozen shut! We're trapped!

Scissors

By the way, fun fact about monster trucks-- they don't normally have biceps.

Paper

[groans annoyingly] Well, we're off to a great start. We can't call for help because our phones are frozen. [to Scissors] You won't put on a jacket because you keep saying you "run hot."

Scissors

[shivering; resisting the cold temperature] T-t-tough guys like me don't g-get cold.

Paper

And Rock is not taking this seriously.

I hang out in abandoned petting zoos. My favorite part of the popsicle is the stick. I hiss at passing cars. [hisses at a car that just passed him] I have a lot of chest hair in this jar! [holds up a jar of his chest hair]

Creepo, why can't you be more like me? Dave.

Rock

See?

Logan

[enters the trio's apartment] I heard you guys got Stephernie. I got Stephernie!

Brody

I got Fire Hydrant.

Lou

[sliding in] I got Dave!

Scissors

Sure.

Logan

I see that.

Paper

Me too.

Rock

How? How do you see that?

Logan

Hey, some Stephernies and I are having a party to watch the 1,000th episode. Now that we're all Stephernies, I'm willing to put aside our differences if you want to come. [he, Paper, and Scissors all hold hands and squeal in joy]

Paper

It's "The Paper Show"! Get ready for a one-man show starring Paper and his many talents. [Logan gets up and walks away] The greatest juggling act you've ever seen in three... two... [throws some things which are deadly and screams] Hey, dummy. Want to sing as I drink milk? [drinks milk and notices a dummy is not singing] No. Gonna do some improv for you. I just need a word to get started.

Scissors

Jacket!

Paper

Can I get another word?

Pencil

Circus!

Paper

Can I get a fruit that's round and orange?

Rock

Kumquat!

Paper

[rapping] When I say "Paper", you say "rules". Paper-

No.

Rock

Lou, are you okay?!

Lou

I saw my life flash before my eyes! So much yelling and rent raising, but a lot of bad things too!

Scissors

Oh, man, this is the best team we could assemble? Lou, Potato, Female Birthday Cop, Creepo the Stinkboy, Sal Garbanzo, and a polar bear.

Paper

No one even knows the routine! Also, Lou told me he just had a big meal.

Lou

[stuffed] I cannot move.

Scissors

Oh, great. Now we're gonna humiliate ourselves in front of the whole world. Robo Car Wash won't make the history books, and we're gonna let down Rock.

Scissors

[quietly] It's okay. If we don't say anything, he'll think we're gone and he'll leave us alo--

Lou

[kicks the door down with his foot] Oh, there you are. I was knocking. [the trio sighs in disappointment] Listen, something's wrong with my cat, Meatball. I took him to the vet, changed his diet, even bought him a kitty Peloton, which he never uses… but he's still looking rough.

Rock

How old is he?

Lou

30.

Rock

30?

Lou

That's not that old. I'm only 31.

Rock

31?!

Paper

Uh, Lou, it might be Meatball's time.

Lou

What? I can't lose Meatball. We've done everything together.

Lou

I'm going broke trying to take care of him. I need more tenants.

Scissors

You also need to check that vampire book. He looks even worse now.

Lou

That's on me. I accidentally made him sick 'cause I ordered a garlic pizza from Chaepo's Pizza.

Paper

You ordered a garlic pizza?

Lou

Yeah, with garlic knots, garlic tots, raw garlic, and a pint of garlic juice.

Rock

[disgusted] Eww!

Lou

Try it.

Rock

[takes a drink of the garlic juice] Ooh, worse than I thought,

Scissors

In fairness, Meatball would've gotten sick from a regular Cheapo's pizza. That place is awful.

Cheapo's Pizza! Everyone gets food poisoning here!

Lou

[as Meatball puts his paw on his hand] I know, Meatball. I'll find a way to save you.

Lou

[also showing up along with his cats] I'm here too! Also, I couldn't find a cat-sitter, so I brought the boys.

Scissors

Lou, we didn't invite you.

Lou

And I expect an apology.

Rock

[to Franz] Well, thanks for teaching me how to do the turn. [starts to walk away, sadly]

Franz

Wait. I'd like to participate in this very weird event. Rock, I apologize. I've been selfish, oblivious, and put you through a wringer of comedic hijinks. But I promise to change. In fact, from this day forward, I'm going to be your mentor.

Rock

[overjoyed] You will?!

Franz

Because if I pass my knowledge on to you, it'll help me even more! People will ask, "Where did you learn those moves?" and you'll say, "Franz Roll, of course. The greatest model alive." It's like you will be a living advertisement for me, and my name will be etched in the tomes of modeling history!

Rock

Works for me!

Scissors

Aww, that's nice. I'm glad everything worked out. [accidentally activates the enlargement ray, zapping Lou's cats in making them grow into enormous size]

Lou

What the heck did you do?!

Paper

[sighs] We're gonna need another soirée.