Logan quotes from Rock Paper Scissors

Logan

[kneels down to Scissors] Good job, son. [he and Scissors hug as the latter sheds tears of happiness]

Logan

Those guys are so inconceivable.

Rock

What the heck was that?!

[darkly] The Rat Bros.

Logan

[answers the door; smugly] 'Sup, losers?

Rock

Losers?

Paper

Come on.

Scissors

Man, you're cool.

Paper

What is going on in there?!

Logan

Oh, we're doing pogo tricks, brah. [shows the trio his brothers: Brody, Brogan and Derf, on their pogo sticks] We're hosting a super cool pogo party this Sunday. You're welcome to come, except… oh, that's right…you don't have pogo sticks.

Rat Bros

Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro.

Paper

[frustrated] Ugh! I hate those Rat Bros, yet, I care so much about what they think of me.

Scissors

We have to get pogo sticks. If we don't, we won't be cool.

Scissors

Okay. What's the plan, new guy?

Paper

I say we sneak up and blast them with my water balloon cannon. Now, Rock! Push the button!

Rock

[tries to push the button but the laser zaps him causing him to dance uncontrollably] I'm trying but I can't stop dancing!

Scissors

I'll do it. [the laser zaps him; his body starts to inflate like a balloon and floats away] What is- Rock, grab me! GRAB ME! [holds onto the cannon]

Paper

What the heck is going- [the laser zaps him; screams as his neck extends like a giraffe and his giraffe-like head falls to the ground] Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Rock

Oh, the party won't stop!

Logan

'Sup, boys? Were you planning to blast us with your secret weapon? Well, we have a secret weapon too.

Pencil

[popping up from a nearby bush] I made an atomic transmogrification laser! It can alter molecular structure in really crazy ways! Watch. [zaps Scissors' head, causing it to also inflate]

Scissors

My head! My head is a balloon! [floats away]

Paper

Okay, this might be a bit harder than I thought.

Scissors

Sharp branch! Sharp branch!

Logan

[wakes up when he hears loud crashing sounds] Did you guys hear something? [his brothers wake up, also hearing the sound; they walk over to Scissors, disguised as a graffiti painting, then walk over to Rock, mistaking him for a smart device] Smart device, play smooth jazz. [Rocks plays some music, but not smooth jazz; walks over to Paper holding a sign saying: "I'm a TV"; realizing something] Wait a second. [turns back to Rock] That's Afro-Cuban jazz!

Paper

GRAB THE LASER!

I hang out in abandoned petting zoos. My favorite part of the popsicle is the stick. I hiss at passing cars. [hisses at a car that just passed him] I have a lot of chest hair in this jar! [holds up a jar of his chest hair]

Creepo, why can't you be more like me? Dave.

Rock

See?

Logan

[enters the trio's apartment] I heard you guys got Stephernie. I got Stephernie!

Brody

I got Fire Hydrant.

Lou

[sliding in] I got Dave!

Scissors

Sure.

Logan

I see that.

Paper

Me too.

Rock

How? How do you see that?

Logan

Hey, some Stephernies and I are having a party to watch the 1,000th episode. Now that we're all Stephernies, I'm willing to put aside our differences if you want to come. [he, Paper, and Scissors all hold hands and squeal in joy]

Logan

[answers the door] Come in! I see you brought pizza, as a Stephernie would. Please, put it on the table and join the party.

Scissors

Wow, check out all these other Stephernies. Baron Von Snootsberg, Robot Executive.

Paper

Sandpaper, you're a Stephernie, too?

Sandpaper

Of course, we're both career women, and we both have a secret love of ribbon dancing. [gasps] Oh, no. Secret's out.

Scissors

[noticing something] Wait a minute! Someone brought pepperoni pizza, when everyone knows Stephernie's favorite topping is an entire Thanksgiving dinner! Someone here is not a Stephernie! [the others gasp in shock] No one's going anywhere, even if it takes all week, we will find the imposter, and when we do, there will be a severe punishment.

Scissors

[annoyed] Ugh. Are the Rat Bros having another party?

Rock

They are such jerks!

Paper

Let's go up there and tell them to start being respectable members of society.

Scissors

Okay, but just don't get on your high horse again.

Logan

[answers the door] 'Sup, bros? Oh, are we tutoring too loud?

Paper

Tutoring?

Logan

Yeah. We tutor underprivileged kids all the time. [shows them his brothers tutoring four children] Ruby, tell 'em the thesis of your report.

In a juxtaposition of the sublime and the banal, the artist's oeuvre deftly encapsulates the ephemeral nature of human experience.

Scissors

What the heck was that?!

Rock

The Rat Bros aren't supposed to be better than us! They're supposed to be one-dimensional bad guys!

Paper

Yeah! I refuse to live in a world where the Rat Bros are morally superior. Because then we can't judge them! And that's how I feel good about myself!

Scissors

Paper, get off the horse.

Paper

I can't, I need a step stool!

Logan

[laughing hysterically along with his brothers] Did you see how upset they were?

Brogan

Our altruistic plan is totally working!

Derf

We are such jerks!

Rat Bros

[chest bumping] Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro!

Brody

[suddenly confused] But wait… are we jerks? Tutoring these kids is really nice. Bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro.

Logan

Brody, don't be ridiculous. We're only doing good things to make Rock, Paper, and Scissors feel bad about themselves, which is a jerk thing to do. And remember, the two rules of being a Rat Bro: If a bro asks you to spot 'em, you gotta spot 'em. And what's number two, kids?

Rat Bros are jerks because jerks are cool.

Logan

And you wanna be cool, right, Brody?

Brody

Of course. That's my one and only thought.

Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.

Shower?

NO! Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.

Logan

[reading an article about the trio being the best guys in town and receiving all the praise; outraged] Ugh! This makes me so mad! Why do we still pay for the newspaper?! [throws the newspaper on the ground and marches over to the weight bench] Brogan, spot me. I'm doing an angry set! We cannot let Rock, Paper, and Scissors feel good about themselves. We have to beat them!

Brody

Wait, Logan. Are you saying…

Logan

Yes, Brody. It's time for an altruistic-off!

Altruistic-off: A competition in which people or groups try to win by doing the most good for society.

Logan

Uh, Ruby, you can go home. Okay. Derf, go save the whales. Brogan and I will eliminate political corruption. And Brody? Get a PhD in robotic engineering to give people without limbs the best in robotic prostheses.

Derf

But, Logan, I already have a PhD in robotic engineering.

Logan

Too late. I already gave out the assignments.

Rock

[reading the article; also outraged] This is terrible! Newspapers are so important, and no one cares anymore! [throws the newspaper on the ground]

Scissors

What's the point of cleaning all this garbage off the street if we're losing?! [pushes the huge garbage bag out the window, and it falls onto the street, splashing some people in garbage]

Paper

We have to beat the Rat Bros, otherwise, I won't be able to judge them on my high horse! And how am I supposed to feel good about myself then, by winning horse races? [the horse looks at him and shakes its head no] See? He's not into it!

Paper

Feast your eyes, Rat Bros! I have created a device that will solve the global housing crisis by spitting out a fully-built house in just five seconds!

Scissors

We're gonna officially unveil it tomorrow at the Nobel Prize ceremony and beat you once and for all!

Rock

Build houses! That's what we should do!

Paper

See? He got there. [he and his friends walk off with their invention]

Logan

[frustrated] D'oh! I can't believe they're gonna beat us! They are such… good guys.

Brody

Actually, I think we'll still win.

Logan

What do you mean?

Brody

I saw a flaw in the device's engine. If they try to use that thing, it'll explode.

Derf

Yes!

Brogan

Sweet!

Logan

All right!

Rat Bros

Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro!

Brody

[feeling down, quietly] Nice, bro.

Derf

[noticing Brody's behavior after Logan and Brogan walk away; concerned] Hey, are you okay?

Brody

Yeah, I'm cool. [laughs awkwardly] Cool. I'm cool! Ha-ha. Cool guy. Super cool Brody. Listen, can I tell you something? You remember how I got my PhD from Princeton, right?

Derf

Yeah, in two days. Very impressive.

Brody

Well, I got a job at a hospital working in robotic prosthetics. [Flashback to him in his hospital shift as he puts some prostheses on a limbless patient named Mr. Drake] All right, Mr. Drake. Test them out.

[grips his prostheses, controlling them; surprised] Oh, my gosh. I-I can wave! I can point! I can… [uses them to scratch an itch on his behind] Oooh, I've been waiting to scratch that for 25 years!

Brody

[voice-over] But then, something weird happened.

Could I… hug you? It would be the first hug I've ever given.

Brody

[unsure] Um… I don't really--

[hugging him; sobbing happily] Thank you, Brody. You changed my life!

Brody

[hugs him in return with his eyes tearing up; voice-over] It felt amazing! And for the first time, I had a new thought.

Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.

Be good.

Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good.

We really should shower, though.

NO!

Brody

I think… I think I might be a good guy.

Derf

[gasps in dramatic shock] No. Brody, no. A-are you sure?

Brody

This morning, I wrote a big check to a food bank!

Derf

But you know the rules… jerks are cool. Good guys are… I don't even know!

Brody

Derf, I get it. But I'm thinking about that machine and… it just feels wrong to do nothing! Those homes would help so many people.

Derf

Look, I know it's tough, but sometimes you gotta make hard choices in life. Do you want to foster the well-being of millions… or be cool? [starts to walk away]

Brody

Hey, Derf… when you were saving the whales, were you thinking about beating Rock, Paper, and Scissors, or about how good it felt to save those whales?

Derf

[thinking for a second] Get some rest, bro. [resumes walking away]

Brody

Logan!

Logan

[darkly] I knew I'd find you here. Your "nice, bro" chest bump yesterday was lackluster at best. I gotta say, I feel betrayed… like Edmond Dantès in The Count of Monte Cristo.

Brody

That's a very literate reference.

Logan

Ah, we covered a lot in tutoring.

Brody

I'm sorry, but I can't let that device explode.

Logan

Spot me.

Brody

[having to have heard that; shocked] What? Here?!

Logan

I wanna do a set. [Brody reluctantly obeys as he sets down the pliers] Why are you doing this, Brody?!

Brody

The heart has its reasons, which reason knows nothing of.

Logan

Is that Blaise Pascal?

Brody

We covered a lot in tutoring.

Logan

[to Brody; irked] You said it wouldn't work! Ugh, whatever. We'll find another way to get Rock, Paper, and Scissors. [storms off]

Brody

[turns to the invention; perplexed] But how did it not explode?

Derf

[off-screen] I guess we'll never know.

Brody

[turns to him holding the pliers, revealing he's the one who fixed it; surprised] Derf?!

Derf

[hands Brody back the pliers] Maybe being a good guy is cool too. [walks off into the sunset as Brody smiles warmly, realizing that his conversation changed his mind]

Paper

[with his foot stuck in the stirrup of the horse's saddle] HELP! I'm stuck in the stirrup!

Scissors

Maya, I appreciate you checking on me, but I've felt great since I started figure skating. I think I can go without therapy for ten days.

[on the phone with Scissors while the taxi driver takes her and her husband to the airport] Are you sure? Because you have a history of not respecting my boundaries when I'm on vacation.

Scissors

[frantically] Paper made fun of my hair, and I need to talk about it right now!

I can't believe you flew to Morocco.

Scissors

I promise I'll be fine. I'll see you when you get back. [hangs up and nearly passes by the Rat Bros, who were already there, weightlifting]

Rat Bros

Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro.

Logan

Hey, look at Mr. Glitter Pants! Are you gonna put on skates and glide around gracefully? [he and his brothers laugh teasingly]

Scissors

Yeah, that's what figure skating is.

Logan

You gonna zip and whoosh and whoop-de-doo?

Scissors

You're just saying nonsense in a bullying tone. [then runs away, crying like a baby, when Logan makes mockery nonsense at him]

Scissors, you can't come with me, but you'll be okay. I'm going to refer you to my colleague, Dr. Carnahan. I think you'll really like him.

Dr. Carnahan

[stepping out] Scissors?

Scissors

[thinking it's Logan in disguise; disbelieved] You gotta be kidding me.

Dr. Carnahan

So, Scissors, I understand you're dealing with a bully.

Scissors

Yes. Actively.

Dr. Carnahan

And how would you describe him? A malicious person or just not a very nice… bro?

Scissors

Is this a prank? Are there cameras here?!

Dr. Carnahan

How 'bout this? Let's pretend I'm your bully. [speaking in a British accent] 'Ello, Scissors. Ready for some verbal lashing?

Scissors

Why are you doing an accent?

Dr. Carnahan

I'm just guessing. I don't know this man.

Scissors

Okay, I am not doing this. [starts to walk out the door, about to leave]

Dr. Carnahan

Listen. Can I give you some advice? Oftentimes, bullying is a cry for help, so you have to figure out what your bully needs help with. Get him to open up. And you can do that by being vulnerable first.

Scissors

All right. If you think it'll work.

Logan

Hey, look. It's Mr. Glitter Pants!

Brogan

[laughs] It's even funnier the second time!

Scissors

You know, Logan, it hurts when you make fun of figure skating because it means a lot to me. When I first started, I couldn't even stand on the skates. But now, when I glide and spin on the ice, it reminds me just how much I can accomplish and the power I have inside. And every so often, time slows down, and I feel like I'm exactly who I want to be.

Logan

Scissors, I had no idea how important figure skating was to you. So I turned your ice rink into a pool for unshowered hairy guys.

Scissors

[talking to Dr. Carnahan, still believing it's Logan] What's your deal, man?! You're all supportive in here, but then I go out there, and this guy is nowhere to be found!

Dr. Carnahan

Well, it would be unprofessional if I saw you outside the office. [Scissors screams in irritation] I think you should open up to your bully again. Breaking down someone's walls takes time, and you may have planted a seed.

Scissors

[having enough] No! I am done with your traps! I'll find some other way to handle this. [thrives over to the door, starting to leave]

Dr. Carnahan

Wait. This bullying got worse when you started figure skating, right? Well, if I were to venture a guess, I think your bully's upset because your involvement in figure skating makes him… jealous. [voice-over during a flashback of a teenager Logan in his high school years] Perhaps he wanted to be a figure skater, too, but the other kids bullied him for doing an activity boys didn't really do at the time. And maybe he went to a bro-y school where the cool thing to do was wear backwards hats and lift weights. So in order to survive, he gave up what he loved most. [end of flashback] So I wonder if… and again, just guessing… your bully is taking out his childhood frustration on you for pursuing the dream he never could.

Scissors

[approaching the Rat Bros at the park] Hey, Logan, this is for ruining my skate rink! [runs away, stealing the cleaning wipes for their equipment]

Brogan

He took the wipes we use to clean the equipment!

Brody

We can't lift without those! IT'S UNSANITARY!

Logan

GET HIM! [he and his brothers chase after Scissors all the way downtown to the ice skating arena, and find him standing on the ice rink as the lights come on; surprised] There's another ice rink?

Scissors

There wasn't, but it turns out, unshowered hairy guys are great builders. I have an extra pair of skates. [takes out another pair of ice skates, begging Logan to come forth] You can be exactly who you want to be.