[Paper and Scissors both got Stephernie from taking a character quiz from their favorite sitcom: "The Gang's All Here" and Rock ends up getting Creepo the Stinkboy]
CCreepo
I hang out in abandoned petting zoos. My favorite part of the popsicle is the stick. I hiss at passing cars. [hisses at a car that just passed him] I have a lot of chest hair in this jar! [holds up a jar of his chest hair]
DDave
Creepo, why can't you be more like me? Dave.
[enters the trio's apartment] I heard you guys got Stephernie. I got Stephernie!
BrodyI got Fire Hydrant.
How? How do you see that?
Hey, some Stephernies and I are having a party to watch the 1,000th episode. Now that we're all Stephernies, I'm willing to put aside our differences if you want to come. [he, Paper, and Scissors all hold hands and squeal in joy]
[The trio hear the Rat Bros laughing and cheering from above the fourth floor while Rock is playing a Sims parody video game]
[annoyed] Ugh. Are the Rat Bros having another party?
Let's go up there and tell them to start being respectable members of society.
Okay, but just don't get on your high horse again.
[They are then standing outside the Rat Bros' apartment while Paper rides on his high horse, and Scissors knocks on the door]
[answers the door] 'Sup, bros? Oh, are we tutoring too loud?
Yeah. We tutor underprivileged kids all the time. [shows them his brothers tutoring four children] Ruby, tell 'em the thesis of your report.
RRuby
In a juxtaposition of the sublime and the banal, the artist's oeuvre deftly encapsulates the ephemeral nature of human experience.
[Derf blares a party air horn; the trio are speechless at what they just saw and are back in their apartment]
The Rat Bros aren't supposed to be better than us! They're supposed to be one-dimensional bad guys!
Yeah! I refuse to live in a world where the Rat Bros are morally superior. Because then we can't judge them! And that's how I feel good about myself!
Paper, get off the horse.
I can't, I need a step stool!
[Meanwhile, in the Rat Bros' apartment…]
[laughing hysterically along with his brothers] Did you see how upset they were?
Our altruistic plan is totally working!
[chest bumping] Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro!
Brody
[suddenly confused] But wait… are we jerks? Tutoring these kids is really nice. Bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro.
Brody, don't be ridiculous. We're only doing good things to make Rock, Paper, and Scissors feel bad about themselves, which is a jerk thing to do. And remember, the two rules of being a Rat Bro: If a bro asks you to spot 'em, you gotta spot 'em. And what's number two, kids?
KKids
Rat Bros are jerks because jerks are cool.
And you wanna be cool, right, Brody?
Brody
Of course. That's my one and only thought.
[Zoom in inside Brody's brain]
BSBrody's Neurons
Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
BSBrody's Neuron #1
Shower?
BSBrody's Neurons
NO! Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
[reading an article about the trio being the best guys in town and receiving all the praise; outraged] Ugh! This makes me so mad! Why do we still pay for the newspaper?! [throws the newspaper on the ground and marches over to the weight bench] Brogan, spot me. I'm doing an angry set! We cannot let Rock, Paper, and Scissors feel good about themselves. We have to beat them!
Brody
Wait, Logan. Are you saying…
Yes, Brody. It's time for an altruistic-off!
RRuby
Altruistic-off: A competition in which people or groups try to win by doing the most good for society.
Uh, Ruby, you can go home. Okay. Derf, go save the whales. Brogan and I will eliminate political corruption. And Brody? Get a PhD in robotic engineering to give people without limbs the best in robotic prostheses.
But, Logan, I already have a PhD in robotic engineering.
Too late. I already gave out the assignments.
[Another article shows the Rat Bros being #1 good guys and receiving more praise]
[reading the article; also outraged] This is terrible! Newspapers are so important, and no one cares anymore! [throws the newspaper on the ground]
What's the point of cleaning all this garbage off the street if we're losing?! [pushes the huge garbage bag out the window, and it falls onto the street, splashing some people in garbage]
We have to beat the Rat Bros, otherwise, I won't be able to judge them on my high horse! And how am I supposed to feel good about myself then, by winning horse races? [the horse looks at him and shakes its head no] See? He's not into it!
Feast your eyes, Rat Bros! I have created a device that will solve the global housing crisis by spitting out a fully-built house in just five seconds!
We're gonna officially unveil it tomorrow at the Nobel Prize ceremony and beat you once and for all!
Build houses! That's what we should do!
See? He got there. [he and his friends walk off with their invention]
[frustrated] D'oh! I can't believe they're gonna beat us! They are such… good guys.
Brody
Actually, I think we'll still win.
Brody
I saw a flaw in the device's engine. If they try to use that thing, it'll explode.
Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro!
Brody
[feeling down, quietly] Nice, bro.
[noticing Brody's behavior after Logan and Brogan walk away; concerned] Hey, are you okay?
Brody
Yeah, I'm cool. [laughs awkwardly] Cool. I'm cool! Ha-ha. Cool guy. Super cool Brody. Listen, can I tell you something? You remember how I got my PhD from Princeton, right?
Yeah, in two days. Very impressive.
Brody
Well, I got a job at a hospital working in robotic prosthetics. [Flashback to him in his hospital shift as he puts some prostheses on a limbless patient named Mr. Drake] All right, Mr. Drake. Test them out.
DMr. Drake
[grips his prostheses, controlling them; surprised] Oh, my gosh. I-I can wave! I can point! I can… [uses them to scratch an itch on his behind] Oooh, I've been waiting to scratch that for 25 years!
Brody
[voice-over] But then, something weird happened.
DMr. Drake
Could I… hug you? It would be the first hug I've ever given.
Brody
[unsure] Um… I don't really--
DMr. Drake
[hugging him; sobbing happily] Thank you, Brody. You changed my life!
Brody
[hugs him in return with his eyes tearing up; voice-over] It felt amazing! And for the first time, I had a new thought.
[Zoom in inside his brain]
BSBrody's Neurons
Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
BSBrody's Neuron #1
Be good.
BSBrody's Neurons
Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good.
BSBrody's Neuron #2
We really should shower, though.
[Back to the present]
Brody
I think… I think I might be a good guy.
[gasps in dramatic shock] No. Brody, no. A-are you sure?
Brody
This morning, I wrote a big check to a food bank!
But you know the rules… jerks are cool. Good guys are… I don't even know!
Brody
Derf, I get it. But I'm thinking about that machine and… it just feels wrong to do nothing! Those homes would help so many people.
Look, I know it's tough, but sometimes you gotta make hard choices in life. Do you want to foster the well-being of millions… or be cool? [starts to walk away]
Brody
Hey, Derf… when you were saving the whales, were you thinking about beating Rock, Paper, and Scissors, or about how good it felt to save those whales?
[thinking for a second] Get some rest, bro. [resumes walking away]
[Before the trio are preparing to present their house-building invention at the Nobel Prize ceremony, Brody attempts to sneak into backstage and fix it, but gets confronted by Logan, who is already there after finding out about the conversation between him and Derf]
Brody
Logan!
[darkly] I knew I'd find you here. Your "nice, bro" chest bump yesterday was lackluster at best. I gotta say, I feel betrayed… like Edmond Dantès in The Count of Monte Cristo.
Brody
That's a very literate reference.
Ah, we covered a lot in tutoring.
Brody
I'm sorry, but I can't let that device explode.
Brody
[having to have heard that; shocked] What? Here?!
I wanna do a set. [Brody reluctantly obeys as he sets down the pliers] Why are you doing this, Brody?!
Brody
The heart has its reasons, which reason knows nothing of.
Brody
We covered a lot in tutoring.
[to Brody; irked] You said it wouldn't work! Ugh, whatever. We'll find another way to get Rock, Paper, and Scissors. [storms off]
Brody
[turns to the invention; perplexed] But how did it not explode?
[off-screen] I guess we'll never know.
Brody
[turns to him holding the pliers, revealing he's the one who fixed it; surprised] Derf?!
[hands Brody back the pliers] Maybe being a good guy is cool too. [walks off into the sunset as Brody smiles warmly, realizing that his conversation changed his mind]
[with his foot stuck in the stirrup of the horse's saddle] HELP! I'm stuck in the stirrup!
[talking to Dr. Carnahan, still believing it's Logan] What's your deal, man?! You're all supportive in here, but then I go out there, and this guy is nowhere to be found!
Well, it would be unprofessional if I saw you outside the office. [Scissors screams in irritation] I think you should open up to your bully again. Breaking down someone's walls takes time, and you may have planted a seed.
[having enough] No! I am done with your traps! I'll find some other way to handle this. [thrives over to the door, starting to leave]
Wait. This bullying got worse when you started figure skating, right? Well, if I were to venture a guess, I think your bully's upset because your involvement in figure skating makes him… jealous. [voice-over during a flashback of a teenager Logan in his high school years] Perhaps he wanted to be a figure skater, too, but the other kids bullied him for doing an activity boys didn't really do at the time. And maybe he went to a bro-y school where the cool thing to do was wear backwards hats and lift weights. So in order to survive, he gave up what he loved most. [end of flashback] So I wonder if… and again, just guessing… your bully is taking out his childhood frustration on you for pursuing the dream he never could.
[approaching the Rat Bros at the park] Hey, Logan, this is for ruining my skate rink! [runs away, stealing the cleaning wipes for their equipment]
He took the wipes we use to clean the equipment!
Brody
We can't lift without those! IT'S UNSANITARY!
GET HIM! [he and his brothers chase after Scissors all the way downtown to the ice skating arena, and find him standing on the ice rink as the lights come on; surprised] There's another ice rink?
There wasn't, but it turns out, unshowered hairy guys are great builders. I have an extra pair of skates. [takes out another pair of ice skates, begging Logan to come forth] You can be exactly who you want to be.
Rock Paper Scissors · 174 quotes
