Sandpaper quotes from Rock Paper Scissors

That was one time and it hasn't happened si- [pukes on the ground again] Oh, why?

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[Paper and Scissors show up at the Rat Bros' apartment for a private Stephernie party while carrying pizza]

Logan

[answers the door] Come in! I see you brought pizza, as a Stephernie would. Please, put it on the table and join the party.

Wow, check out all these other Stephernies. Baron Von Snootsberg, Robot Executive.

Sandpaper, you're a Stephernie, too?

Sandpaper

Of course, we're both career women, and we both have a secret love of ribbon dancing. [gasps] Oh, no. Secret's out.

[noticing something] Wait a minute! Someone brought pepperoni pizza, when everyone knows Stephernie's favorite topping is an entire Thanksgiving dinner! Someone here is not a Stephernie! [the others gasp in shock] No one's going anywhere, even if it takes all week, we will find the imposter, and when we do, there will be a severe punishment.

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I will find this imposter by testing all of you on details only a true Stephernie would know. [to Sandpaper] What's Stephernie's last name?!

Sandpaper

Stephernie.

Good. [to Baron Von Snootsberg] Walk like Stephernie! [Baron Von Snootsberg makes monkey moves around the room and hooting like monkey] Good. [to Female Robot Executive] In season 16, episode 2, what does Stephernie say when she arrives at her younger sister's lake house?

FRFemale Robot Executive

Oh, I don't know. You guys are going to kill me. I'm the fraud at the party!

[Paper sighs in relief]

That's exactly what she said.

[nervously] Uh, I have to go to the bathroom… [everyone looks at him, suspicious] in a Stephernie way. [walks to the Rat Bros' bathroom like a monkey]

FRFemale Robot Executive

Yes, that checks out.

Yeah, very Stephernie.

[on the phone with Paper] You snuck into a Stephernie party?! That is shameful behavior.

[hiding in the bathroom; on the phone with Rock, pacing back and forth] You just said you're breaking into a TV studio!

For my identity, Paper! My identity is at stake!

Look, I've never seen an episode. You gotta tell me everything you know about Stephernie.

Well, she's a pretty simple character. She has a degree in biochemistry, sleeps upside down, and fought in six wars.

What is this show?

[standing up against the bathroom door, having to have heard everything] Not a Stephernie, huh?

[pleading for mercy] I'm sorry! I just wanted to be a part of something! Don't punish me!

[kneels down] Who even are you? Brobby, the Wizard, Cheesy the Iguana?

Seriously, what is this show?

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[Paper arrives at his family home where his family is in the living room, watching home movies]

NNewspaper

You're just in time for home movies.

TPToilet Paper

There I am, recording my first special.

Sandpaper

There I am, practicing my kicks.

NNewspaper

And there's Paper. Is he gonna mix those chemicals?

TPToilet Paper

[laughs] You always had the highest hospital bills.

PPParchment Paper

[enters with a cake] Okay, time to eat. I hope everyone like Forever Cake.

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PPParchment Paper

Paper? What's going on? And why are your friends here?

We kidnapped Paper too?

Because we have beef and… Uh… Come back to me.

What's going on is I don't want to go back to that table! You don't know how humiliating it is to hear about all the incredible things you do every year because I never do any myself. [to Sandpaper] You're working on big action movies, [to his mother] you're breaking national news, and I'm just Plain Paper. That's why I staged this kidnapping. Rock, Scissors, and I were fighting Dr. Big Bat over a giant strawberry we grew for the county fair, and we thought he'd make a good kidnapper. But then you got through all the bats, so I had to call a bunch of people I met over the past year. Like the ghosts we befriended when we tried to get the perfect holiday picture, the tortoises I accidentally made huge from toxic ooze and taught martial arts in the sewer, and the Hipponoids from the time I stopped their invasion and saved Earth.

NNewspaper

Hold on. You did all that in the last year?

[sadly] Yeah, I go on a lot of silly adventures.

Sandpaper

Paper, that's not silly at all.

It's not?

PPParchment Paper

Are you kidding? Who goes on adventures like that?

TPToilet Paper

Yeah, that's… That's incredible!

Ah, that's why I should've said.

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AVAlgebra Villain

The fate of your train rests on Paper's ability to solve this algebra problem. [pulls the blanket off a marker board, showing an algebra question] "A train leaves the station 5:00 AM at 60 miles per hour. Another train leaves the station at 6:00 AM at 80 miles per hour traveling the same direction. At what time will they meet?"

[takes the marker out of her hand] Trick question. They've already met.

AVAlegbra Villain

It's not a riddle.

Dang it. [walks up to his sister; whispers] Okay, you know what to do here.

Sandpaper

I do. [cracks her knuckles] Teach you algebra.

What?! No! Just take out the villain with your action skills.

Sandpaper

Sorry, Paper. I'm with her. This is literally a teachable moment.

PPassenger

[impatient] Come on, man. Just solve the problem!

P2Passenger #2

[also impatient] Yeah, this is kindergarten math!

You're on her side, too?! Ugh! This could not be more ridiculous.

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Sandpaper

Exercise is important. It's good for your heart, it's good for your brain. You guys are so sedentary, you're practically koalas.

KKoala

Hey! That's a hurtful stereotype and… [quickly goes to sleep]

Also, we just did a workout last week.

Sandpaper

[sarcastically] Yeah? How'd that go?

[Flashback to last week at the pool]

IInstructor

All right, ladies, let's get those hands up and flap those pool noodles!

This is hard. Let's go eat cake.

[Back to the present]

Sandpaper

You three need to stop making excuses. This is just like when Paper used to write fake notes from Mom to get out of gym class. [Paper gives her a note; reading] "Please excuse Paper from Sandpaper's workout. He has a broken…" [stops reading] Really? You're still doing this? [unplugs their video game system, shutting off the TV]

Hey!

Hey!

[yells frantically as his friends look at him; calmly] Sorry.

Sandpaper, give that back!

Sandpaper

I'll give it back when you complete one of my workouts. And I promise, when you see the results, you won't care about video games anymore. [takes away three Jane Austen novels as well] And no Jane Austen novels either.

What?!

Awww!

Come on!

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[as he and his friends find themselves in a jungle] Where are we?

Sandpaper

[on laptop] Welcome to the jungle! You've been dropped in the middle of Africa. And to finish this workout, you must get to a helicopter 50 miles north of here. That's where I'll be to fly you home.

[A map shows the trio's location spot where it's 50 miles north from the helicopter]

She does this for everyone?

Sandpaper

But between here and the chopper, you'll have to get through a series of rigorous, led-based exercises. So let's jump into the first one: pin this warthog!