[to Brody; irked] You said it wouldn't work! Ugh, whatever. We'll find another way to get Rock, Paper, and Scissors. [storms off]
[turns to the invention; perplexed] But how did it not explode?
[off-screen] I guess we'll never know.
[turns to him holding the pliers, revealing he's the one who fixed it; surprised] Derf?!
[hands Brody back the pliers] Maybe being a good guy is cool too. [walks off into the sunset as Brody smiles warmly, realizing that his conversation changed his mind]
Paper[with his foot stuck in the stirrup of the horse's saddle] HELP! I'm stuck in the stirrup!
Paper
Scissors, I don't know if you know this, but we're big Lolly fans.
Yeah, we're in the Lolly Army. [he and Paper put on Lolly ponytails]
Paper
How did you get a date with her?
I just asked. See, most men are afraid of rejection, but not me. I'm used to rejection.
[returns to the apartment; bummed] Of all the bad days in my life, that probably broke the top 50. [sees his friends dancing to Lolly's album]
Paper
By the way, I'd also recommend not going online.
We wrote some really nasty stuff.
[turns off the music] Guys, this is serious! I can't even leave the house! I gotta get everyone to stop hating me.
I don't know how you could do that.
Paper
Yeah, Lolly's the victim here.
[as an idea pops into his head] That's it! That's how you win over the public sympathy! I just need to out-victim Lolly.
LLolly
This is way out of hand! Sure, Scissors messed up, but he doesn't deserve this. And frankly, you guys are so intense sometimes it scares me. I mean, is that a mythological war hammer?! [Paper is holding an electrical war hammer and he and Rock sadly hang their heads down] So please, take it down a notch. And you don't need to do things like this for me. I'm not a god. [stops the meteor from hitting the Earth; voice booming] NO!
MMeteor
Whatever you say, Lolly! Love the new album! [flies away into space]
[Everyone leaves, saying sorry]
Paper
Sorry, Lolly.
LLolly
I heard your apology. I'm glad you learned your lesson. And I'll admit, I probably shouldn't have written 16-full length songs about why you were terrible.
Sixteen? I thought you only wrote ten.
LLolly
No, I only released ten. I might release the other six as bonus tracks. [Everyone comes back, screaming excitedly] But I might not!
EEveryone
[disappointed] Aww! [walk away]
LLolly
Hey, all this aside, I did still have fun with you. So maybe we could go on a second date. What do you think?
[thinking for a moment] Hard pass.
Do you have any idea how awful you made my life? I was the most hated man on Earth. The nation of Japan publicly denounced me. And I was almost torn apart by 2,000 psychopaths in bows. So, yes, I did learn a lesson, but it was to never, ever date pop stars. Hard pass. [walks away]
LLolly
That wasn't very nice. I should write an album about that.
[Paper takes away Rock and Scissors' phones for confiscation, forcing them to spend quality with him in putting together a puzzle]
Paper
You know, I just want us all to connect, but you're always on your phones.
Name one comedic example.
[While the trio are fighting against Dr. Big Bat over a big strawberry, Paper gets a reminder on his phone for his annual family get-together]
Paper
Oh, no.
RSRock & Scissors
Oh, no.
BBDr. Big Bat
What? What is it?
Paper
I totally forgot. Today's my annual family get-together.
BBDr. Big Bat
Oh, well, we can reschedule, if you need to go.
Paper
No, it's not that. It's… [sighs deeply] I come from a family of very high achievers. There's my sister, Sandpaper, an action movie star. My brother, Toilet Paper, a popular stand-up comedian. My mom, Newspaper, an award-winning journalist. My dad, Parchment Paper, a famous pastry chef. And then there's me… the dud.
BBDr. Big Bat
Wait, why is your name the only one that's not a specific type of paper?
Paper
I actually go by my middle name. My full name's Plain Paper.
What?! [laughs] That's the funniest thing I've ever heard! I'm gonna get as much mileage out of that as possible!
Paper
Every time we get together, my family goes around the table and says what they accomplished in the last year. Everyone says something incredible until it gets to me. I share something stupid… then my family says, "Wow, Paper. That's really something." And then they give me a cookie. I've always wanted to do something incredible, but nothing I do is. And don't want to be humiliated again.
PPParchment Paper
Paper? What's going on? And why are your friends here?
Because we have beef and… Uh… Come back to me.
Paper
What's going on is I don't want to go back to that table! You don't know how humiliating it is to hear about all the incredible things you do every year because I never do any myself. [to Sandpaper] You're working on big action movies, [to his mother] you're breaking national news, and I'm just Plain Paper. That's why I staged this kidnapping. Rock, Scissors, and I were fighting Dr. Big Bat over a giant strawberry we grew for the county fair, and we thought he'd make a good kidnapper. But then you got through all the bats, so I had to call a bunch of people I met over the past year. Like the ghosts we befriended when we tried to get the perfect holiday picture, the tortoises I accidentally made huge from toxic ooze and taught martial arts in the sewer, and the Hipponoids from the time I stopped their invasion and saved Earth.
NNewspaper
Hold on. You did all that in the last year?
Paper
[sadly] Yeah, I go on a lot of silly adventures.
Paper, that's not silly at all.
Paper
It's not?
PPParchment Paper
Are you kidding? Who goes on adventures like that?
TPToilet Paper
Yeah, that's… That's incredible!
Ah, that's why I should've said.
[Rock is sitting on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket and an ice pack on his head, feeling really sick]
Paper
[disgusted] Ugh, Rock, are you-- [Rock starts coughing] Are you-- [Rock coughs more and harder] Rock, are you okay?!
Hey, I don't come to your work and call you gross. You know, 'cause you don't have a job.
[sniffs sadly; voice breaking] Rock did say it was nasty.
I probably got it from working too much. Between Franz and the robot car wash…
Paper
You still work at the car wash?
I also worked at a climbing gym, but I just got fired.
HRHiring Robot
You call yourselves car washers? You can't even dance!
Paper
Are those things related?
FRFemale Robot Executive
Of course, car washes are all about dancing, and you two better get your act together because Car Wash Nationals are this Sunday.
HRHiring Robot
Yes, a competition where car washes are judged on dancing and washing that dates back to the 1920s.
[Quick scene shows the Car Wash Nationals from the 1920s]
FRFemale Robot Executive
It's the biggest sporting event in the country, and everyone's training for it.
[All car wash employees are training for the competition]
Paper
This is ridiculous! That place has four people who are just back-up dancers and never touch the cars!
HRHiring Robot
We've won the last two titles, and if we win this year, we'll be the first car wash to ever win the three-peat.
FRFemale Robot Executive
This is our chance to make the history books. [sternly] So don't ruin it for us.
Oh, man. She is blatantly hitting on me.
[Cut to the trio's apartment]
Paper
Rock!
You didn't tell us we were entering a dance competition!
I said it was an important time for the car wash. That wasn't clear?
But you said you'd cover for me.
Yeah, but we can't do this. We've practiced all day. We're not championship-level dancers!
You're telling me. I bet you don't even know the difference between a basket toss and a full-down.
Paper
Can he cover for you?
How can we have fun with it?! The stakes are enormous, and it's in front of MILLIONS OF PEOPLE!
I feel like they're not having fun with it.
Paper
[in unison] SHUT IT, BUG! This is your fault! Get your smug attitude outta here!
[in unison] THAT'S ENOUGH! I am so sick of you! I will basket toss you outta here!
Guys, guys, relax. You're putting too much pressure on yourselves. All you have to do is learn the routine and end with the reverse triple corkscrew window wash.
Oh, man, this is the best team we could assemble? Lou, Potato, Female Birthday Cop, Creepo the Stinkboy, Sal Garbanzo, and a polar bear.
Paper
No one even knows the routine! Also, Lou told me he just had a big meal.
Oh, great. Now we're gonna humiliate ourselves in front of the whole world. Robo Car Wash won't make the history books, and we're gonna let down Rock.
[turns on the lights after he and his friends make hand shadows] Gotta admit, we're a pretty incredible trio.
Paper
Oh, I meant to ask… I was looking up other fun stuff for us to try. Wanna go cherry picking?
[dumbfounded] Cherry picking?! I'd rather sleep next to a grizzly bear with violent night terrors.
Paper
Oh. Well, then--
I'd rather wear underwear made of porcupine needles. I'd rather attend a 9-hour recital of beginner violinists. I would rather run a 10K in a hailstorm, naked on hot coals, and then clean the elephant pen at the zoo with my bare hands!
RReporter
One cherry picking trip later…
[sitting in the sofa on his phone as his friends return] So, how was cherry picking? The pits? [snickers]
Paper
And we really bonded!
[entering the trio's apartment with Paper] Guys! Paper and I made a cloning device!
Paper
I did nothing and she knows it, but isn't she amazing?!
Scissors, can we test it on your goldfish?
[sitting on the sofa, sadly sulking] As long as you don't hurt her. Sometimes that little fish feels like the only thing that cares about me, that listens, that lets me finish my--
Paper
Great!
[walking up to him] What's wrong, buddy? Feeling sad that you're unemployed? Or out of shape? Or--
Rock, stop guessing. [sighs sadly] I just got dumped… again. She said she didn't want to see me anymore for, quote, "too many reasons to list."
Hey, don't feel bad just 'cause a few women turned you down.
Just 'cause a few hundred women turned you down. You're one of the most lovable people I know, and my life is better because you're in it.
[cheered up] Thanks, Rock. You're very good to me.
AVAlgebra Villain
The fate of your train rests on Paper's ability to solve this algebra problem. [pulls the blanket off a marker board, showing an algebra question] "A train leaves the station 5:00 AM at 60 miles per hour. Another train leaves the station at 6:00 AM at 80 miles per hour traveling the same direction. At what time will they meet?"
Paper
[takes the marker out of her hand] Trick question. They've already met.
AVAlegbra Villain
It's not a riddle.
Paper
Dang it. [walks up to his sister; whispers] Okay, you know what to do here.
I do. [cracks her knuckles] Teach you algebra.
Paper
What?! No! Just take out the villain with your action skills.
Sorry, Paper. I'm with her. This is literally a teachable moment.
PPassenger
[impatient] Come on, man. Just solve the problem!
P2Passenger #2
[also impatient] Yeah, this is kindergarten math!
Paper
You're on her side, too?! Ugh! This could not be more ridiculous.
Paper, you just don't get it.
Paper
Oh, come on! You guys aren't doing anything hardcore.
Sure we are. I'm crocheting a scarf.
And I'm learning pointillism.
Paper
Fine. I can do those things too.
Paper, copying is not hardcore.
Rock Paper Scissors · 174 quotes
