Paper[stretching himself] Alright, Paper, you haven't exercised in three years. Time to run a marathon! [exits the apartment building, and is surprised to see the whole town celebrating and watching a parade led by Rock]
Happy International Rock Day!
Paper
International Rock Day? That's not a real holiday.
Sure, it is. Every July 13th, we throw rock beads… We hit rock piñatas… And we just generally rock out, especially Scissors.
[leading a marching band] Whoo-hoo! I love this parade energy! Let's keep the party going!
Paper
(Hello?) Is this the Committee of National Holidays?
[turning around in his chair, revealing himself] You bet it is!
Paper
[suprised] Rock?! You're on the committee?!
Yeah, I'm the head of it, along with the representatives of National Pencil Day, National Potato Day, National Bubble-blowing Day, and of course, National Raspberry Cake Day.
RCRaspberry Cake
I'm cake.
Paper
[disbelieved] Good Lord. Anyway, I'd like a day, please.
[The representatives all laugh]
Paper, we don't just give out days.
Yeah, each one of us has presented a case for why we deserve one.
I don't even know how I got here.
Yes, you do, Potato. You gave a speech that brought us to tears.
[Rock and Paper enter the apartment, carrying a bunch of groceries]
Paper
Scissors, can you help us bring in the groceries?
[sitting on the couch, holding a sandwich] I would, but my hands are full.
[now holding a lamp] Now I have another thing.
Paper
Scissors!
[Scissors whistles while holding a sandwich, a lamp, and three bowling balls]
Scissors, come on! Can you just help us one time?
Paper
Chad was right not to work with us. Our business was a huge failure.
[sobbing] AND MINE WAS A HUGE SUCCESS!
Yeah, we heard about that. [outside the apartment building, a giant diaper rolls down the street, passing by] It's okay, Scissors. I'm sure everyone will forget about this once a better diaper comes along.
How could you make a better diaper? It would have to have Bluetooth, compatibility, be reversible, and get out the toughest stains, with half the calories! [Rock and Paper both gasp and take out their invention, believing he's signifying it] It would need to keep your hot drinks hot and your cold drinks cold, and I wouldn't want my face on it, and it'd had to have, I'll just randomly say, Paper's face… [Rock and Paper both sulk] Or Rock's.
Paper
Why? Because you think I can't handle 3rd grade?
No, because I do not care about this.
Paper
Oh, yeah, you think I'm too stupid that I can't get one "A"?
Listen. I know I usually antagonize you in situations like this, but I'm really not invested here. Rock and I are apartment-sitting for Pencil this week, and we're gonna play with all her cool gadgets, which seems like way more fun than this… frankly sad 3rd grade development. So, do whatever you want, but again, I could not care less.
Paper
Well, I'll show you, Scissors! I will get an "A", an "A-plus", with a good job sticker on top!
[holding up one of Pencil's gadgets] Scissors, look! Pencil has a shapeshifter! [activates it, turning him and Scissors into snowmen]
RSRock & Scissors
Whoa! [they then turn into Minecraft style] Whoa!
Paper
Well, I bet you're loving this, Scissors! Old doofus Paper failing 3rd grade!
[Rock and Scissors have turned into an apple and a banana]
Paper
And now I have a group project due at the end of the week on genetic engineering and no one will want to work with me 'cause I'm the least intelligent kid in the class!
[Rock and Scissors have then turned into frogs]
Paper, we've turned ourselves into frogs. We're looking for flies.
Paper
Could we just acknowledge this?! This is insane! I mean, Rock, do you know quantum mechanics?
Of course! I learned it in the 3rd grade.
[The trio's apartment is being decorated for the holidays and Paper and Pencil are decorating the Christmas tree together]
Paper
[sighs dreamily] I love the holidays. It really is the best time of year.
Yeah. You get to relax, have some quiet time, and…
[barging in with Scissors painfully clutching his stomach] SCISSORS ATE A PINECONE!
No, I said, "Don't do that!"
I'm with Paper. This really is the best time of year.
Paper
It is. And I'm glad everything worked out.
Although I do feel bad the robot didn't remove the pinecone.
[Zoom out, revealing Scissors lying flat on the floor with a pine tree growing out of his butt, which Paper and Pencil were decorating]
[disappointed] Not as bad as I do.
[Scissors is watching an inspirational sports movie when Rock and Paper enter the apartment, carrying groceries]
Paper
Oh, shoot! He's watching an inspirational sports movie!
Every time he sees one of those, he thinks he can do that stuff!
Paper
Turn it off! TURN IT OFF!
[searching everywhere for the remote] I can't! Where's the remote?!
CCrowd
[chanting on TV] Scrudy! Scrudy!
Paper
I DON'T KNOW! JUST RIP THE CORD OUT OF THE WALL!
Which one?! THERE ARE SO MANY CORDS!
[The trio hear the Rat Bros laughing and cheering from above the fourth floor while Rock is playing a Sims parody video game]
[annoyed] Ugh. Are the Rat Bros having another party?
Paper
Let's go up there and tell them to start being respectable members of society.
Okay, but just don't get on your high horse again.
[They are then standing outside the Rat Bros' apartment while Paper rides on his high horse, and Scissors knocks on the door]
[answers the door] 'Sup, bros? Oh, are we tutoring too loud?
Paper
Tutoring?
Yeah. We tutor underprivileged kids all the time. [shows them his brothers tutoring four children] Ruby, tell 'em the thesis of your report.
RRuby
In a juxtaposition of the sublime and the banal, the artist's oeuvre deftly encapsulates the ephemeral nature of human experience.
[Derf blares a party air horn; the trio are speechless at what they just saw and are back in their apartment]
The Rat Bros aren't supposed to be better than us! They're supposed to be one-dimensional bad guys!
Paper
Yeah! I refuse to live in a world where the Rat Bros are morally superior. Because then we can't judge them! And that's how I feel good about myself!
Paper, get off the horse.
Paper
I can't, I need a step stool!
[Meanwhile, in the Rat Bros' apartment…]
[laughing hysterically along with his brothers] Did you see how upset they were?
Our altruistic plan is totally working!
[chest bumping] Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro!
[suddenly confused] But wait… are we jerks? Tutoring these kids is really nice. Bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro.
Brody, don't be ridiculous. We're only doing good things to make Rock, Paper, and Scissors feel bad about themselves, which is a jerk thing to do. And remember, the two rules of being a Rat Bro: If a bro asks you to spot 'em, you gotta spot 'em. And what's number two, kids?
KKids
Rat Bros are jerks because jerks are cool.
And you wanna be cool, right, Brody?
Of course. That's my one and only thought.
[Zoom in inside Brody's brain]
BSBrody's Neurons
Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
BSBrody's Neuron #1
Shower?
BSBrody's Neurons
NO! Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
[reading an article about the trio being the best guys in town and receiving all the praise; outraged] Ugh! This makes me so mad! Why do we still pay for the newspaper?! [throws the newspaper on the ground and marches over to the weight bench] Brogan, spot me. I'm doing an angry set! We cannot let Rock, Paper, and Scissors feel good about themselves. We have to beat them!
Wait, Logan. Are you saying…
Yes, Brody. It's time for an altruistic-off!
RRuby
Altruistic-off: A competition in which people or groups try to win by doing the most good for society.
Uh, Ruby, you can go home. Okay. Derf, go save the whales. Brogan and I will eliminate political corruption. And Brody? Get a PhD in robotic engineering to give people without limbs the best in robotic prostheses.
But, Logan, I already have a PhD in robotic engineering.
Too late. I already gave out the assignments.
[Another article shows the Rat Bros being #1 good guys and receiving more praise]
[reading the article; also outraged] This is terrible! Newspapers are so important, and no one cares anymore! [throws the newspaper on the ground]
What's the point of cleaning all this garbage off the street if we're losing?! [pushes the huge garbage bag out the window, and it falls onto the street, splashing some people in garbage]
Paper
We have to beat the Rat Bros, otherwise, I won't be able to judge them on my high horse! And how am I supposed to feel good about myself then, by winning horse races? [the horse looks at him and shakes its head no] See? He's not into it!
Paper
Feast your eyes, Rat Bros! I have created a device that will solve the global housing crisis by spitting out a fully-built house in just five seconds!
We're gonna officially unveil it tomorrow at the Nobel Prize ceremony and beat you once and for all!
Build houses! That's what we should do!
Paper
See? He got there. [he and his friends walk off with their invention]
[frustrated] D'oh! I can't believe they're gonna beat us! They are such… good guys.
Actually, I think we'll still win.
I saw a flaw in the device's engine. If they try to use that thing, it'll explode.
Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro!
[feeling down, quietly] Nice, bro.
[noticing Brody's behavior after Logan and Brogan walk away; concerned] Hey, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm cool. [laughs awkwardly] Cool. I'm cool! Ha-ha. Cool guy. Super cool Brody. Listen, can I tell you something? You remember how I got my PhD from Princeton, right?
Yeah, in two days. Very impressive.
Well, I got a job at a hospital working in robotic prosthetics. [Flashback to him in his hospital shift as he puts some prostheses on a limbless patient named Mr. Drake] All right, Mr. Drake. Test them out.
DMr. Drake
[grips his prostheses, controlling them; surprised] Oh, my gosh. I-I can wave! I can point! I can… [uses them to scratch an itch on his behind] Oooh, I've been waiting to scratch that for 25 years!
[voice-over] But then, something weird happened.
DMr. Drake
Could I… hug you? It would be the first hug I've ever given.
[unsure] Um… I don't really--
DMr. Drake
[hugging him; sobbing happily] Thank you, Brody. You changed my life!
[hugs him in return with his eyes tearing up; voice-over] It felt amazing! And for the first time, I had a new thought.
[Zoom in inside his brain]
BSBrody's Neurons
Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
BSBrody's Neuron #1
Be good.
BSBrody's Neurons
Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good.
BSBrody's Neuron #2
We really should shower, though.
[Back to the present]
I think… I think I might be a good guy.
[gasps in dramatic shock] No. Brody, no. A-are you sure?
This morning, I wrote a big check to a food bank!
But you know the rules… jerks are cool. Good guys are… I don't even know!
Derf, I get it. But I'm thinking about that machine and… it just feels wrong to do nothing! Those homes would help so many people.
Look, I know it's tough, but sometimes you gotta make hard choices in life. Do you want to foster the well-being of millions… or be cool? [starts to walk away]
Hey, Derf… when you were saving the whales, were you thinking about beating Rock, Paper, and Scissors, or about how good it felt to save those whales?
[thinking for a second] Get some rest, bro. [resumes walking away]
Rock Paper Scissors · 174 quotes
