[She-Ra and Swift Wind are flying back from battle]
We did it, Swift Wind! The Horde won't bother us again anytime soon. Now let's turn back into plain old Princess Adora and her horse, Spirit. It's meatloaf night at the castle.
[They descend to land]
SWSwift Wind
No, no, wait, wait! Let me land before you...
[About 5 or 6 feet above the ground, She-Ra turns them back into Princess Adora and Spirit. They fall to the ground, breaking one of Spirit's legs]
SSpirit
AHH!!! Oh, my god, bitch! I thought I told you to wait for 5 [bleep]ing seconds!
PAPrincess Adora
Spirit! [crying] I'm so sorry.
SSpirit
It seems like a simple rule of thumb [bleep] head! If we're in the air, I need my magic [bleep]ing wings! Now for the love of god, get me a [bleep]ing doctor.
AAdora
[crying, pulls out her sword] A doctor can't help you! [starts to kill Spirit]
SSpirit
Hold up! Wait a minute! You [bleep]ed up the landing and I get the death penalty?!?!
AAdora
A horse's broken leg will never heal! Almost 50% of a horse's bones are in its limbs. Besides which, 65% of a horses weight rests on it's front legs.
SSpirit
You've sure loaded up both barrels with a lot of high caliber euthanasia factoids, sister. Have you been planning for this?
AAdora
It's just part of being a responsible horse owner.
CCastaspella
[appears] Oh, my goodness! What's happened?
AAdora
Oh, it's terrible, Castaspella!
SSpirit
That evil Hordak made us switch bodies again. I'm really Princess Adora, and she's really Spirit.
CCastaspella
[literal minded] Well, that's easily remedied. Magical mind swap! [casts the mind swap spell]
[The spell puts Adora into Spirit's body and Spirit into Adora's body]
AAdora
[in Spirit's body] OW! My leg!
SSpirit
[in Adora's body] Well, you know, 65% of the bones, blah, blah, blah. [cuts off Adora's, in Spirit's body, head (the horse's head is cut off)]
CCastaspella
Oh! But I-I'm magic! I could have fixed that in two seconds.
SSpirit
[in Adora's body] Eh. Who's up for meatloaf?
There once was a bird with a very happy life. He had a nice nest, a nice car, hot wife. But one day he gave his bedroom door a push to see a bird in her hand...and two in the bush. The next day at his job as a bird on the Wire. He showed up too late, and his boss said "You're fired!" On his drive home on the radio feed, "The fat pigs on Wall Street have all the seed!" [and on the TV, more menacing words: "This land's for the pigs, not for the birds!"] His nest repossessed, to his family a stranger. He felt a new feeling...could this be anger? He found other birds with ruffled-up feathers and said, "If you're mad as hell, then let's flock together!" They loaded him into a gigantic sling aimed at the palace of the evil Pig King. He sailed toward the tyrants, blocking the sun! The bird revolution had finally begun!
[Bird hits concrete, falls]
BBoy
[sitting in his room, playing with an iPad] Aw, dang it.
[walking down in an alcohol aisle at a store, reading a shopping list] Soda, cookies, horchata... [crumples up the list and tosses it aside] BARF! [turns to the viewers] Help me out. Which beer has the highest alcohol by volume? [Blue computer cursor clicks on the larger bottle] Good choice!
BBackpack
Uh, Dora, you're not old enough to buy that.
BBackpack
Dora, please, no! It's wrong-
[stuffs another bottle inside Backpack's mouth, making her gag] Now let's complete this transaction! [runs out of the store]
CCashier
Hey, stop that kid!
I need your help again. I need everybody to shout: Where my motherf-[bleep]ing map at?! [blue cursor clicks on her backpack] Aaaaaaaaw, yeah! [pulls Map out] Map, show me where to find my friend, Marcus. He's always holding. [winks]
MMap
I, uh...I don't know, Dora. [Dora tears down map] OOOUCH! [Stops it] Okay, okay! He's at the park on 12th, under the JUNGLE GYM!
He said he might have some "X," too. You can call me Dora... [Throws map away] the X-plorer! [Camera cuts to the high school party; she is to the viewers while drunk] Hey, I need your help! [gestures her friends] Paulo or Maria? [blue crusor clicks on Maria] No argument here. [starts making out with her as a group of men take pictures of them with their phones]
[lifting and looking under girls' skirts, chuckling] Just call me the "virginity" Swiper.
Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping.
Oh, man! [jumps into the girl's arms as they trip into the maintenance room]
[Harry Potter is sitting on a bed in his bedroom, A woman is in the doorway]
WWoman
You wait right there, Harry. I'm going to change into something more comfortable.[leaves]
[pulls out his wand] Dungus stoutus. [taps his groin region and nothing happens] Oh, come on. Uh, beefus gurthus. [taps his groin region again and nothing happens] Polius maximus. [taps his groin region and a beanstalk shoots out and up into the air] AAAAH!! [cut to Hermione, who is sitting in a chair reading a book. Her phone vibrates and she checks it. It is a text from H "Chosen 1" Potter, who is really Harry Potter. Harry types "Hey, Hermione...". Hermione answers "Hey, what's up? Harry types "My dick turned into a beanstalk." Hermione gets a look of exacerbation. We cut back to Harry's phone. Hermione's screen name is Hermy "@Library" G. Hermione types the answer "Stalkus minimus"] Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minumus.
[The beanstalk recedes back into Harry's groin. Harry is relieved that it is gone. The woman opens the door wearing a red lace panty and bra set. Harry stands up to face her]
WWoman
Now let me see what the famous Harry Potter's packing. [goes over to Harry, kneals down and opens his pants giggling] Why do you have a vag?
[We cut back to Hermione, smiling, picks her book up and starts reading again]
[A news room is shown where a newscaster is seen informing people about Godzilla's attacks on a map, with icons of Godzilla showing off where he attacked]
NNewscaster
[panic mode] Godzilla has left the nation in ruins!
[Cut to Godzilla destroying the Hollywood Sign]
NRNews Reporter 1
Oh, no! California's most treasured landmark!
[Cut to Godzilla attacking the Golden Gate Bridge and chomping onto a car]
NRNews Reporter 2
Oh, no! California's most treasured landmark despite what those a-holes down in Los Angeles think.
[Cut to Godzilla in Chicago, dry-humping the Sears/Willis Tower, only to destroy it in the process with the pole on top of it]
NRNews Reporter 3
Godzilla is pulling some hot stripper, pole action on the Sears Tower or whatever the [bleep] we call it these days, what is it? W-Willis? I'm hearing "Willis Tower".
[Godzilla is swimming away in the New York Bay]
NRNews Reporter 4
And after destroying Manhattan, Godzilla is finally headed back out to sea. [Godzilla looks back and knocks over the Statue of Liberty with his tail] Oh! Total dick move by Godzilla!
NNewscaster
Nowhere near water is safe!
[A group of people in congress are seen in Des Moines, Iowa]
MDMayor of Des Moines
It has never been a better time to be a landlocked state! Tourism here in Des Moines is through the roof! We're all rich!
[Everyone applauds]
MDMayor of Des Moines' Aid
[pulls out a phone and whispers into it] This is the mayor's assistant, Mr. G. Your check is in the mail.
[Godzilla is seen on the phone with the Mayor of Des Moines' Aid and chuckles confidently that it was them who were responsible for his attacks. A time card appears that reads "6 DAYS LATER" and Godzilla is seen holding a paper check]
GGodzilla
[annoyed] Argh, how the hell am I suppose to cash this?!
[Luigi defeats a Koopa Troopa when Mario hits a block with his head, causing several coins to come out]
Ah! Wait a minute! Luigi, all-a these gold coins! They're everywhere!
LLuigi
[jumps down and hits another coin block] Why are we wasting our lives in the sewers? Our new lives are starting now!
[Transition to the scene where various Mario characters are near the spa]
BBBullet Bill
[flying over Mario and Luigi] Mario, your new place is awesome! [crashes into a statue] Oh, sorry, bro.
[laughs] Hey-a, not to worry. There's-a plenty more where that came from. [begins hitting a coin block]
[Transition to another scene with Luigi and Birdo in a garage with 3 karts]
LLuigi
Me and-a Mario, we get-a used to the finer things. Now, how about you show me how to use that-a honker of yours.
[Luigi begins hitting a coin block, Birdo then walks towards Luigi's crotch, unzipping is heard]
LLuigi
Oh, ding-ding-ding! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Now, I'm-a sleepy.
[Transition to another scene with Mario, Bowser, and Peach on the front door]
BBowser
Hey. You guys used to come by on a pretty regular basis, but I haven't seen you in awhile.
We take a-the lady. How about you order yourself a nice mail-order bride? [hits the coin block] Now scram, capiché?
[Transition to a scene with Mario and Peach in bed. The camera pans towards the left revealing Waluigi]
WWaluigi
You-a were-a war-velous.
[Transition to another scene with Mario and Luigi on a thrashed kitchen]
LLuigi
Mario, the mortgage, she's-a due!
[groans] Ugh. Everybody wants a piece of the Mario. [hits a block, but finds it empty. Hits another block, but it's also empty] Come on!
Come on! Come on, you son of a b!tch! [starts crying]
LLuigi
[consoling him] Mario. It's-a over.
[Transition to another scene with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Bowser watching Mario and Luigi's mansion getting demolished]
PPPrincess Peach
Hey, any chance you want to kidnap me and put me up in your castle?
BBowser
No way, princess. I'm spoken for now. [referring to a female Bowser lookalike with her breasts showing next to him]
[Transition to the last scene with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Baby Mario in what appears to be a original Home living room, now broke and wearing rags]
PPPrincess Peach
[talking to Baby Mario] And that's why daddy and uncle Luigi are plumbers and we live here instead of a [glares at Mario] big, fancy house.
RHRobin Hood
I am Robin Hood! I steal from the rich and I give to the poor. [tosses the necklace towards the woman]
WWoman
This necklace is covered in jewels. I'm rich!
RHRobin Hood
Oh jeez, that's true. [shoots an arrow into the woman's hand into a tree]
WWoman
AH! Me begging hand!
RHRobin Hood
[steals the necklace from out the woman's hand] HAHA! Oh wait, If I steal from the rich, they become poor, and if I give to the poor, they become rich.
[Robot 1 and Robot 2 suddenly appear]
R1Robot 1
PARADOX! PARADOX! PARADOX! [ its head explodes]
In a town called Los Angeles, people felt groovy, for the Lorax had opened one hell of a movie. The studio's happy, the parties were tasteful, but poor Mr. Lorax found it all wasteful.
LLorax
[confused] This sucks.
He complained, as they toasted Cristal.
LLorax
They haven't been listening to me at all.
Then out popped the moolah, anmarvelous chap, while the Loraxnndroned on with his usual crap.nnMy name is the Lorax.nnI speak for the trees.nnBut the mubbulous moolahnjust did one of these.nnAnd, rolling his eyes, interrupted...nOh, please.nnOur planet is [bleep] and you'renearnest as hell, but thatnnhippity-dippity crap doesn't sell.nnWe can all make a difference,nno matter how tiny!nnHe said, and the moolah shot back...nGod, you're whiny.nnNobody likes a shrill liberal shouter.nnSo I fixed up your filmnwith my new message-outer.nnIt snipped out your message.nnDude, morals are lame.nnThe real money's made innthe merchandise game.nnAnd then, with a big, mightynroar from his trunk, appearednnHorton the Elephant washing his junk.nnOh, Lorax.nn...said Horton.nnI know how you feel.nnI once had a wholengoody-goody-type spiel.nnA person's a person no matter how small!nnLet me tell you -- that [bleep]ndidn't catch on at all.nnSo I got a new look, a newnname, something blunter.nnI've re-branded myself nownas Horton: Who hunter.nnFrom the shadows, the catnin the hat overheard andnnapproaching the Lorax said...nWhat up, nerd?!nnYou taught the kids to responsibly play.nnBut the cat in the hat said...nThat crap didn't pay!nnForget cleaning house.nnI'm straight cleaning up, guy!nnNow I'm off to go hang with Jamiroquai.nnI'm living the dream, and ifnparents are pissed, they can putnnin a call to my new publicists--nthing 1 and thingnn2, they're both on my payroll.nnThe Lorax was stunned.nnHoly crap!nnWhat an a-hole!nnNo more!nn...said the Lorax.nnNo more of these speeches!nnHow 'bout just one more?nnYou remember the sneetches?nnWe once had a message, andna good one, too, bro.nnBut did we get a movie?nnWell, did we?nnAll: Hell, no!
RSRed Sneetch
We tried to teach tolerance, and where did that get us? So [bleep] it! We'd rather make mountains of lettuce!
MMoolah
There's my house. It's 12 stories with 40 jacuzzis, 6 cars, 19 butlers, unlimited floozies. It's what it's about, ma'am. It's capitalism.
And the Lorax responded with geysers of jism. Thanks to the moolah, that marketing whore, he could finally see what he hadn't before.
LLorax
I'll get me an agent, an accountant named Herschel, a toyline, a lunchbox, an iHop commercial.
Then the Lorax got rich and was totally stoked -- till the day he contracted AIDS and then croaked...
BLBuzz Lightyear
To infinity and beyond!
[Buzz flies throughout lightspeed for a long time period at several beats. Then cut to a text card reading:]
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR DIDN'T KNOW THAT
IT IS BY DEFINITION
IMPOSSIBLE TO REACH INFINITY.
HE KEPT FLYING FOREVER
AND WAS NEVER SEEN AGAIN.
[After-credits. Buzz still remains at the same frame of the longest beat while flying through the lightyears.]
BLBuzz Lightyear
...Jeez, I shoulda packed a lunch.
[At Santa's Workshop, the digital clock rings at 11:59 PM on December 24th]
[realizing that he overslept] JUMPIN' JAHOOFAH! It's one minute 'til Christmas?!?! [gets dressed up, tips the hat rack over trying to get his Santa hat, and bursts into the Workshop where all the elves were still making toys] PACK THE TOYS! GET THY LIST! And if those fleabags aren't saddled in 6 seconds, then get your ass under the mistletoe cuz' my boot's gonna give it a [bleeping]ing soul kiss! And WHO was in charge of my wake-up call?! [an elf raises his hand, and he smacks the elf to a toy counter. Meanwhile, outside, an elf ties all the reindeer together on the sleigh, and he arrives, stunned] Pack your [bleep] and get out. [gets into the sleigh with an elf] HYAH! [takes off while the elf starts crying. His watch reads 11:59:30 and counting] Holy, LET'S DO THIS!
[Santa and the elf start dropping presents. One of them crashes through the roof of one house, another crashes through a door, another crashes through a roof, and kills a guy in bed. Santa and the elf continue throwing the presents. One of them punches a hole in the ground where a nun riding a motorcycle falls into]
HMHomeless Man
Santa remembered me! [a present falls on him, and splatters his head off, killing him]
[Santa and the elf continue throwing presents until Santa throws the elf out of the sleigh]
[Santa realized what he had done, and continues this throughout the USA with explosion heard all over, and then he stops in the middle of a road]
BOO-YAH! 15 seconds to spare! I [bleep]ing rule! Santa Dance! [starts dancing like a rapper, until he realizes that there is one present left] Oh, no, you don't! You're not gonna [bleep] me! Santa's the one doing the [bleep]ing tonight! [in a Ferris Bueller reference, he runs towards the house with the present. He jumps over 2 fences running over anything in his path. But then stops to see a half-naked women, and smiles, then continues. He then stands on a garbage can lid, slides up a slide, jumps off a trampoline, and in super-slow mo, lands on his feet at the house. He tries opening the door, but it's locked] Uhhgh! Why won't this thing open?!
CMrs. Claus
[off-screen] UHHHGH! GET OFF ME! [we see Santa, who's really having a dream all along, choking her to death, unknowingly] SANTA! AAAHHGH! UHGH! YOU'RE HAVING A DREAM!!! [then 3 elves burst in with cattle prauds and zap Santa who lets go of her before fainting] I HATE Christmas! [the elves gasp] You heard me!
AAnnouncer
Welcome back to the "Justin Bieber Christmas Special With Love".
[Transitions to the stage. Justin Bieber walks on as audience members cheer loudly]
JBJustin Bieber
I love you all! [the guitar slides down to him while Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman join in] This is a song I wrote about Christmas, and how it makes my heart feel. [Frosty at the drums rhythmically click the sticks, then rapidly bangs on the drums. Heavy metal music starts] [Bleep] Christmaaaaaas! / [Bleep] Christmaaaaaas! / [Santa joins in] [Bleep], [Bleep], [Bleep], [Bleep] / I see those presents that you brought me!
FSFrosty and Santa
[Bleep] them!
JBJustin Bieber
I see that ribbon in your hair!
FSFrosty and Santa
I'll choke ya with it!
JBJustin Bieber
The Christmas card up on the mantel!
FSFrosty and Santa
It's a photo of my dick!
JBJustin Bieber
And all the stockings hung with care!!
FSFrosty and Santa
They're filled with my [bleep]!
[The female elves join the stage and dance in the background]
JBJustin Bieber
[Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]-[Bleep] Christmas!! [slams the guitar on stage. Grinds behind one of the female elves] Yeah! Oh yeah!
E1Executive 1
We never had this problem with David Cassidy.
E2Executive 2
Cassidy was a hack. Bieber is a [bleep]ing artist!
[Jason Bourne runs into the forest with his gun, and stops to hear the silence. And all of the sudden, Santa appears and tackles Jason. They're having a stand-off. Jason aims at Santa, who puts the candy cane in his mouth. Jason shoots Santa, but missed. Santa grabs the gun and knocks Jason down. Jason pulls out the knife, and starts attacking Santa by slicing the half of his hat. Santa charges at Jason with the pointy candy cane, but Jason gained his power, breaks Santa's arm, and stabs him in the stomach with the candy cane. He lays Santa down on the ground and backs away]
Boy, you're a hard man to find, Jason. [hands a present to Jason] Ugh, the list. Look what it makes me do. Look what it makes me do. [gags with blood and dies]
JBJason Bourne
[opens his present] Parcheesi!
[Open in on Statler and Waldorf in their box
SStatler
That movie was great. And by that, I mean great for a nap. Doh-ho-ho-ho!
WWaldorf
Yes, although I did think the main protagonist had some nuance moments, especially when the cinematographer switched to a wide-angle lens during the...
SStatler
I don't even know you anymore.
SSSassette Smurf
[The Smurfs collect and eat some smurfberries from the plants] Papa, we need to modernize! We should turn some of these smurfberries into preserves to avoid a future shortage.
Oh, how cute. Why don't you smurf along and roll a hoop with a stick, or whatever.
SSSassette Smurf
Actually, bitch, I think it's time for a NEW Papa Smurf. [Takes out a bow and arrow]
Smurf-what now? [Sassette shoots him in the head, and he dies. Sassette then puts on his hat]
SSSassette Smurf
Who's your Papa?! [Laughs evilly as she slices the beard off Papa Smurf's body as the other Smurfs groan in disgust. Then Sassette puts the beard on] WHO'S YOUR PAPA?!?!? [Smurfs bow down in fear]
GSGrouchy Smurf
I HATE kneeling! [Sassette puts her knife on his neck growling, causing Grouchy to piss his pants] I hate pissing my pants!
[We cut to two clowns who entertains kids at a boy named Timmy's birthday party]
HCHappy Clown
[honks with horn] Hey Sad Clown, why are you so sad?!
SCSad Clown
My wife died!
HCHappy Clown
[walks up to the sad clown and holds his hand near his mouth] Uh, that wasn't in the script.
SCSad Clown
I know! [starts crying loudly]
[The happy clown backs away]
