DEDora The Explorer
[as she and Boots are climbing Mt. Everest] My name is Dora the Explorer, and I fear this mountain may be my grave.
[Dora and Boots come across a snowman in their path]
BBoots
A snowman? I love snowmen!
Is there anything you don’t love, Boots?
BBoots
[thinking] Tell her, man! Tell her her hair looks like Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men! This is your chance, Boots! Don’t puss out! [to Dora] Nope! [thinking] You pussy...
[Dora and Boots walk on, passing the snowman. Suddenly his black eyes pop off, and he collapses, and is in fact Swiper the Fox. Swiper proceeds to swipe something from Boots, but Dora is quick to notice him.]
[quickly sees Swiper, stopping him] Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping! Swiper, no swiping!
[freezing up] B-but Dora, I'm dying! I have severe altitude sickness!
[pulls down her scarf to reveal a grin on her face and points to it] See this face?
This is my not-giving-a-fuck face!
[holding up her gloved hand] Here's another choice for you. Guess which finger? I hope you guessed the one that means fuck you!
[Dora and Boots make it across the drop via a zip line. Boots climbs onto the other side when Diego appears on the opposite one.]
[Diego jumps and clings onto the rope halfway between the two sides, but due to his weight, the pole that holds one side of the rope begins to break off.]
DDiego
[frightened] Wh- what was that?
[The pole starts to break off a bit more.]
Where is your safety harness?
[Swiper appears on the other side of the drop, apparently having stolen Diego’s harness.]
We did it! [the Fiesta Trio jump up from nowhere and celebrate with them, but suddenly get totally frozen! Dora grabs one of the members and eats him, gushing green blood out and making Boots gasp] I'm an explorer. Food is food. [grabs another one and eats him as Boots watches in shock. We then cut to the duo walking back down the mountain to see Swiper right where they left him; Swiper is now shivering and frostbitten all over]
[shivering] H-H-Help...m-m-me...
[whispers] Got you something. [puts a gun in Swiper's hand with it pointing to his head]
[pulls the trigger twice, but the gun just clicks; whispers back] You bitch! [Dora pulls her scarf down and grins at him; She and Boots walk on, again leaving Swiper all alone. He looks off into the distance and sees the Grim Reaper coming towards him through the blizzard] R-R-Reaper, no r-r-reaping...R-R-Reaper, no reaping...Reaper-
GRGrim Reaper
Doom! [walks closer to him and pokes him on the head, killing him instantly, and a ghastly scream is heard. The Grim Reaper then chuckles in happiness to end the sketch]
[Grim Reaper has just killed an old woman named Gladys in heaven] You can't do that!
You can't die in heaven, Dad! Tell him!
GGod
Actually you can. You see, if you die in heaven, you go to-Super Heaven.
GGladys
[playing an electric guitar while riding a motorcycle as fireworks go off] Super Heaven is awesome!!
[We start with Alistair Cooke from "Masterpiece Theater" explaining about J.R.R. Tolkien to the audience]
ACAlistar Cooke
When "Lord of the Rings" author, J.R.R. Tolkien, passed on, many thought Middle Earth had come to an end. But recently, researchers found a half-finished manuscript, a sequel to "Lord of the Rings". When, on direct orders from Tolkien's will, his 6-year old grandson, J.R.R. Tolkien Jr., Jr., finished the novel, and the movie was made, fans hoped Middle Earth would rise again! Now here, we present a never before seen sneak peek of "Lord of the Rings: The Final Journey".
[The title briefly shows on screen; the preview starts in Hobbiton with Merry and Pippin]
PPippin
Aw, Merry, I miss Mr. Frodo already.
MMerry
Me too, Pippin. Frodo was a dear, dear friend. I like to eat poop. Hey, look, it's Gandalf!
GGandalf
[rides up to the Hobbits on Shadowfax] Merry, Pippin, we are not safe! A dark menace rises to the east! Duckies go "Quack!" [a rubber duck jumps on the bottom left side of the screen for a second] Cows go "Mooooooo!" [a small cow appears on the center right side of the screen for a second] I want ice cream! [a small pig appears on the center left side of the screen for a second, and then he takes out two ice cream cones] Verily, will you hobbits join in my quest?
MPMerry and Pippin
Yes, Mr. Gandalf!
GGandalf
What about you, Hannah Montana?
HMHannah Montana
[singing to electronic music] I like macaroni and cheese!
GGandalf
I want poop! [we slide to a card that says: And..., and then to a bunch of fighter aircrafts with the characters inside] These F-16s will take us as far as the Erendor river, then we'll have to find the bridge of Larakaei.
MMerry
Quickly! Everyone make jet noises with your mouth!
[Everybody starts to imitate the sounds of jets with their mouths]
GGandalf
Moooooooooo! [we slide to another card that says: And now..., and then to the group inside a volcano and fighting a monster that resembles a peanut butter and jelly sandwich] The three-headed peanut butter and jelly monster is too powerful! And I like to eat poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop...
PPippin
I don't want to do my homework.
[Record scratch]
MMerry
Let's all sing "The Muffin Man"!
EEveryone
[singing] Oh, do you know the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man? Do you know the muffin man...?
[Then a bunch of random creatures from the previous seasons suddenly appear, and many cartoon noises are heard]
GGandalf
You shall not...poop, poop, poop, poop, poop...
[We cut back to Cooke]
ACAlistar Cooke
[shocked and confused] I'm sorry; what the f-?!
[The screen goes to standby mode, and the channel flips to the next sketch]
LTLibyan Terrorist Leader
Send in the next candidate for building the bomb.
DBDoc Brown
[enters with his files] Great Scott! My name is Dr. Emmett Brown. My Résumé is in here somewhere. [sits down]
LTLibyan Terrorist Leader
[reads Doc's files] "Attended M.I.T., inventor, professor". It says here that you're inventing the time machine?
DBDoc Brown
Not to worry. It doesn't run on the plutonium. Definitely don't need plutonium for the time machine.
LTLibyan Terrorist Leader
[about Doc's hair] Your crazy hair makes you look smart, like Einstein. [chuckles; but serious] But Einstein was a Jew!
DBDoc Brown
That's why I named the dog Einstein. [laughs nervously]
LTLibyan Terrorist Leader
Oh, that's good.
DBDoc Brown
I've actually been sending Einstein on some trial runs in the time machine that needs plutonium- [realizes] doesn't need plutonium. I don't have a time machine. Now let me ask you a question about the plutonium. Does it fit in the engine valve of a 1982 DeLorean?
LTLibyan Terrorist
[to the leader; about Doc] I like this guy.
LTLibyan Terrorist Leader
[to the terrorist] I have a good feeling about him too. [to Doc] Congratulations! We have chosen you to build the bomb!
DBDoc Brown
[smiles] Great! Just let me get that plutonium, and I'll be back in 5 minutes with your bomb. [5 minutes later; pushing the entire pinball machine to the terrorists] And here you go. Here's your bomb. Nice working with you, guys! See you later. [leaves]
LTLibyan Terrorist
[suspiciously] Hey, this looks exactly like the pinball machine from the staff lounge!
LTLibyan Terrorist Leader
[realizing that they've been tricked] Damn it!
[Scene starts in cartoon animation. Family has a picnic while a bush moves towards them. A hand reaches out and snatches the picnic basket. Yogi Bear pops out of the bush]
YBYogi Bear
Hey, hey, hey! I avoid starvation for another day! [runs for it, but accidentally bumps into Ranger Smith]
RSRanger Smith
Sorry, Yogi, but if you steal one more basket, it's my job.
YBYogi Bear
You'll never catch me! I live the life of the free! [He runs for it]
RSRanger Smith
Not this time, Yogi. Ho-chi-ya-cha-rooo!
[Rock-like music plays as Ranger Smith is struck by a bolt of lightning. The scene becomes live-action as Ranger Smith turns into a Power Forest Ranger. Yogi (still in cartoon form) stares in shock as four other Power Forest Rangers jump out from behind Smith. The Power Forest Rangers charge as the scene cuts to the cartoon Yogi Bear]
YBYogi Bear
Quite a surprise. But try this on for size! [He stamps his foot as his eyes turned red and cartoon smoke covers the background. It then changes into live-action smoke and he appears as a live-action villain] Hey, hey, heyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
[Power Forest Rangers battle the live-action Yogi Bear while the chorus is singing "Yo! Yo! Power Forest Rangers". Scene cuts to cartoon Boo Boo Bear, hiding in a bush and watching the chaos around him with fright]
BBBoo Boo Bear
WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS HAPPENING?!!?
[Power Forest Rangers and Yogi Bear continue fighting, then the scene cuts to a man at a table with several Japanese men]
MMan
And that is how you bring Yogi Bear to Japan. You're welcome.
[The Japanese men exchange glances with each other before getting out of their seats and leaving. The one closest to Man puts a sword on the table before leaving with the others. The Man looks down and sighs sadly]
[Wile E. Coyote is chasing the Road Runner on rocket powered roller skates. The Coyote crashes into a fake tunnel. The Road Runner holds up a sign saying "Fake Tunnel" & the Coyote holds up a sign saying "No shit".]
RRRoad Runner
Meep Meep! [runs off]
[The Coyote feeling sad holds up different signs saying "What am I doing in my life?". He tosses signs reading "I will catch him", "Its what I was meant to do", and "My life has a meaning" into a fire. The Coyote finds a box saying "Acme Suicide Kit", containing plastic bags and duct tape, to which he holds up a sign reading "$149???" The Coyote puts a plastic bag on his head, wraps the tape around his neck, & suffocates. At a church the Road Runner goes to the Coyote's funeral]
RRRoad Runner
[sadly] M-meep Meep.
[The Coyote reveals that he is not dead, holds up a sign saying "Fake funeral" & kills the Road Runner by shooting him with a flame thrower. As the Coyote is eating the Road Runner, he holds up a sign saying "In case you were wondering...", then turns it around, revealing, "...yes, I have an erection."]
HAunt Hilda
What were you thinking, Sabrina?! Using your magic to turn Harvey's hair purple?!
Here's a better question, Aunt Hilda: If you know magic, why are you still fat?
[Sabrina gives a thumbs up to the camera, "Sabrina The Teenage Bitch" title card appears]
Season one callback, jerks! Woohoo! [slaps Salem out of Aunt Hilda's arms]
GGadget
Go Go, Gadget! Go Go!
[A bird cage pops out of Inspector Gadget's head as he rips his clothes off with only his shoes, golden underwear, and hat on and starts dancing while pop music starts. He groans and cheers; Zooms up on his underwear a couple of times]
[A boy and girl are standing next to a Christmas tree that has no presents under it]
BGBoy and Girl
[disappointed] Aww.
BBoy
Mom and dad couldn't afford our Christmas presents because the price of gas is so high.
GGirl
But I've been extra good. Swear I'm gonna [bleep] some [bleep] up next year.
ACaptain America
[off-screen] Did somebody say "energy crisis"? [flies into the house]
BGBoy and Girl
Not in those exact words, Captain America.
ACaptain America
The high cost of energy is crippling America, kids.
BGBoy and Girl
But what can we do?
ACaptain America
We can lick this problem if we all do our part together. [stands next to the thermostat] Turn the dial down to 68 degrees, and we'll use less heating oil.
GGirl
We're not gonna do that. My feet get cold.
ACaptain America
Uh, okay. Next tip. [next to the TV, holding the plug in his hand] Electronics still use energy even when turned off. Make sure to unplug them.
BBoy
That sounds exhausting.
ACaptain America
Uh... [we cut to outside, next to a clothes line full of clothes] Clothes dryers are 20% of a home's energy bill. Dry your laundry outdoors, and save power.
GGirl
I'd never wait that long.
BBoy
Nobody's gonna do that.
ACaptain America
Oh, fine. [Bleep] you then. [throws his shield down, which breaks a window. He then storm off, getting caught in the clothes line and breaking it.
[Back inside mom and dad are awake]
Sorry we couldn't afford gifts this year, kids.
GGirl
That's okay. It's enough that you don't force us to live like a bunch of broke-ass hippies.
[We cut to Captain America, who is sitting in a chair with his uniform hanging on a clothes line outside]
ACaptain America
[shivering] My feet are [bleep]ing freezing.
[In the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Chuck Noland is resting on the drift when Wilson the ball is accidentally set adrift on water]
CNChuck Noland
[wakes up in panic] No! Wilson! [cries]
[At nightfall, Wilson floats across the Pacific Ocean, and stops in front of the fishing boat. The doctor notices the ball, and picks it up. We cut to the cabin where the doctor examines Wilson]
DDoctor
[to Wilson] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't try to move. You're still very weak. Tell me, who are you? [silence] Oh. You've lost your memory. [the fishing boat bumps at the harbor, causing Wilson to roll out of the boat] Wait! Wait, my friend! We can help you!
[Wilson rolled and bounced out of the harbor, and landed on the bench at the park]
PPoliceman
[to Wilson] Hey, you bum! No loitering in the park. Come on. Let's see some I.D. [silence] Stand down, or I'll use force! [kicks Wilson who bounced at the bench and hits him in the face] Ow! [in his walkie-talkie as Wilson bounced away] All units, we have a fleeing suspect who's just attacked an officer.
[Wilson bounced and lands on the car seat inside the woman's car]
WWoman
[startled] Aah! Oh! Don't hurt me! I'll take you wherever you need to go! [drives off with Wilson, only to be chased by the police] Why are the police after you? [silence] Oh, you're right. I do talk too much. I can't lose them. [switching seats with Wilson] Take the wheel!
[The car crashed through the bridge and splashed in the river, which is floating them away from the police]
PPoliceman
Stop! Ah! They're getting away!
WWoman
[relieved] You did it! You're amazing! Oh, [bleep] you cops! I've never felt so alive! [making out with Wilson; cut to living room where they entered] This is my brother's place, but he's on vacation right now. [then the SWAT team crashed through windows and surround them] Save us! [throws Wilson at the SWAT team]
STSWAT Team Member 1
I got it. I got it! [hits Wilson, as if playing volleyball]
STSWAT Team Member 2
[holding Wilson, as if the ball's trying to bite him] Oh, get it off me! Get it off me!
STSWAT Team Member 1
[holding the gun] Stay back! Stay back! Stay back! [shoots the ball, but accidentally kills SWAT team member 2 and falls out of the window]
[The grenade rolls out of SWAT team member 2's hand, and was about to explode]
WWoman
[last words] Look out!
[The grenade explodes, sending Wilson out of the window; cut to Chuck and Kelly outside of her house]
KFKelly Fears
Everyone thought you were dead. I love you, but I have a family now. [getting hit by Wilson] Ow!
CNChuck Noland
[surprised] Wilson! I thought I'd lost you forever!
KFKelly Fears
[in pain] Did you just hit me in the face? I am calling the cops! Ow.
WWilson
[suddenly talking in his deep voice] No witnesses.
CNChuck Noland
[about to strangle Kelly] No witnesses.
[Kelly gasps before going static]
[Azmuth, Gwen and Grandpa Max celebrate Ben's 14th birthday]
AAzmuth
Happy birthday, young Ben Tennyson!
BTBen Tennyson
[gets a pair of socks] What's with the crappy gifts, Azmuth? Last time I got a watch that turns me into different aliens.
AAzmuth
That was when you were Ben 10. Now that you're Ben 14, you get more grown-up gifts.
BTBen Tennyson
[gets a telescope] I saved the world like 40 times this year and this is what I get? This birthday blows.
AAzmuth
It's not over yet. [cuts to him and Ben at a window] Here's your final present.
[The woman next door removes her towel and begins to shower]
AAzmuth
That's for saving the world. Happy birthday, Ben 14!
[Ben gets excited for the gifts he received and continues to spy on the woman next door with his telescope]
[Two raptors are seen in the jungle]
FRFemale Raptor 1
I can't believe the Jurassic Park scientists made us all females! I'm gonna die all alone!
FRFemale Raptor 2
Crying won't help, there's no way to change it.
FRFemale Raptor 1
Wrong! Tonight, life finds a way. [the raptors are seen behind two cars heading towards a building. They hide and proceed to snap two workers’ necks. They then act as statues when some other scientists are walking by, The raptors go into the lab and mix some chemicals. When this is all done, the Raptors leave laughing. One day later. a male raptor emerges from a truck and walks to the two females] HE'S HERE! Finally, I'm gonna get married, have babies, and live happily ever after!
MRMale raptor
You got great legs, babe. What time do they open? [laughs]
FRFemale Raptor 2
[gasps] Asshole!
[There is a LEGO house. A LEGO car pulls into the driveway, and Bill gets out of it]
BBill
Finally, home to my perfect suburban paradise!
[Truck horn. Camera switches view to the house beside Bill's, Earl's house, which is a towering, exotic LEGO structure decorated with satellite dishes and a large propeller attached to the roof. Earl pulls up in that house's driveway, in a car with spaceship parts]
EEarl
Hey, neighbor! Beautiful day, huh?
BBill
Ugh! Hi, Earl. I see you still have your satellite dishes up.
EEarl
Yeppers. Of course, there's no point now that the cable's in, but they sure look slick, don't they?
BBill
And the propeller, any idea when that will come down?
EEarl
[chuckles] Like I can just remove a load-bearing propeller.
ESEarl's Wife
Earl, dinner time!
EEarl
Billy-boy, that's my cue. See you later. [enters his house]
[Bill has a disgruntled look on his face. Scene cuts to Bill and his wife having sex]
BBill
Argh! Yeah, yeah, no.
BSBill's Wife
Ow, you're overthinking. Just put the knob in the hollow end.
BBill
I know. Just, [gets off the bed] oh, forget it.
BSBill's Wife
[sits up, revealing her breasts] Come on, Bill. What's got you so distracted?
BBill
Nothing. Leave me alone.
BSBill's Wife
Fine. I don't know why I work so hard to keep up this body if you never want to touch me. [leaves]
[Bill groans and looks at Earl's house. Scene cuts to Earl at his house]
EEarl
Okay, love of my life, I'm off to work. [becoming shocked] Bill! What are you doing?!
[Cuts to an insane Bill driving a bulldozer]
BBill
Your house, Earl, it's gotta go!
[Zooms out to Bill being surrounded by LEGO police officers]
LPLEGO Police Chief
Sir, I repeat: Get out of the bulldozer!
BBill
Green brick, red brick, yellow brick, it's all coming down!
[The cops fire their guns at Bill, killing him. The bulldozer crashes into Earl's house]
LPLEGO Police Chief
Calm down, everyone. It's-It's over now.
LPLEGO Policeman
Uh, chief, you should take a look at this.
[The camera switches view to the inside of Earl's house, which is full of LEGO heads. The cops gasp]
LPLEGO Police Chief
Oh my god, it's heads, people's heads!
EEarl
Uh, so, you know... [laughs nervously, and tries to make a run for it, but the cops shoot him to death]
[It is revealed that a boy named Scotty and his friend are playing with LEGO bricks and acting out the scenario the whole time]
SSScotty's Friend
That's where all the head pieces went!? I've been trying to find - Scotty, you idiot!
