Robot Chicken Season 1 quotes

My name is George W. Bush and I approve this message. [cut to a picture of a taco] Tacos rule.

[holds up an egg] This is your brain... [holds up a frying pan] and this is heroin. This is what happens to your brain on heroin. [sets down egg, and smashes it with the pan, holds up pan with egg dripping down] And this is what your body goes through. But it's not over yet. [smashes dishes] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR GRADES! TO YOUR FRIENDS! [smashes cat] TO ALL YOUR STUFF! [smashes TV screen] WHAT HAPPENS TO THE PROFITS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S BAKE SALE! [smashes an old lady; runs outside] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO WORLD ECONOMY! [smashes trash can; kicks a nearby mail box before smashing it] AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GIVES YOU HERPES SIMPLEX A!! AND YOU END UP GETTING A STUPID TATTOO OF A UNICORN! [begins smashing a van a bunch of times setting off it's car alarm] ON YOUR LEFT BUTT-CHEEK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BITCHIN' FIREBIRD, BUT YOU WERE TOO STRUNG OUT TO NOTICE AT THE TIME! [runs away, and home runs a puppy]

We just wanna help! [gets his face smashed]

[smashes all the police men away] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO FAMILY VALUES! [on a building ledge] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO THE POLLEN COUNT!!! [smashes the buildings wall] Any questions?! [people look at her with confused expressions] ANY QUESTIONS?!?! [smashes herself off the building]

Hi, I'm Optimus Prime. What you've just seen was a dramatization of what you, your friends, and your family go through if you don't get regular prostate exams. Now we Transformers don't have organic internal organs, and can't get cancer. But you do, and you can.

So get your ass checked out before it's too late, turkeys!

This has been a message from the Cybertronian Medical Association.

This is me, and this is Stalin. [draws love heart] We're married.

The year is 1966 and Walt Disney is dead! [scene cuts to Disney's dead body] The beloved cartoonist, moviemaker, and hero to the American Family, left specific instructions to be carried out upon his death.

Okay, do it.

Did he really say this should be done with a chainsaw?

[punches the man] Never question him!

The public would never know what mad experiments took place under the Matterhorn that day!

Did it work?

[waking up] I...hunger.

Bring in the first Cuban Child! [scientists bringing the Cuban boy, who is scared] Walt Disney must feed!

Yes. Yes!

[crying and scared] Ayúdame! Ayúdame!

YES!!!

As the years went by, Disney's power would grow. He demanded a Disney park be built in Florida so he could be closer to his Cuban food supply.

Sir, I need your approval on these extension plans.

BUSY, EATING!!!

[walks toward the janitor in a threatening way] You didn't see anything, you got that?!

God, help me!

Walt Disney's lust for the flesh of Cuban children, was kept under control, until one fateful day...

The long journey of Elián González has finally come to a close. After being taken by Federal Agents from his temporary home in Miami, Little Elián has been reunited with his family in Cuba.

[reacts, negatively] Elián? ELIÁN?!

ELIÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁN!!! [rushes toward Cuba]

Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!

ELIÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁÁN!!!!!!!!! [shoots lasers on Cuban homes]

[walking towards Disney] Here I am!

Elián?

If it will stop devastation...on my beloved Cuban people, I will sacrifice myself to you.

[pushes Elián aside] Die, American beast!!! [shoots Walt Disney in forehead and dies]

We must always remember the sacrifices made today by the brave Cuban soldiers, whose deaths will not be known outside of Cuba thanks to the American embargo.

[annoyed, shoots him dead; record scratch heard in the background] I love doing that!

So, you told them the wrong time on purpose?

Yep, God hates freaks.

That doesn't sound like God.

"That doesn't blah-blah-blah!"

Well, then, why did you let the pixie fairies on board?

[shocked] I DID?! [grabs a mallet, heads downstairs, and attempts to kill them] Get back here, you little dust tosser! [whacks three times]

[laughing, talking to animals in boat] You guys are gonna drown, but we're a mermaid and a merman! We can swim!

[bites mermaid's head off] I hope you can also asexually reproduce, butthole.

Crap.

I'm in awe of headless Ponch. He's very attractive. [take] Headless pouch.

Headless pouch. Ponch. Ponch. Ponch. Go.

Headless stick. Ha ha ha!

Excuse me. I just farted in a very musical tone. [making babbling noise]

[smacks Dom] Shut up!

Ruff!

I like being an American. I like ev-ery-thing ABOUT...being Burt. Being Burt, being Burt, being Burt. Gosh, it's good.

I want to show you something that I'm very proud of...and it's gonna scare the living [bleep] out of you. Ha ha ha! You will have to step back just a few feet. [take] Print. Pfft. Lunch.

[after running over a girl dressed as a park ranger in his car] Yeah. Sorry about that, folks!

Lucy

Just kick the ball, you block-head!

Charlie Brown

But every time I try, you just take the ball away.

Lucy

This time I won't! Come on already!

Charlie Brown

[to himself] Maybe this time she means it. I'm really gonna do it! I'm gonna kick the football! This is it! [kicks Lucy] That's for years of humiliation, britch!

Charlie Brown

Poor Linus...

Lucy

[insane ranting] That block-head! Everyone's a block-head! Block-head, block-head, block-head!

[talks in the style that most Peanuts adults do] Wah wah, wah wah-wah-wah, wah wah, waaah?

Lucy

What did he say?

Charlie Brown

Ugh, I never have any idea what any adult says; it's always that "wah wah wah" crap.

Charlie Brown

This is different from the time we got lost in France, or when we almost drowned during the great river raft race. I fear just having a positive attitude with strong Christian overtones won't save us this time.

Hold me, sir. [she and Peppermint Patty start French-kissing]

Charlie Brown

I said "strong Christian overtones"!

Charlie Brown

I'm at the end of my rope, Lucy. Everybody else is dead, besides you and me. [the Great Pumpkin eats Lucy while Charlie Brown is still talking] I thought being stuck as a pre-pubescent bald kid for 50 years couldn't get any worse. What should we do?

[trying his best impression of Lucy, but failing horribly] You should let the Great Pumpkin eat you!

Charlie Brown

Meet the kite-eating tree, you ugly son of a bitch!

Welcome to the Surreal Life.

[dancing with Emmanuel Lewis/Manny Moe] Come on, come on. Get down. [they hug]

Let's take a look at what the Surreal Life Gang has been up to recently.

[to the interviewer] We were really excited to participate in the Iditarod dogsled race, [shows the Surreal Life Gang riding on the dog sled] till one of the dogs fell in love with Manny Moe.

Let's see what's in the store for our Surreal Life folks today.

We have to take the One Ring and destroy it in the fires of Mount Doom.

Ooohhh!

Wait, something's coming!

[dressed as the Hobbit] There's no way I'm doin' this! Somebody get me a cab, 'cause I'm goin'- [gets shot through his neck by the arrow and dies]

[as Sméagol] We must helps them! They's our friends! [as Gollum] They hates Manny Moe! [as Sméagol] No, they loves us! [as Gollum] If they dies, we go get pizza! [gets playfully tackled by the same Husky dog]

[dancing to himself] Yep, yep, come and get it, oh, yeah. [urinating on the tree]

Back to the fires that forged you, evil trinket! [edge breaks, plummets] Aahh! Arrgh!! [Corey Feldman jumps down, grab Vince's hand, grapple hooks the cliff and stops their fall] Corey! You saved me, bro.

You can burn in hell, I just want the ring. [drops down]

Corey, no! ["SPLAT!!" sound] Aw, bro!

Um friends, remember me fondly...in Stand By Me...and in The Lost Boys...only the fist half. [sunken down] Oh, a-a-and Friday the 13th was pretty gooh... [dies]

Next time on the Surreal Life...

Well, uh...well, Ron and I had to check out a suspicious meteor.