Robot Chicken quotes

Alpha 5, Rita Repulsa's going to strike very soon, and we haven't recruited any new Power Rangers!

I'm beaming up four young recruits. They already have color-coded costumes.

Ooohh...

Welcome, my new Power Rangers. What are your names?

Hi. Tinky...Winky.

Hi. Dipsy.

Laa-Laa.

Uh, how long is this going to take? Ball park it for me.

JUST TELL ME YOUR NAME!

Poooooooooooooooo!

[worried] Guys, pick up the pace a little-

Tinky. Winky.

Yeah, we've established your name is Tinky Winky! (being sarcastic) Ah, screw it! We gotta go! [we cut to the Teletubbies in another distant planet, and Eye Guy is shown in the distance] Okay, there's a giant monster approaching.

Yay!

No, not yay.

Hold hands?

No, not hold hands!

Hold hands!

H-H-H-H-Haaands!

[in Laa-Laa's voice] Hold hands.

[very frustrated] Call your Zords!

Oh.

Zords!

Yes! Now we're on the right track!

Hold hands!

[in defeat] NO! THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! [BLEEP] YOU GUYS! [teleports out of sight in fury]

[confused] Tinky...Winky?

So Goofy, did your parents take it okay when you told them that you and Clarabelle are together?

Well of course, Minnie. Why wouldn't they?

Because she's a cow and you're a dog! It's-It's unnatural!

Somebody finally said it!

But gawrsh, you guys, th-there isn't anyone like me out there.

Well, there's Pluto.

I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. [leaves with Clarabelle]

I move we vote to ban mixed-species couples from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Do I have a second?

I second!

No! You can't legislate love!

Oh, really? Two confirmed bachelors who co-habitated their entire lives have liberal social ethics? Shocker!

We're brothers!

We're cousins!

Get your story straight, fellas.

Uh, just a reminder. I'm actually human under all of this, so Belle and I are cool, right, guys? [no response] Guys?

All right, enough, enough. All in favor?

Aye!

The motion passes!

[steps out from behind] Everyone, please stop fighting! I, Walt Disney, created you to spread happiness to the world, not bigotry.

He sure did! Just look at me, Uncle Remus! You tells 'em, Massa Disney!

I guess it's back to the grave. Disney out! [makes a Nazi salute and disappears as the crowd gasps]

Hey, Elroy. How was your field trip?

Great, dad. We studied an abandoned ship and found a bunch of these. [holds up an alien egg]

Well! A foreboding alien egg! Let's burn it until there's nothing left but ashes. Anyone who doesn't do exactly that is the lowest form of fool.

Aw, dad, can't I keep it?

Well, for the sake of entertainment, yeah, sure.

Reorge! Rad ralien! Rad ralien! [George! Bad Alien! Bad Alien!]

[walks the facehugger on a leash] Yeah, Astro, he is a pretty rad alien.

Ro! Ranger! Ranger! [No! Danger! Danger!]

Ranger's a great name. Good idea, boy.

Ro! Ro! Ro! [No! No! No!]

Settle down! Go sniff another dog's butt or something.

Rassrole. [Asshole]

Now, Judy, your father and I are worried about how little you eat, so today you're having an entire breakfast pill, young lady. [puts a breakfast pill on Judy's plate]

[enters the room with Ranger lying dead in his arms] Ranger slept on my face all night, and when I woke up, he was dead! It makes me so sad, I feel like my heart is gonna rip out of my-Ggggrrrhhh! [chokes and convulses in pain. Jane and Judy gasp]

Wow! You really are sad!

Stop him, George! [George tries to catch the chestburster on a moving conveyor belt, but George gets stuck running in place at it, and the chestburster escapes in an air vent] Looks like we need a strong female role model to handle this problem. [strips down to a tank top and underwear]

You might want to stable that high horse, Jane. I'm getting some mixed signals here. [Jane and Judy arm themselves with guns, while George presses a button on his briefcase, only to find that it only contained papers] Aw, dang it.

It must have had an inexplicably short growth span!

On the bright side, it sure does move this story forward at a snappy pace.

[hits the creature with a rolled-up newspaper with a hit count] Hurry up! I've only got three whacks left!

[approaching the creature] Tall, dark, and mysterious? Oh, what a dream-

Get away from her, you bitch!

Phew. It's over.

Reah. Rhew! [Yeah. Phew!] Rrraaarrrrggghh! [a chestburster bursts from hiss ass, due to Ranger humping him earlier]

You know, that's scary exactly once. [she and Rosie shoot at the chestburster, killing both the creature and Astro]

[making a speech to the Circus Bugs] Everyone rest up! In the morning, we start the long trip home to confront Hopper and his evil gang! [hears loud music and cheering, and finds Mr. Mayfly having a party] Excuse me, Mr. Mayfly, can you keep it down? We have-We have a really big day tomorrow.

Oh, really? Well, my entire lifespan is three hours, so...[bleep] your big day!

Oh, a man at last! I've already been alive a half-hour, and I need to get pregnant right now!

Oh yeah!

Oh, my God, this is the best sex of my whole life! [laughs about this. The next shot is of her giving birth, making Flik cover his ears in frustration] Get it out of me!

Look, I've got at least 47 good minutes left in me, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna waste them!

You're a midlife cliché!

[depressed] Aw, what was the point of it all? LIVE, REPRODUCE, DIE?! IT'S A SICK JOKE! A SICK-! [gags and dies, making his wife follow suit]

[looks at the dead couple; relieved] Oh, finally.

[hatched from one of the eggs] WO-HOOOO! Party time, baby!

[irritated] Oh, [bleep] me!

[holding his Reptar doll] Well, after crossing the freeway, base jumping off a cliff, and dodging bullets in a gang war, we finally found my Reptar doll!

Yay!

[enters the street, finding the babies] Tommy! What are you doing in the street?!

[opens the front door] Oh, thank God! They've been lost for hours! Where were they?

Stu, a word. [they walk into the kitchen, their voices get muffled as they talk with the door shut] What the [bleep]! Stu?!

Well, I'm sorry. The babies escaped, and I still-

Escaped?! They're babies, you sackless moron!

I was downstairs, working on a new toy, and they just-

[sarcastically] Oh, a new toy! Never mind, then!

[tearing up] Didi, if you keep ridiculing my work, I-I swear to God.

[enraged] What?! You'll hit me?! Ooh, you're such a man!

Didi, stop!

I'll be the man! See, Stu?! I'm the man!

[sobbing] I want a divorce!

I don't usually get involved in day-to-day operations, so I'm smurfing undercover. They'll never smurf it's me. [chuckles; takes off his pants] Ohh, I haven't smurfed these things off in nearly 300 years! Talk about crotch rot!

So, you're my new intern, huh?

That's right, Farmer Smurf. Teach me to care about your sad, little life...I mean your noble and fulfilling, uh, career choice.

Well, Smurfs are a thirsty bunch, so we got to smurf them fresh milk every day!

[being filmed] We've been drinking CATERPILLAR MILK?! [milks the giant caterpillar, his hands getting sore] Oh, this is agony. It feels like my hands are gonna smurf off!

Yep, my carpal tunnel got so bad, they had to fuse my wrist bones in place!

But our healthcare is smurfy, right?

Eh, my deductible is 2,000 smurfberries.

WHAT?! [cash register dings]

Doctor Smurf, why are deductibles so high?

Boy, you smurf a lot of uppity questions for an intern. Uh, just treat the next patient while I go for a Jamba Juice run in my gold-plated helicopter.

Actually, I'm not really qualified.

We need Doctor Smurf! Handy had an accident!

Did someone get a sliver? [Handy shows his bleeding hand, missing all of his fingers] OH MY SMURFING GOD!!!

I sawed right through a load-bearing mushroom! Half our building materials are fungus! Oh, trade school didn't prepare me for this!

You can smurf his fingers, right, nurse?

I'll certainly try. [being filmed] I certainly tried.

[crying] You can probably stop sewing.

No, no, no. I-I'm gonna get this. [walks up to Grouchy Smurf] So, Grouchy Smurf, how's the coffee today?

I hate coffee!

Oh! Okay. But how do you like working here?

I hate working here.

Oh, goodness. Okay. Well, is there anything that maybe Papa Smurf could do?

I hate Papa Smurf!

All right, what exactly do you do around here?

I-I hate stuff?

[puts on his red hat] I'm being deadly serious.

I...I... [cuts to him, shoveling dog poop outside] I hate shoveling dog [bleep].

Well, now that's actually an appropriate reaction. Carry on, dog-[bleep] Smurf! [leaves]

My fellow Thundercats! When danger is near, I shall hold the Sword of Omens aloft and yell out a battle cry

What shall our battle cry be, Lion-O?

"Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats, I need you because evil is near, and we are friends, and we are a team. So we must come together and fight because the Eye of Thundera is in the sky, and it is summoning everyone together. So please come here Panthro and Tygra and Panthro and also Cheetara and also Wilykit and Wilicat and also Snarf. I think I said Panthro twice. I won't do that every time. Yes, we are the Thundercats. This is our battle cry. I love you guys. You are my best friends, and I am Lion-O and I am a Thundercat, and you guys are Thundercats too. Mumm Ra is not a Thundercat, he's bad and we're gonna win against him, because we are the Thundercats, and the Thundercats are here for you today because we are the Thundercats yeah, I'm Lion-O". I hope you write that down.

I liked it. [Wilykat slaps him] OW!

Oh boy, it sure is a great day here on Sesame Street!

Yeah, especially since we're the last neighborhood in New York that hasn't been gentrified.

Until today, because our special guest is Hannah Horvath from the marginally popular but ignored in the flyover states HBO series, Girls!

Hey, do you know where I could find a cocaine dealer/organic Vietnamese taco truck around here?

[Bleep] me! [gets back inside his trash can]

[feels Grover] Ooh, you're so cute! [later that night] I really love how you don't play games, Grover.

Oh but I play lots of games, patty cake, and marco polo...Ugh!

[shows her private parts at Grover while jacking off] Insult my parents! Oh yeah!

Woah! [scene cuts to him and Hannah learning about numbers with apples] Today, we are going to learn about the number 3, I have 3 apples!

And I know 3 girls who were date raped at the same bar on 6th street.

That is sad. [Hannah eats the apple] Uh...you're eating my props.

I'm proud of my body.

I know, I know.

Ugh! Yeah! [shows her private parts at Grover while jerking off again]

Oh, God!

Oh, hello! I was just enjoying the latest best "heller"! [laughs evilly, but then rips off book cover] This is actually Dan Brown's "Inferno." It's a piece of [bleep]. Our next tale is something of an "alle-gory"! You might say it's a "meta-gore"! [pause] Let's just roll it.

[in his haunting voice] Get out. Get out of the house. Get out of the hou-

Bitch Pudding

[wakes up] Why don't you get your tongue out of your daddy's [bleep]hole so I can jam your mama's [bleep] up there, you [bleep]-gargling pile of monkey spunk?! Nothing to say now, huh?

[off-screen] There's just a lot to unpack there.

Bitch Pudding

Well, wake me up when you figure it out, [bleep] stick. [goes back to sleep. The next morning, she goes to her fridge when she sees the chairs and flower pot of her table are now completely deformed. Annoyed, she flips them over and destroys them] BLAM! Where's your [bleep]-ass art project now, [bleep] nut?

[off-screen] It wasn't supposed to be art, it was supposed to scare you! God! Forget it! I'm leaving! [cut to Strawberry Shortcake's house, where she is sleeping; in his haunting voice] Strawberry Shortcake!

Strawberry Shortcake

[wakes up] Huh? What?

[in his haunting voice] Get out of the house!

Bitch Pudding

[breaks in through the window] Hey, [bleep]ing clown, if you're ragging so bad, why don't you take your mama's tampon out of your daddy's [bleep]hole and lick it clean before you shove it up your [bleep]?!

[off-screen] Hey, stop talking about my dad's [bleep]hole! I'll-I'll leave town, okay? Oh, FYI, that isn't blood, that is strawberry jam, m'lady. The insulation is leaking. All I did was turn the painting upside down. Live with it.

Strawberry Shortcake

Do you think he was right about the insulation? That could be berry expensive.

Bitch Pudding

Hmm, let's see. That depends on whether I give a [bleep], [bleep] tits! DA-DA-DA-DAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Bitch Pudding! BLAM! [jumps out the window]

Strawberry Shortcake

I should really move.

[narrating] Time travel has not been invented yet, [cocks his gun] but in 30 years, it will be. [gunshot] In the future, TV networks don't awwow cartoons to have guns, so if they want to kill someone, they send them back here to me. My name is Elmer Fudd, and I'm a Wooper. [Title Card: Wooper] The only wule is never let your target escape, even if your target is you.

[appears in the field] What are you waiting for? Shoot me!

What?!

In the future, they don't let me have a gun! That was my one dimension as a character! Know what I did yesterday? I slept for 15 hours and then beat it to a Weader's Digest! Help me!

I can't.

Come on, give it to me. [crying] Pleeeease. [gunshot]

[appears in the field] I'll have what he's having. [gunshot]

Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-...That's all, folks! [gunshot]

Can I listen to this tape in Teddy Ruxpin, mommy?

Of course, Jessie.

Do I wish I could just leave my wife? Yes. If she'd take Jessie with her and get out of my life, that would be ideal. I just don't see that happening. Sometimes I just think murder is the only option!

Honey, I'm missing the tape from my therapy session. Oh, shoot!

The spell has broken! This was my true form all along! I can't wait to marry you, Shrek!

Marry you?

Well, yeah! Since we look the same now, we'll live happily ever after!

Fiona, every morning, I look at myself in the mirror, and I wish my mother had the courage to throw me in the river when I was born. Then I make my way to the putrid swamps, the only place on God's green Earth a monster like me feels at home. Sometimes, children gather to scream at me. "Monster! Animal!", they yell. Then someone screams, "Kill yourself!" and it takes a few seconds to realize the voice is coming from my own mouth! By then, I've made my way to the old hanging tree. Before I have time to think about it, I'm wrapping a vine around my own neck. It goes "tot" and I pray to the gods that this time, the vine will hold! But alas, everyday, I wake up in my own filth and I lie there and I cry. I cry because I'll live to see my face again! So nay, marrying a lass with a face as hideous as my own is not on my to-do list!

[with her mouth full] Have you tried these mini cheeseburgers? They're great! [sees Shrek hanging from a noose, and to Shrek's disappointment, the noose snaps]

You sure you wanna do a movie, Tiger?

I want to be beloved again, like before I had sex with all those waitresses from IHOP. Jordan did Space Jam. I want my Space Jam.

Well, studios aren't lining up to lend their characters to a Tiger Woods movie. Everyone aggressively passed except DiC, but I cannot recommend that.

Welcome to the Golf Jam!

Time for a day of playing golf and being faithful to my girlfriend. [falls down a large hole] What? Whoooooooa!! [lands in DiC Land, surrounded by Heathcliff and other DiC characters] Ow!

Welcome to DiC Land, Tiger.

[getting up from his fall and waving hello] Why, hi, Garfield.

I'm Heathcliff. I'm more romantic and have an accent. This is Cleo.

We need your help, Tiger.

[enamoured with Cleo's beauty] I want to put my penis in you... [snaps back to attention, and looks at the camera] I mean, I love my girlfriend.

We brought you here because the evil Dork Punks challenged us to a game of golf.

[once again enamoured with Cleo's beauty] I want to hump your face... [flustered] I mean, help your face- [snaps out of it again] Help you, I will help you!

Let's tee off, DiC-heads!

If you sink this putt, we win!

Wish me luck, Bobby Brown.

Bobby Brown? I'm Hammerman! I'm M.C. Hammer, except not, and I have magic shoes. [shows off his magic dancing shoes]

[looks at Cleo] You know, I don't even know if I want to save you DiC's. You're just uninspired rehashes of good ideas. Seriously, how cheap is DiC? This is a movie, and you all look like you were drawn on a napkin.

Win the game and I'll blow you.

[rapping] Everybody tee off, get a club in your hands, charisma-free sex addict saving DiC Land! Welcome to the Golf Jam!

The "Channel 6 News Masquerade Ball" is the opportunity for me to kidnap April O'Neil. She's the perfect bait to catch the turtles. [surprised to see April's costume] Wow! Out of that bulky lesbian jumpsuit, she's hot as [bleep]!

Care to dance, Mr. Potter?

WHAT?! [cuts to Shredder dancing with April] And, what's your costume?

Belle from "Beauty and The Beast", but a dick-slut.

Is your favorite restaurant, Taco "Belle"?

You are hilarious.

On the count of 3, say your favorite band. 1, 2, 3!

Toad the Wet Sprocket! [pause, they both kiss]

[feels the blade, and gasped] Wait. Are you-

In love? Yes. WHAT?! Bye! [leaves]

[realizing] Shredder?

Think of something poetic, Oroku. [to April] But soft, you are total boner food!

Oh, Shredder. My heart doesn't take sides.

People won't approve.

No one can keep us apart.

Aww, Hell to the No! [punches a brick wall with a grunt]

We're soul mates! We both love Toad the Wet Sprocket.

Toad the-What?! Is that a sex thing?! Have you guys had sex?!

No. Just dry humping, and ball play.

Ball play?! [punches the same brick wall with a grunt]

You must stay away from Shredder, April. He is dangerous. Sleep here tonight. Donatello, grab the guest pillows.

[gasps] What are you doing here?

I came to say "Hi", [lays down next to her] and also have sex after the whole "Hi" thing.

It's like Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in my panties right now. [they both kiss again. Later, we see her and Shredder outside the manhole] Mmm, Mmm. You really Toadied my Wet Sprocket. When will I see you again?

Soon, I hope. I should go before the turtles wake up. Plus, I have some major ExtenZe farts coming on. [farts]

April, just go on one date with Casey. He's a good guy.

Casey is a jobless loser in sweats! [walks away]

Good start to my morning.

So, I left. What should I do, Mr. Rat King? I belong with Shredder.

I have an idea! And my idea involves you taking a lot of poison very quickly.

[pause, interested] Go on?

[shocked] It can't be! April?! NO!!!! WHY?!?! [accidentally hits April with his spikes]

[wakes up in pain] Ow! Ow! Ow! What the [bleep]?! Shredder!

[surprised] April! You're alive!

The poison only made me appear dead. Didn't you read "Romeo and Juliet", you [bleep]ing ass clown? [gags and dies]

NOOOOOOO!!!!!! [a few seconds of silence] Just gonna take my Toad the Wet Sprocket bootleg back. [takes his CD back, and leaves]

[dozing in the captain's chair on the bridge of the Enterprise] What's that Beverly? You want Wesley to watch? Hmm, make it so! [jerks awake] Oh, 2300 hours, time for the night crew to relieve us! [moves to leave the bridge, as Captain Jake enters] Captain.

Capitan! [the Enterprise bridge crew file out, as their night crew replacements enter] Night crew, maintain course. [cut to the Enterprise moving through space] Space, the final frontier! These are the 11pm to 7am voyages of the Enterprise's night crew. Its continuing mission...is to PAR-TAY! [starts drinking from a beer can as the night crew cheer]

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [A Borg cube appears on the view screen]

Captain Jake, a Borg cube is hailing us.

They probably want us to turn down our jams...Fat chance!

Lower your shields, your culture will adapt to service us.

You want us to service you?

Affirmative. You will service the Borg, all night if needed! [Commander LaFreak sniggers. The Borg Drone looks unamused] Wait! Our hive mind has assimilated double entendres- real mature, guys! Prepare for assimilation! [the Borg cube begins to shoot at the Enterprise with its lasers]

Our shields won't last long, sir! Should we wake up the bald guy?

[opens another can of beer] No way, Commander LaFreak! We'll beat the Borg like we beat that frat on Gallos 7!

We'll sell naked photos of their girlfriends at a pie-eating contest?

What?! No! Like any frat, the Borg share a hive mind, man. If we get one Borg to party, all Borg will party! Night crew, prepare to rock out with our Spocks out! [the night crew beam across to the Borg cube] Anybody order a partygram? [the night crew start playing music and drinking with the Borg drones in the cube. He pulls out a bottle of champagne to a female Borg drone] Wet t-shirt contest! [opens the champagne bottle on the female drone, who doesn't react even when he douses her chest] Oh right, no shirt...you want mine? [removes his Captain's jumper, just as the Borg drone he talked to advances on him] Whoa, chill out, dude! Wait, is she your daughter?

Enough! Partying is futile! [jabs Captain Jake with its injection tubes, only to recoil. Captain Jake grins] Your blood, so full of beer! Your party, so hearty! [grabs a cup of beer from a Klingon night crew member and chugs it] Woo-hoooo! [the rest of the Borg join the drone and the night crew in partying]

Now this, I can assimilate! [he and the drone hug]

Captain Jake, Starfleet thanks you for defeating the Borg. [hangs a medal around Captain Jake's neck]

Bitchin'!

[fuming] NIGHT CREEEEEEWWWWW! [everyone looks round nervously, until he grins] Beer me! [the night crew cheer and Jake tosses Picard a can] You glorious sons of bitches!