Rigby Riggerson quotes from Regular Show

CJ

Where do we turn off next, Eileen?

Eileen

(while looking in her bag) Hold on, let me check the directions! (finds some trail mix) Trail Mix? Oh no! This is my recreation bag! I left the directions in my school bag by mistake!

Rigby

(Takes the trail mix from Eileen) Wump-wump! (eats the trail mix)

Rigby

Hey, Benson, what's with the fancy spread?

Benson

Mr. Maellard said he needed to give an announcement this morning. You know, you all could learn a thing or two about boss appreciation… [Mr. Maellard's limo suddenly crashes through the sweets; sighs and facepalms as Mr. Maellard gets out of his limo] Mr. Maellard! How nice of you to visit us today.

Mr. Maellard

No time for bollocking Benson. Take a seat. As you all aware: Park attendance has been declining for years. With no visitors, I'm basically just paying you boys to babysit Pops at this point.

Pops

And they're doing a bang up job.

Mr. Maellard

With that in mind, I've decided to shut down the park.

Mordecai

No visitors?! Well, what about, uh, that guy? [points to Huge Head and everyone looks at him]

Wait, not yet!

Mr. Maellard

One ugly guy, plotting revenge on my son for the last four years isn't enough to keep the park open. You guys all had a good run, but I'm afraid you're all fired. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go rig a yacht race.

Rigby

Pops, are you okay?

Pops

(groans) Optical illusion.

Don't worry, sir! Thanks to the jaws of life, you'll never get trapped in an enclosed space again.

Whoa!

Rigby

Where'd you get that?

It came with the truck.

Benson

What were you two thinking?!

Rigby

It was just a joke!

Mordecai

Yeah, we were going to paint over it after our break!

Benson

Well, how's this for a joke? Buy a new garage door by the end of the day or you're fired!

Benson

(Laughing calmly then turned angrily)

(Laughing)

Benson

This sandwich cost me $85!

Rigby

But you said we could order any sandwich we wanted!

Benson

I did. I said that. Now listen to ME as I say this. If you two don't eat this entire sandwich by the end of the day, YOU'RE FIRED!!

Rigby

Hmm. You OK, dude? You seem a little on edge. You and CJ?

Mordecai

What's to decide? I'm with CJ. We're happy. It's good.

Rigby

Uh huh.

Mordecai

(slightly annoyed) What? I said it's fine. Just leave it. Besides, no offense, dude, but what would you know about relationships, anyway?

Rigby

Well, actually, smart guy, l -- Eh..

Mordecai

Actually What?

Mordecai

SPILL IT!

Rigby

[shouts fastly] EILEEN AND I ARE DATING!!

Rigby

FOR LIKE, A COUPLE OF MONTHS NOW!!

Rigby

WE HAVE MATCHING BRACELETS!!

Mordecai

Ah, dude! That's crazy! Why didn't you tell me until now?

Rigby

We didn't want to shove our happiness down your throat too much. Well, I mean, I wanted to shove our happiness down your throat, but Eileen told me not to.

Mordecai

Ah, dude. I'm happy too. I swear. Everything's fine.

Benson

Rigby, did you clean out the gutters yet?

Rigby

No way. That's a two-man job.

Benson

Well, where's Mordecai?

Rigby

I don't know. I haven't seen him.

Eileen

Come to think of it, I haven't seen him since C.J. dumped him at Muscle Man's wedding.

Benson

Yeah, no one has. He hasn't come to work for two weeks now. I tried calling, but he won't pick up.

Rigby

What? No, here. I'll call him. [grabs his phone from inside the couch and speed dials Mordecai's number; a vibration is heard and he hears it from the couch; opens Mordecai's phone and saw 300+ missed calls from Benson] Huh, that's not like Mordecai.

Benson

[frustrated] I can't believe this! You don't even know where your best friend is?

Rigby

Hey, I've been busy. [signs to which means hanging out with Eileen]

Benson

Look, I'm just concerned about the well-being about my employees as any park manager, but I've got a business to run in. If you don't find Mordecai and bring him back to work by tomorrow, then I'm gonna have to fire him.

Rigby

[shocked] What?! [stands up on the couch] Wait! I can find him!

Benson

Well for your sake I hope so, otherwise you'll be cleaning the gutters solo from now on.

Rigby

[answering a call from Eileen] Hello?

Eileen

Hey, I checked from Margaret. She hasn't seen or heard from Mordecai.

Rigby

Yeah, his parents don't know where he is, either.

Eileen

And I don't think he'll be hanging out with C.J. anytime soon. Well, I'll start putting these flyers around town. Hopefully a hundred should be enough. [takes out flyers of Mordecai missing posters]

Rigby

Well, I'll be privileging his personal stuff he doesn't like me touching, see ya. [hangs up; takes Mordecai's mattress off his bed and sees a note reading "Dumptown U.S.A."; picks up the note and reads it] "Dear Mordecai, stop wallowing in your lady woes and come have sodas…"

[narrating] "…With other single bros! There's a place with hot sandy beaches and an All-You-Can-Eat buffet! So pick up your sax and jam with the crew in Dumptown U.S.A.! Signed, Sad Sax."

Rigby

[annoyed] Uh, Sad Sax Guy, I should have known! At Dumptown U.S.A.? That sounds so lame! I bet nobody's ever been to this place.

Benson

[off-screen] I have. [Rigby turns to him and later brings him into his office] Dumptown is a refuge for guys who have recently been dumped, a place where they can forget about their breakups and embrace their newfound single-hood.

Rigby

Wow. That's depressing.

Benson

Oh, no! Dumptown is great!

Rigby

What? I'll buy you a new cake.

Benson

YOU REALLY SCREWED UP THIS TIME!!

Mr. Maellard

Hold on now, Benson. You share as much blame for this as he does. You are his manager.

Rigby

It's true, Benson. I told you I needed a nap!

Benson

You were tired because you were up all night playing video games!

Mr. Maellard

Enough! Rigby's a screw up but discipline starts at the top. So here's what's gonna happen. (opens the drawer and gets some paper and a pen out) One of you is gonna write a letter of resignation by 5 o'clock. No one leaves this office until it's done. And if you can't work it out, you're both fired! (slams door)

Benson

This is the last thing I needed today. First, my car breaks down and I have to get a ride from my dad, and now this. All right, Rigby. Stop playing around and write that letter.

Rigby

Why should I write it? Didn't you hear? Maellard said it was your fault, 'cause you mismanaged me.

Benson

Come on, Rigby. We both know this is your fault.

Rigby

Not now, Benson. I'm reading off my management techniques. There's some good stuff in there. (Benson snatches the book from Rigby) Hey! I was reading that!

Benson

Why can't you take anything seriously?!

Rigby

Why are you so uptight?

Mr. Maellard

What's going on in here? Give me that! This isn't party time, this is write a letter to quit time. And if I have to come back in here, I'm busting heads! (slams door again)

Rigby

I'm not writing that letter.

Benson

And Mordecai and Rigby, let's have you pick up trash by the snack bar.

Rigby

Ugh! Again?

Benson

Don't worry, this is the last time you'll be on trash duty for a while.

Mordecai

Awesome! Wait, we're not getting another intern, are we? Because I don't think I can handle another spy situation.

Benson

No, I've actually got some very big news about your dome-estic situation! (everybody stares at him) Hopefully it won't cause any pan-dome-onium! (everybody continues to stare) Dome you have any ideas about what's going to happen? (everybody is still staring) No one, huh? Well, since I have to spell it out for you, Maellard's decided to seal off the park in a dome to create a contained ego-system! A group of scientists from the government are going to study it for a whole month!

Muscle Man

Bro, have would we ever have guessed that?

Mordecai

A whole month? Where are we supposed to go?

Benson

You'll have to move out, the dome's dropping tomorrow! Isn't that exciting?

Pops

Why aren't you more upset about the inconvenience?

Benson

Because I don't live at the park.

Skips

So we can stay at your place?

Benson

Heh, well, my place, while officially a one bedroom, (the wind starts blowing strong) feels more like a studio. So there isn't really any room! (he looks up and sees a dome coming down onto the park)

Hi Five Ghost

It's not tomorrow! It's today! They're sealing the park today!

Benson

Hey, didn't I tell you to mow the lawn? Why are you watching TV?

Mordecai

I don't know. Just feeling "blah" today, you know?

Rigby

Yeah, kind of got a case of the afternoon sleeps.

Benson

(groans) I don't wanna hear it. Get back to work or you're FIRED!!!

Mordecai

We did it dude! We mowed the entire lawn with out taking a single break! You wanna go get some lunch?

Rigby

Aw yea-uh, I do! Nothing on Earth's gonna stop us from getting some lunch! Huh?

Party Horse! (They walk towards it as they chant) Party, party, party, party, party, par... (the spacecraft opens) Huh?

(sniffles) Oh, Chrissy! (cries; Scene cuts to the house where he is lying on the couch and Mordecai and Rigby standing there) UUUUUUGGGHHH!

Mordecai

Dude, what happened to you?

Chrissy happened, man, she dumped me, and she'll probably never talk to me again.

Rigby

That's rough, man. What went wrong?

Augh! It's all her dad's fault. He always telling her my partying is "compulsive" and that i'm a "danger to myself and others." I tried to talk to my bros on Party Horse Planet for advice, but they just duct tape me to a flagpole and put my underwear down. After that, I came to Earth hoping you dudes can help me.

Wooooaaaaahhhh...

Mordecai

Uh, don't worry, dude, we'll help you get your girlfriend back.

You will?

Mordecai

It's easy, you just gotta get something nice to show her you care about her.

Rigby

Yeah, man, the mall has like 20 stores that only sells stuff for guys who need to apologize to their girlfriends. With our help, you'll be back in the saddle in no time.

Dude, saddle jokes, not cool.

Eileen

Your dad? Tell him I said hi!

Rigby

Eileen says hi.

Sherm

Hi, Eileen!

Barbera

Hi, Eileen!

Hi, Eileen!

Rigby

[shocked when he sees an angry Eileen after the other girls walk off] Eileen?!

Eileen

[angrily] Rigby!

How'd the old man land such a megababe?

Eileen

[blushing] Heh, well… [blushing fades; back to angry] No! You know, I don't like being lied to by my boyfriend. I missed the dance show to bring you soup! [runs off on her own]

Rigby

Eileen, are you okay?! Did you fall down the rock hole?!

Eileen

I'm okay! But it's pitch-black down here. I don't know how to get out.

Rigby

I'm comin' down!

Eileen

Actually, it'd be better if you went to get help! [sighs after Rigby falls into the cave]

Rigby

Eileen, I can explain! I was going to the hospital but I got lost!

Eileen

Rigby, I know you're not sick! Just tell me the truth!

Rigby

[sighs deeply] Okay. I'm not just hangin' out in a cave with teens for fun. I... I never graduated from high school.

Eileen

Really?

Rigby

This whole cave thing is just for school credits so I can graduate and get my diploma. I never cared until I saw the Eileen Plan, but now all I can think about is how you're gonna be the president, and I'm just gonna be some jerk you used to date.

Eileen

But I don't need a genius. I like you, just the way you are.

Rigby

Yeah?

Eileen

Yeah. [she and Rigby both stand up and bump into each other; sighs] What are we gonna do? It's way too dark to find a way out.

Rigby

Hmm. I got an idea.