[turning dark grey with anger] HOW DID I MISS THAT SHOT?! [angrily throws the putter out of the golf course, breaking someone's windshield] It was so easy!
Whoa, whoa, CJ. No need to get upset.
RigbyIt's just mini golf.
I can't help taking mini golf seriously. It kinda runs in the family. [sighs] My dad is Carl Putter.
Whoa, Carl Putter? The world champion mini-golf pro?
Rigby
Wait, so your last name is Putter?
No, that's just his mini-golf name. Look, it's not something I really like to talk about. Growing up with a mini golf legend as your dad, well… it can be pretty tough.
Rigby
Yeah, man. Don't you remember?
[In another flashback, Benson hangs Halloween decorations on a ladder at the top of the stairs. Mordecai, holding up the beast mask, and Rigby walk up]
Benson, look at this mask!
[Benson falls down the stairs and dies. His ghost leaves his body]
RRigby (voice-over)
You've been haunting the house for months.
[Benson's ghost scares Rigby while he's eating cereal. When Rigby screams, Benson flees as if he's also scared. The same happens with Mordecai while he's carrying a box up the stairs. Cut to Mordecai and Rigby in the hallway, with Rigby trying to open a bottle of soda]
Rigby
No, dude. It's "lefty locky, righty relaxy".
[Benson's ghost appears again. It sees Mordecai and Rigby and moans in fright as he leaves. The flashback ends]
Then what are you guys doing here? You've ruined my office!
We're not in your office. This is our office.
Rigby
We got promoted!
And this isn't our office. [screen zooms out from Mordecai's face] It's a cemetery. [points down as lightning strikes] And that's your grave!
[Cut to Benson's tombstone, which reads "R.I.P. BENSON. 'YOU'RE FIRED'". Benson falls to his knees next to his tombstone]
You havin' fun, buddy? Enjoying your wings?
Honestly, bro, they taste bittersweet. But I just wanted to have them-[sadly]-one last time.
Rigby
[covering his eyes] I can't watch.
[places his hand on Rigby's shoulder] Don't look away, Rigby, look at him! Look at this…Muscle Man! This guy, from who we've all learned so much--from this guy, his joke telling, his loyalty…
[near-crying] I never wanted to be anyone's best friend, until I met you.
[stands up] No, let me finish! What we'll remember most about you more than anything else is- [holds in a vomit] Excuse me. Your passion, Muscle Man. Your passion! If you'll all join me.
[after Muscle Man proposed to Starla and start kissing]
Wait, so Muscle Man was fine this whole time?
I'm as healthy as can be.
Rigby
Then what was all the stuff with Dr. Henry?
I just had to make sure I was fit enough to keep up with this she-lion. Thanks a ton, you guys, for helping me finish my bucket list.
[enraged] "Thanks?!" I BLEW TWELVE GRAND ON YOU TODAY!
Do you even know what you put us through?!
Yeah, Muscle Man! We all thought you were gonna die!
What are you talking about, bro?
Rigby
You had an appointment with Death!
You had to get your papers in order?!
My toilet papers. I had to fold 'em into little triangles so my place would look nice for the after-party.
[enters] And I'm only here to deliver his aunt's ring from the underworld.
Oh, come on! This is textbook engagement story. You shed your bachelor self before you get married and be a husband. All that death stuff was a metaphor.
[grabs Muscle Man by the shirt] "I LEAVE THIS WORLD TONIGHT" IS NOT A METAPHOR!!
Ohhh. Oh, I see what you're saying. Sorry about that.
Rigby
Next time you die, you're on your own!
[Everyone leaves disgusted, save for Benson]
[sternly] You owe me $12,000. [leaves]
[at Hi-Five Ghost] You get it, don't you, bro?
[beat, smiles] Best proposal ever!
We get it! (to Mordecai) It's a good thing you're here. I'm gonna need you to help Rigby change the lightbulbs.
Rigby
Oh, I can do that myself.
[sarcastically] Ha ha. Yeah, sure you can.
Rigby
Yeah, I can! I help all the time!
[Everyone including Catra and Scorpia laughs at Rigby]
Rigby
Why are you laughing?!
CCatra
It sounds even stupider the second time! Seriously? Tung Lashor? Pfft! Who came up with that?
SScorpia
[chuckles] Right? It's like, what, did you lose a bet?
Yeah, bro, without Mordecai, you'd be totally useless.
Rigby
Wha- Come on, Mordecai, tell him how useful I am!
Uhh...yeah, I mean, you're fun.
Rigby
What? No, tell him I'm useful!
Rigby
Why aren't you saying the word useful?!
Well, I mean there was the time with the chairs, the limousine, the pretzel. You're basically the opposite of useful pretty much anytime we do anything.
Rigby
But we did those things together!
Yeah, I mean, you were there.
Rigby
So the whole time I've been covering for you and CJ?
Well, I mean, it's the least you could do.
Rigby
The least...I could.....I quit.
Rigby
I quit! I can get a paycheck anywhere!
[Everyone laughs at Rigby again]
Dude, you can't get a job without me. It's my references that got you this job in the first place.
Rigby
Reference this! I'm gonna go out and get a job, and I'm gonna make money at that job. and that money's gonna come in the form of a check! And that check's gonna be in an envelope, and the envelope's gonna be sealed, and I'm gonna rub that sealed envelope all up in your face, Mordecai! PEACE!
[Rigby makes a raspberry noise from the park all the way to the Local Temp Agency]
AAnnouncer
Okay. Let me get a "honk-honk" in here 'cause you goosed (guessed) it!
[a guy honks his horn and goose flies away]
AAnnouncer
It's time to announce the winner of the City College Modern Dance Competition. [pigeon flies by to give the man an envelope] Now, I don't want to "pigeon-hold" anyone, but first place today goes to Eileen Roberts with the dance "Chewed Gum"!
[Eileen screams excitedly and the audience cheers]
AAnnouncer
To say you blew away the competition wouldn't be Ostrich (a stretch)! [Eileen squeals/screams again] Let's see how well you dance after a year of sitting in front of your very own flat screen TV!
[joyous squeal] This is the best thing that's ever happened to me!
MRMordecai, Rigby, and CJ
Flat-screen! Flat-screen!
AAnnouncer
Thanks for coming everyone and for all of you losers today, don't Rooster (Brewster) on your laurels 'cuz there's always next year!
Joanne! I thought you were at the beach!
I was at the beach, until I realized something like this might happen! How could I enjoy the surf and sun knowing you could be here, messing with my TV?
I'm sorry! I didn't think it-- [gasps as Joanne smacks the remote of her hand]
[to Eileen; threateningly] Next time, that remote will be your face. To clarify, next time I'll slap your face.
[End of flashback]
Rigby
I didn't even make that up, that's exactly what happened.
Okay. [puts the snowglobe back in its place] So, I guess we shouldn't touch any of Joanne's stuff.
Rigby
Yeah, I think we'd just put the flat-screen on the wall over here, it'll be cool.
[looks closely at Joanne's TV] I can't believe she still has one of these junky old Hanatronics. This must be first generation it's so old.
Rigby
I told you, she's a beast. Her TV's probably too scared to die on her.
[off-screen] What are you doing?
Rigby
[turns around and faces her; frightened] AAHH! Joanne!
Rigby
No.
[walks towards him and jabs her finger into his chest] You better not, because the hand that touches my TV, is a hand you'll never get back. And by that… I mean I'm ripping it off your body, and keeping it.
Rigby
Look Joanne, I didn't-
Rigby
[covering the outlet] What's what?
[walks forward] Move it, shrimp.
Rigby
No, wait!
[shoves him aside, notices the moved plugs] I KNEW IT! You mess with my TV, I mess with yours. [jumps onto the flat screen on the wall, takes it down, and runs away with it]
Rigby
[worried] NO, NOT THE FLAT SCREEN!
Joanne, stop! We can talk this out! She's already half way up the street!
HGrandpa Hanatronic
[gets out of the limo, angrily] Joanne, what have you done?!
Grandpa Hanatronic, I can explain!
Wait, is your last name "Hanatronic?"
Uh, yeah, hello? Joanne Hanatronic, heir to the Hanatronic Television Dynasty?
[to Rigby] Did you know that was her name?
Rigby
[shrugs] I just thought it was a weird coincidence.
Rigby, staff meeting! Did you go in a pizza pouch bender again last night? Come on!
Rigby
Last night? [gasps] Thomas!
Guys, it finally happened. I met the perfect girl. Her name is Natalie, and she's a preschool teacher. I'll be showing her around the park today. So your only duties are to leave us alone. Just leave me and Natalie alone, people.
[Rigby raises his hand]
No, you can't use the bathroom, Rigby.
Rigby
That's not what I was gonna sa—
[interrupts Rigby] You know, Rigby has a point. What about Audrey?
[Everyone can't remember]
I was sad for months? I loafed around the house? [scoffs] Muscle Man and Pops, you took me to get ice cream. Skips, you made me train for that marathon. In fact, all you guys had a role in my lengthy healing process.
I don't remember any of this.
[yells] SECOND ORDER OF BUSINESS! [calmly] Today is Thomas' last day. Now keep this under wraps, guys, 'cause I want to surprise him. At the end of the day, I'm offering Thomas a full-time job!
[Everyone cheers except Rigby]
Oh, yeah, I can't wait to see look on his face when he sees how I prank the new hires!
You know, we don't normally hire interns. But Thomas is really killing it lately. Killing it in the Park!
What're you guys doing here? And what room is this? What's all this stuff?
Rigby
We don't know, but we're pretty sure Thomas has something to do with it. There was a guy in the cupboard, and pretty sure he did that too!
I think we stumbled on something really big.
What guy? What are you talking a—?
[Natalie enters the room, clapping slowly]
NNatalie
[Russian accent] I know you Americans love the ironic slow clap.
Natalie? What's with the accent? What is all this?
NNatalie
I am not Natalie! I am... (takes her clothes off) Natalia! And I am not lowly preschool teacher! I am Russian spy!
NNatalia
So clever, you Americans — only took two years to figure out things at park were not what they seem. And I am not only one right under your ignorant noses. One of your own has been conspiring against you.
What?! Who would do that?! Natalie, you're acting crazy!
NNatalia
Oh, sweet Benson. Why don't you let him tell you yourself? Nikolai!
[Thomas enters the room; Benson, Mordecai and Rigby gasp]
Thomas, why'd you step out when she called for "Nikolai"?
NNikolai
[Russian accent] Because my name is not Thomas. It is Nikolai. And I am Russian spy.
[The guys react in shock in finding out that Thomas/Nikolai is actually a Russian spy; End of Part 1, beginning Part 2]
NNikolai
[clearing throat] Yeah, I am Russian spy.
Rigby
Oh, snap! Now we're all boned! And guess who didn't believe me? You, and you, and you, and-! [Natalia punches him in the arm, silencing him]
[Benson in his office writing on a paper, then his phone rings and he answers it]
VVoice
Will you accept a collect call from... [Mordecai and Rigby are panicking on the phone for help]
Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, Oh, my gosh! We're in trouble, man. Benson, we're in Australia!
Haha, very funny, guys. Listen up, I missed you at work yesterday. If you don't come in Monday, don't bother coming in at all. [hangs up]
Rigby
What did he say?
If we don't come in to work on Monday, we're fired.
Rigby
Aw, man.
Dude, come on. We need to get to an airport.
Regular Show · 562 quotes
