Tucker quotes from Red vs Blue

Why do I have to go up against a machine gun and you guys get to go play hide and seek?

The guy we’re seeking has a rocket launcher.

Ohh, right. Have fun doing that

And you found that in a hole?

Yeah, dude. I was just walking along, following Tex, not really paying attention you know. I fell in some hole. And uh, Tex didn't help me out, she figured she was better off without me, and that's when I found this.

You know, most people would tell that story in a way that makes it sound a little better.

Yeah but, you know, that's not really my style.

Man, I've never found something that cool in a hole. And I've explored just about every hole you can think of!

Hey dude, do me a favor and don't talk like that when I'm playing with my thing.

Target locked. [Fires main cannon]

Hey, what are you guys doing up here? [Several gunshots are aimed by Future Church to get Donut's head but he misses every time]

OH MY GOD! How the hell did I miss?!

That chick with black armor is back.

What chick? You mean the chick that stuck the gernade to my head? [Church misses again]

God damn it!

That's the one.

Oooh, oh I've been waiting for this. [Donut runs over to the edge of the base that faces Tex.] HEY BITCH, REMEMBER ME?! I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA! [Donut throws a sticky grenade at Tex. Everybody watches the grenade fly slowly threw the sky while Future Church tries to shoot it down but misses every shot.]

FUCK. THIS. HORSE. SHIT!

Man, that girl has a really good arm.

[The gernade land on her] Aw, crap.

Alright, that's it. I quit. I'm going to go live in a cave. [Church runs toward the caves. And Tex blows up.]

DIOS MIO NO!!

Um, maybe somebody should say something.

Okay, go ahead.

Not me jackass. I'm not going to eulogize myself.

What, why not? I eulogize myself all the time. Wait. (pause) I think I don't know what the word eulogize means.

Wait, I know how to do this! Dearly Beloved we are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Church, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now, or forever rest in peace! With liberty… and justice… for all. The end!

I learned a very valuable lesson on my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem...

They could be worse?

Nope, no matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.

Where have you been?

You want the long version or the short version?

I will take the easy version please.

I want to hear the long version but can I hear it in 3 parts?

Well I can see why we don't have lots of meetings. The only person who doesn't know is Donut. He's not even here.

Sarge

That's because I asked Donut to distract the Blues so we could have this secret meeting!

And that's how I saved Christmas.

I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything!

Yeah and I don't think Santa's outfit is a leather biker's outfit.

Lavernius.

Lavernius? Well then, who is this Andy g… wait a second… Are you black?

Me?

Yeah.

Does it matter?

No, just curious.

Well, if it doesn't matter, why are you curious?

I dunno; I guess it's just something I should have picked up on after all this time.

You know what else you should have picked up on? My fucking first name!

Say something Andy, you are embarrassing me in front of my friends.

Caboose I think you're losing it.

Also I wouldn't really call us friends more like acquaintances or people who work with other people they hate.

Ah uh... Think calming thoughts, uh... Let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight—

No!

[at the same time] Duck!

Sounds like you're patronizing me.

No, it's me. I'm a bitch.

Heh, keep talking.

And I need to stay calm all of the time.

Or what happens?

Or... else I get so mad, I start to kill people on my own team.

I see your point.

Oooh, tell him about the moodiness, and the crankiness.

Also, mention how you like to punch people in the head while they're sleeping!

That was you?! I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me!

Mmm… why don't you just give me your sword?

No way, I can see right through your little ploy. You just want me to give you the sword.

That's what I just said.

Yeah, but it's the way you said it.

You know, it's a good thing that that sword doesn't run on brainpower. Oh my God! Tucker, look! Hot chicks!

Nice try, you just want me to turn around so you can knock me out and take the sword.

Now the hot girls are makin' out!

Okay, that's worth the risk. [turns around] Aw, crap!

Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?

[groans] Damn. Okay, new rule. We start rotating knockouts. Next time, it's your turn.

Hey, good idea. And next time Caboose decides he wants to go around team killing, you can take that one.

Maybe we should all stick to what we know best.

Hey, where's your weapon?

You think she knocked me out for fun? This isn't Tuesday, dude. She took it.

What, the fuck, was that?

Hey, Church!

Hey.

Huh?

Isn't anybody gonna ask me, "What happened to your body, Church?"

[in unison, feigning interest] What happened to your body, Church?

I don't know I was sitting there talking to gary and...

The bomb?

No that's Andy... Gary is the computer.

Eh, I barely remember your names half the time!

I know my name! You can ask me if you forget!

Hey, can we please focus on me?

By the way, he's Church.

Yes. Thank you Caboose. She knows.

He is the mean one.

Thank you Caboose!

See? He is mad. Now he will stare at me until I stop talking. Then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.

(long pause) OK, I was talking to Gar-

(cuts him off) Told you so.

GOD DAMN IT!

Classic Church.

I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurysm?

Anyways I was sitting there talking to Gary about the great destroyer at the time we thought was Tex.

The great destroyer has arrived, the end is near. The great destroyer has arrived, the end is near.

Oh come on gary gary gary stop stop stop stop stop, hey if Tex isn't the destroyer for the prophecy then who is?

And that's when I turned around and i saw...

Saw what? Saw O'Malley?

What the... Caboose get out of the story man, no it wasn't O'Malley-

What was it?!

Stop interrupting me and I'll tell you.

A helicopter?

Yeah Caboose shut up.

Yeah Tucker you're interrupting too, just get out of the story!

Me? I'm just here to spice things up! Check this out.

Hi everybody, I'm super horny from all the robot killing. Hey, is it hot in here? Who wants to help me out of this heavy armor? This breastplate is so itchy.

Bow chicka bow-

-whoa, ok, story's over!

You're a pig.

I didn't even get to the part where the sailors show up.

Just tell us, what did you see?

Well...It was a really big...thing.

That's your story? You saw a big thing...

, Ah, my story had a big thing in it too. You just didn't give it time to develop.

Well, I really didn't get a clear look at it.

At Tucker's big thing?

Ha Ha Ha! Some slimy toothed monster scared the crap outta Church!

It didn't scare the crap out of him, it scared the SOUL out of him.

Oh, it's Church. What's the difference? His soul is made out of crap! (to Church) Stupid crap for soul...

For all I know, he's in there chewin' on my body right now.

Well, then let's go get this big thing of yours!

Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Oh, shut up!

Shut up, Tucker.

Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Tucker! Shut up!

I came here to lay some pipe. (quickly) Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Tucker!

So I hear you got sisters, Bow Chicka- who are twins, Bow Wow!

Shut up.

Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!

Shut up!

Bow chickachicka bow wow chickachicka bow wow etc.

(while Tucker is saying last) Shut up. Shut up. Shut UP!