Leonard Church quotes from Red vs Blue

I'm a pacifist.

You're a thing that babies suck on...

No, dude, that's a pedophile.

Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.

Oh yeah, right. Man I was... totally thinking 'bout somethin' else.

That’s real classy, Tucker.

No, I’m just going to check your vitals.

I bet I have better vitals than you.

...

...

What’s a vital?

Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up a defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.

I didn’t even know what half of that meant.

Just go over to Caboose’s rock, and fire your gun a bunch.

That rock? Yeah, I don’t think so.

We do not. Have time. To discuss this.

Sure, no time for you to discuss it! You get to hang out here with Nancy-no-bullets just shootin' the breeze! Meanwhile, I’m out there, running around, eating a machine-gun sandwich.

Tucker, we’re going to give you covering fire!

Covering fire? Unless that means you’re going to build a huge, bulletproof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.

No problem. Oh, wait, wait, does the blood have to be in your body?

Okay, you, Doc. Get over there and help Caboose.

My name isn't Doc. It's DuFresne.

Yeah, I can't pronounce that. So from now on, your name is Doc.

I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor; I'm a medic.

What's the difference?

Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable... while they die.

Mental Note: Don't ever get shot.

It's settled then, your name is now Doc.

Alright, but I don't think it'll stick. (scene pauses, background gets dark; the word "Doc" passes by in big letters)

Oh trust us, it'll stick.

I can't believe Church shot me!

[Irritated, echoing scream from nearby] Oh don't even start Caboose!

Why did the reds stop firing?

I don't know, they're probably out of ammo.

Hey blue team, we are giving you a chance to surrender.

Yeah, they're definitely out of ammo.

He was all like 'Sayonara' and he just took off!

That's not Spanish, you idiot. It's French!

I would just like to let everyone know that I suck...

And?

And that I'm a girl...

What else?

... and I like ribbons in my hair ... and I want to kiss all the boys...

Sarge

This may be the best surrender of all time.

Hey Church, if your body is the red team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?

Huh... well, yeah, it's worth a shot, I guess. *Ahem* All right, stand back. [Church starts grunting for six seconds]

Anything?

Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it'd be.

Maybe there's a button on you somewhere.

See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here. [Begins grunting again] Oh, hey.

Found it?

Nah, no, wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently 26 degrees, by the way.

What? It's not 26 degrees out here, that's freezing.

Celsius, Tucker.

Come on dude, Celsius sucks. [Tucker bends down to only find a switch in Church's crotch] Hey, I found something.

Oh yeah, you found a button?

No dude, it's more like a...switch.

Well, give it a flip. [Tucker stand up to face Church]

I don't wanna flip it.

What's the problem?

It's in a weird place.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

You flip it!

These arms aren't that flexible. I can't even reach down there.

What about Caboose?

Aw man, he's so stupid. I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch.

Aw man.

Tucker, come on! We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner. [Tucker bends down to flip the switch but comes back up, unsuccessful]

It won't move. Its stuck.

Did you try wiggling it?

No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle.

Oh stop being a baby. Just wiggle it. [Tucker bend down to wiggle the switch as five seconds flow by in silence]

Ssssoooo, you from around here baby? [Tucker shoots back up]

Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk.

Alright, alright, I'm sorry. I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

I wish Tex was here. She wouldn't have any problem flipping it.

You obviously did not know Tex that well.

There, got it. Feel any different?

No, what?! Hey that's odd. Can you hear something beeping?

There, you hear that?

Is it like a screaming, high-pitched whistling noise followed by a series of random clicks?

No, it's just like this constant beep, beep, beep noise.

Oh... then no, I don't hear anything.

Whoa wait, do you actually HEAR a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?

No, I'm just trying to be helpful.

Yeah, well, you're failing.

Oh, I hear that voice telling us to kill all of our friends before they have a chance to kill us. (Church and Tucker stare at Caboose)

What? You guys don't hear that?

[looking through the sniper scope] Oh, Church, Church. Okay, I-I see something. [through the scope, we see Grif and Simmons leaving Doc to look around in confusion] Okay, the two red ones are walking away, uh but the purple one is... [Scary voice] I think he's going to attack.

Purple? Oh wait, the purple guy is that worthless medic.

He's not gonna attack, he's a pussy-fest.

Pacifist.

Ah, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter.

Wait a second, wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kinda trick.

I'll bet they've used some kind of... brainwashing technique on him! They're-they're probably planning to have him do all their dirty plans! And also the schemes!

Caboose, that is ridiculous.

{stares at Tucker through the scope] Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, it's the most ridiculously perfect idea that you never thought of?

No, just the regular kind of ridiculous.

Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else. You get somebody else to pinch you.

Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me.

[talking to Lopez] Alright, that's the deal Mr. Robot. You fix our tank, we let you go free.

I thought the plan was to trick him into fixing the tank, and then Church will take over his body again when he is done.

Yeah, but you don't tell the person you are tricking what's going on, Caboose.

So, if I'm the one being tricked, then you will not tell me what is really going ON?

Why would we trick you?

Oh. [Pause] I think you know.

No! Heauegerkergerk!

Hey Church, you okay in there? Church. Do I need to flip your switch? [Church reappears in the back round as in his ghost form]

What the?! That wasn't me! What the hell is going on here?! [Lopez turns towards the Blues]

Well, buenos días cock bites. Guess who's back?