(Speaking to the skeletal crew) Well, here they are.
(Enters and bows) Carmita...(Sees the skeletons and stays in his bow, jaw agape)
Well...it's a bit difficult to know what to say. Isn't it, Ace?
Well, isn't anybody going to say, "Hello?"
(To Rimmer) I think the blonde one's giving you the eye.
Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted. I'll just go and fix some tea. (Exits)
Cat(To the skeleton of Tracy) Hi, baby!
Our first contact with intelligent life in three million and two years and it's the android version of Norman Bates.
Cat
Come on, guys. So they're a little on the skinny side.
Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time or place to say this but my mate, Ace, here is incredibly, 'credibly brave!
And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends!
(Noticing the silence) Well, is anything the matter?
Anything the matter? They're dead.
(Pointing to the skeletons) They are dead. They're all dead.
My God! Well, I was only away two minutes!
They've been dead for centuries!
You've only got to look at them. They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget! [The "Mc" is edited out of all American broadcasts]
Well, what am I going to do? I'm, I'm, I'm programmed to serve them.
I think the first thing we should do is bury them.
You're that sure they're dead?
(Indicating the skeleton of Anne) What about this one?
There's a simple test. (To the skeletons) All right, girls, hands up, those of you who are alive.
We are talking jape of the decade. We are talking April, May, June, July & August fool. Yes, that's right... I am Queeg.
RLRimmer, Lister & Cat
WHAT??!!
Queeg never existed, it was me all along.
RLRimmer, Lister & Cat
WHAT??!!
Wheeze of the week, mate!
RLRimmer, Lister & Cat
WHAT??!!
"Going around in circles for 14 months." "Getting all my information from The Junior Colour Encyclopedia of Space." The respect you have for me is awesome, innit?
Are you tellin' me you staged the whole thing??
(in Queeg's voice) That's right, suckers! (in his normal voice) And the moral of the story is... appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!
Cat
What the hell is all this down my chair? Peanuts?
No, I've been trimming my veruccas.
Cat
You have personal habits that would make a monkey blush.
You really think I'm that psychotically disgusting, don't you? They're peanuts, OK?
Cat
Real peanuts?
Cat
[eats the peanuts] Where'd you get them?
Derelict, couple of months back. I found them in the dead Captain's old donkey jacket.
[Cat glares at Lister, looking nauseous]
Don't look at me like that. You enjoyed that Mint Imperial, didn't you?
Cat
Where'd you get that?
He was sucking that when he got shot! I had to prise his jaws open with a car jack.
Cat
You think I believe anything you say!
What - you're us? All four of us? Our combined minds and personalities, blended together?
LLegion
Oh, but much more than that, exponentially more. The whole becomes far greater than the sum of its parts.
So we can't leave because you're us? You're created from us? If we leave, you cease to be.
LLegion
Without you, my friends, I am quite literally nothing.
Cat
So if he's us, he can't hurt us, right?
Cat
Wrong.
But this is insane. Hurting us is hurting yourself. Our pain is your pain.
LLegion
Kryten, you forget: not only do I possess your combined intellects and memories, I also share the sum of your malice and rage and anger, magnified many times. I'm capable of quite insanely irrational behaviour. Watch.
LLegion
The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up...here (holding the scalpel to his scrotum).
Legion, that kind of tough talk doesn't scare us.
EEEveryone else
Yes, it does!
[The crew are puzzled by the apparently missing days on board the ship, the fact that Lister's jigsaw has been completed, and both he and the cat have a broken foot/leg. Rimmer suspects aliens.]
So, aliens came on board.
Cat
They broke my leg.
And then they did a jigsaw...well that's cleared that up...
OK, professor, what does it mean?
Right, breaking your leg 'hurts like hell'. HELL, okay? They do it beLOw the knee, LO; 'HEL-LO', get it? They do it twice, twice; 'TWO'. HELLO TO. And jigsaw must mean YOU. HELLO TO YOU!
Cat
...I'd hate to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech!
Cat [to Rimmer]: What is it?
It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat [to Lister]: What is it?
The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat [to Rimmer]: What is it?
It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat [to Lister]: What is it?
It's a hole back into the past.
Cat
Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?
I was in love once. A Sinclair ZX81. People said, no, Holly, she's not for you. She's cheap, she's stupid and she wouldn't load, well, not for me anyway.
What are you trying to say, Hol?
What I'm saying, Dave is, it's better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
Cat
Why's that?
Anything's better than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
Don't much, but this is good.
I didn't know you sent secret love letters to Carol McCauley.
Lister, that is my private, personal, private diary; full of my personal, private, personal things.
Cat
It's gone public.
I don't believe it! You've been reading it to the Cat?
Cat
Only the best bits!
[reading] "Carol McCauley, your eyes are like two limpid pools in the mornings".
"Your hair is like a golden waterfall".
"Plus, those short skirts you wear make me really horny"?
Cat
Hey, hey, hey, hey! I hate to break up the party, but is there somebody missing?
Cat
Well: Lister, female opposite; Rimmer, female opposite. Where's mine?
DDebs
Oh, right. Mooching around on the Cargo Decks, I think.
Cat
Ohh! All my life I've waited for this moment, and now it has arrived! Hey, listen, if you hear me screaming, do not - I repeat, do not - come to the rescue! (whoops) [runs from the room, singing] I'm gonna get you, little kitty...
DDebs
I think he's in for a bit of a shock.
DDebs
His opposite isn't female.
Red Dwarf · 473 quotes
