“Me²”
In this episode: Arnold Rimmer (5), Dave Lister (5), The Cat (2)
Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?
Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me.
Like what?
Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.
I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.
Yo, I didn't know you had any medals. What are they for?
Three years long service. Six years long service. Nine years long service... Twelve years long service.
Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.
C'mon, that was a joke!
Yes Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.
STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!
[through a megaphone while on roller skates] Hello, hello, testing, testing, one one one, me me me! Attention all lady cats! I am feeling very very sexy! Can you hear me, lady cats? My body is available!
[through his megaphone] SHUT UP!
Will you stop doing that?
I'm trying to watch the film!
I'm only eatin'!
No, eating's when food goes in your mouth!
[revelling in having the room to himself] Ecstasy! We're talking mega ecstasy bliss! I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like! I'm a free man... And you see those socks? See 'em? They're going right where they belong, all over the floor where any self-respecting bachelor would keep 'em! I'm gonna have the bottom bunk, the big bunk! I'm gonna leave the top off the shampoo. I'm gonna squeeze the toothpaste right from the middle! In fact I'm gonna do all the things that drove him bonkers! I'm gonna crack me knuckles, I'm gonna grind me teeth, I'm gonna live for a change! Hee-hee! (sniffs)....Aw, smeggin' hell... (puts socks back in their basket)
[drunkenly telling the story behind his last words "gazpacho soup"] It was the greatest night of my life; I had been invited to the Captain's table. I had only been with the company FOURTEEN YEARS. Six officers and me... they called me "Arnold!" We had gazpacho soup for starters... I didn't know that gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold. I called over the chef and told him to take it away and bring it back hot! So he did... the looks on their faces still haunt me today! I thought they were laughing at the chef, when all the time they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup! I never ate at the Captain's table again. That was the end of my career. If only they'd mentioned it in basic training! Instead of having us climbing up and down ropes and crawling on your elbows through tunnels--if only just ONCE they would've mentioned that gazpacho soup was served cold--I would've been an admiral by now!...instead of a nothing, which is what I am, let's face it... I never got off the bottom rung, and do you know why? It's because I didn't have the right nobby parents! I'll bet Todhunter was fed gazpacho soup as soon as he was on solids! No, I'll bet he was breast-fed on it! One side gazpacho soup, the other side freely-dispensed chilled champagne!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red Dwarf pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
