Cat[singing] I'm gonna get you, little kitty, I'm gonna get you...
[He stops dead when he sees the Dog, looks straight at the camera]
Cat
I don't know what that is, but I'm sure he wants to eat me.
DDog
Well, trash my shorts, what a funny-looking dawg!
Cat
...better make myself look big! [raises his arms and snarls]
DDog
Put it there, Buddy, put it right there!
Cat
[reels from his breath] Argh! What kind of toothpaste does he use?! Rotting meat flavour?
DDog
Oh, come on now. I wanna be your buddy! Tell you what - I'm gonna smell your behind, and you can smell mine! Now, is that a deal?
Cat
You wanna smell my WHAT!?
DDog
Why sure! Don't you wanna smell me?
Cat
Man, I could smell you if you was on Mars! When was the last time you took a bath?
DDog
Oh please, don't say that word!
Cat
What, bath?
DDog
You said it again! Now listen up: if y'all gonna say that word in front of me, please spell it.
Cat
When was the last time you took a B - A - T - H.
[beat; Dog thinks about it]
Cat
Mm?
Did you ever see the Flintstones?
Cat
Of course.
Do you think Wilma's sexy?
Cat
Wilma Flintstone?
Maybe we've been alone in deep space for too long but every time I see that show, her body drives me crazy. Is it just me?
Cat
I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived.
That's good, I thought I was goin' strange.
Cat
She's incredible!
What do you think of Betty?
Cat
Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty...but I'd be thinkin' of Wilma.
This is stupid. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
Cat
You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
She'll never leave Fred and we know it.
[Cat and Lister are playing Scrabble.]
Cat
Hey hey hey, I've got you now, buddy! J, O, Z, X, Y, Q, K!
Cat
It's a Cat word.
Cat
That's not how you pronounce it!
Cat
It's the sound you make when you get your sexual organs trapped in something.
Cat
Well it could be, if you're reading in the nude and close the book too quick. Jozxyqk!!!
Is it me or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?
Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic...
We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone please tell me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?!
Cat
Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!
[Lister looks at the stasis pod, while suffering from Space Mumps]
So who is she, Holly?
Says on the pod, Barbara Bellini
Barbara Bellini, what a beautiful name. There's no justice, how can this happen to me? Maybe I can wear a turban and pretend I'm from India.
Cat
Maybe you can stick a spike in your head and pretend you're the Taj Mahal!
[Lister takes the witness stand]
[looks bewildered for a moment, then answers] Uh, bum.
Sir, would you describe the accused [Rimmer] as a friend?
Cat
Take the Fifth!
Sir, please answer the question. Remember you are under polygraphic surveillance: Would you describe the accused as a friend?
No, I'd describe the accused as a git.
And who would you say feels most fondly for him?
And there are no others who have shared intimate moments with him?
Only one, but she's got a puncture!
So, if it's not Bellini in there, who is it?
One of the prisoners. And considering the ship was transporting forty psychotic, half-crazed, mass-murdering, super-strong androids, we thought it prudent to find out who the smeg was in there before we woke them up.
With respect, sir, they're not androids. They're simulants.
Cat
What's the difference?
Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.
What? Oh. No. One-way process.
No. Lead lining. That's to survive in space, innit?
There must be some way of finding out.
Well, there is. All you 'ave to do is 'ang around 'ere for 24 hours. Then, if you find your limbs scattered across deep space and your neck full of saliva, you can take it as read it probably wasn't Babs.
[The crew are talking about how to go back to the bridge through closed doors.]
Cat
I've got it. We laser our way through.
An excellent plan, with just two drawbacks: One, we don't have a power source for lasers; and Two, we don't have any lasers.
Red Dwarf · 473 quotes
