Dave Lister quotes from Red Dwarf

I was in love once. A Sinclair ZX81. People said, no, Holly, she's not for you. She's cheap, she's stupid and she wouldn't load, well, not for me anyway.

Lister

What are you trying to say, Hol?

What I'm saying, Dave is, it's better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.

Why's that?

Anything's better than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.

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Rimmer, make this quick.

Sir, I wish to place on record that third technician Lister, David-

Quicker than that, Rimmer.

-smuggled aboard the mining vessel Red Dwarf a consignment of a hallucinogenic fungi Titan Mushrooms, more popularly known to the Space Beatnik community as "Freaky Fungus".

Is this true?

Lister

Erm, sort of.

On the morning of February the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J...

For crying out loud, Rimmer!

- the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.

Okay, I'm getting the picture.

Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of mushrooms. Having consumed this repast, second technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as a "voyage to trip-out city". To wit, a major hallucinogenic fit.

Lister, is this true?

Lister

No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.

The aforementioned Rimmer, to wit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychedelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous.

You'd better have a good reason for this, Lister.

Lister

I have, sir.

Why'd you do it?

Lister

I thought it'd be a laugh.

Right. Two weeks PD, Lister. Dismissed.

With respect, sir, the penalty for a crime of this nature is fifteen years imprisonment.

Lister

Thanks a lot(!)

Rimmer, I said dismissed.

Two weeks?

That's enough.

Two smegging weeks?

I said, that’s enough!

[salutes] With respect, sir, you've got your head right up your big fat arse!

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Lister

Listen, man, I'm sorry about those mushrooms, you know. I mean, I didn't know... I'm not totally reckless and irresponsible, for God's sake. I mean, when it comes down to it, I'm a pretty straight and honest geezer.

Where did you get them?

Lister

I nicked them. They were in a locker. They must have belonged to Headbanger Harris.

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Good book?

Lister

Yeah, it's alright.

I didn't think you read.

Lister

Don't much, but this is good.

What is it?

Lister

It's your diary.

WHAT!?

Lister

I didn't know you sent secret love letters to Carol McCauley.

Lister, that is my private, personal, private diary; full of my personal, private, personal things.

It's gone public.

I don't believe it! You've been reading it to the Cat?

Only the best bits!

Lister

[reading] "Carol McCauley, your eyes are like two limpid pools in the mornings".

Stop it.

Lister

"Your hair is like a golden waterfall".

Oh man!

Lister

"Plus, those short skirts you wear make me really horny"?

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What color is it supposed to turn?

Lister

Blue for not pregnant, which is the color it's gonna turn.

And red for pregnant?

Lister

Yeah.

[chants]Come on, you re-eds!

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It's changing colour!

Lister

What colour?

It is! It's changing colour!

Lister

What colour!?

I's blue for not pregnant, right?

Lister

Yes!

Good news Listy, excellent news!

Lister

Oh, thank god!

I'm going to be an uncle!

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[trying to demonstrate his flirtation technique] Would you like to join me in a cocktail?

Lister

No.

You can't say no... it doesn't work if you say no, you've gotta say yes!

Lister

Right, okay, go on.

Would you like a worm-do?

Lister

What's that then?

What's what?

Lister

A worm-do.

What about it?

Lister

...Is this still the opening line?

You're not giving me the right reply!

Lister

What is the right reply?!

I ask if you want to join me for a cocktail, you say yes; I ask if you want a worm-do, you say 'what's a worm-do?' and then I say-

Lister

'Oh, it wriggles along the ground like that.'

You know it.

Lister

Rimmer, you could not pull a rotten tooth out of a dead horse's head with that one!

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Lister

[holds up the Holly Hop Drive] Is this it?

What do you think?

Lister

It's just a box with "stop" and "start" on it!

It's fairly straightforward. If you want to start it you press "start". I'll leave you to work out the rest of the controls for yourself.

It's absolutely pathetic.

Right. Let's Holly Hop. Engage drive... drive engaged. Initiating ignition sequence... ignition sequence initiated.

Get on with it.

It takes time, this. One slight error in any of my thirteen billion calculations and we'll be blasted to smithereens. Here we go, then: 10, 9, 8, 6, 5-

You missed out the seven.

Did I? I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens.

[sing-song voice] We're going to di-ie.

No problem. I'll start lower down. 1, blast off.

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Hey, hey, hey, hey! I hate to break up the party, but is there somebody missing?

DDebs

How d'you mean?

Well: Lister, female opposite; Rimmer, female opposite. Where's mine?

DDebs

Oh, right. Mooching around on the Cargo Decks, I think.

Ohh! All my life I've waited for this moment, and now it has arrived! Hey, listen, if you hear me screaming, do not - I repeat, do not - come to the rescue! (whoops) [runs from the room, singing] I'm gonna get you, little kitty...

DDebs

I think he's in for a bit of a shock.

Lister

Why?

DDebs

His opposite isn't female.

Lister

What is it?

DDebs

It's a dog.

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Lister

Cat.

Mm?

Lister

Did you ever see the Flintstones?

Of course.

Lister

Do you think Wilma's sexy?

Wilma Flintstone?

Lister

Maybe we've been alone in deep space for too long but every time I see that show, her body drives me crazy. Is it just me?

I think in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived.

Lister

That's good, I thought I was goin' strange.

She's incredible!

Lister

What do you think of Betty?

Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty...but I'd be thinkin' of Wilma.

Lister

This is stupid. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?

You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.

Lister

She'll never leave Fred and we know it.

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Is that what I think it is?

Lister

What do you think it is?

An orange whirly thing in space!

Lister

It's a time hole. That's where they are. We're going in.

Are you crazy We can't go in there!

Lister

Why not?

Orange, with this suit?

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Lister

[on not everything being right in the backwards universe] What about St. Francis of Assisi? In this universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals! Or Santa Claus? What a bastard!

Eh?

Lister

He's the big fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kids' favourite toys!

[the hidden message in the club owner's rant]

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You know, it could have worked. It really could. Where's the Cat?

Lister

He won't be long. He's...you know...in the bushes.

Lister

We've got to stop him!

DON'T ASK!

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[While Lister is examining his 19th century toy soldiers] Please be careful with those, they're antiques! How's General Dumuoriez going to look with goat vindaloo all over his tunic?

Lister

It'll make him look more realistic, it'll look like he's got dysentery.

Marooned

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He told me that in a previous incarnation I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.

Lister

You know what? I believe you.