Scenes with Dave Lister 199
[Lister finds Kryten ironing in the sleeping quarters, now decorated like something from Pride & Prejudice]
Lister What the smeggin' hell is going on?
Good afternoon, Mister David, sir.
Lister [Holds up a pair of boxer shorts] What are these?
Your boxer shorts, Mister David, sir.
Lister No way are these my boxer shorts, these bend! What have you done to the place?
I've done a spot of tidying up.
Lister But where is everything? Where's me coffee cup with the mould in it?
Lister But I was breeding that mould! His name was Albert! I was trying to get him two foot high!
Lister Because it drives Rimmer nuts! And driving Rimmer nuts is what keeps me going.
Lister Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they are properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce !
True, but after the way I thought they were going to turn out they were quite (does a little kiss) superb! (French accent)
Lister So how's the Cat?
Oh, he's just sleeping off the stomach pump...He'll be alright, the lamb was a bit of a flop though.
Lister The Lamb!? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that Lemon Meringue Pie, man, what was in that?
I thought you liked that! You bought some back.
Lister Yeah....I wanted to try some out on my Athlete's Foot!
I'm so hungry. I just have to eat!
Lister Shh... Rimmer's dad's died.
[while Lister is sorting through the mail] You'll send away for every bit of tat, just so you'll have some mail to open.
Lister Me... Me... Me...
"Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit! Four super brushes for cleaning even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals! Yes, I am over 18, although my IQ isn't."
Lister Smeg! Outland Revenue!
[sarcastically] Oh, oh, oh, oh! Outland Revenue!
Lister 8500!
8500? That's a lot of tax, isn't it, Listy? How on Titan are you going to pay for that?
Lister I'm not. It's yours.
What? This is wrong! This is dead wrong!
Lister Relax, it doesn't matter now. Not gonna catch you now, are they?
What? Just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct? That means nothing to these people. They'll find us.
I'm just trying to rehabilitate myself, trying to do the everyday, normal things that most living people take for granted.
Lister You've got the skutters to help you.
What? Pinky and smeggy Perky? What use are they? It's like giving Blind Pew contact lenses.
Lister They only do what you tell them to.
Ah, but they don't, do they? You say, "Keep an eye on that lamb", and they do - they sit there for three hours and watch it burn!
Lister [returning to mail sorting] Another one for you. "Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer".
Lister "Rear Admiral"?
Every time I take an exam, I tell her I passed. It's getting embarrassing now. I should be Commander in Chief of the whole universe.
Lister What time is it?
[blearily crawls over to the clock on the bedside table ] ....Saturday.
Lister That the best you can do?
There are some numbers beside it, but they could be anything.
I want a triple fried egg sandwich...
Lister With chili sauce and chutney!
Lister It's a state-of-the-art sarnie!
It's the state of the floor I'm worried about.
It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.
Lister It's well naughty. The trick is to eat it before the bread dissolves.
It's amazing Where did you get the recipe?
Lister I'm not sure.... I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.
Lister And for this very special occasion I have baked - a cake.
Lister It's in the shape of a spanner, Holly, cos he was a technician.
Well, that's very apt, that is. If he'd been a postman you'd have baked it in the shape of an envelope, I suppose?
Lister Yeah!
Gordon Bennett, it's lucky he's not a gynaecologist.
I feel like I'm having a baby!
Lister It's good, innit?
It's incredible! Where did you get the recipe from?
Lister I can't remember...I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.
It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.
Lister It's well naughty. The trouble is, you've gotta eat it before the bread dissolves.
[The crew are puzzled by the apparently missing days on board the ship, the fact that Lister's jigsaw has been completed, and both he and the cat have a broken foot/leg. Rimmer suspects aliens.]
Lister So, aliens came on board.
Lister They broke my leg.
And then they did a jigsaw...well that's cleared that up...
Lister OK, professor, what does it mean?
Right, breaking your leg 'hurts like hell'. HELL, okay? They do it beLOw the knee, LO; 'HEL-LO', get it? They do it twice, twice; 'TWO'. HELLO TO. And jigsaw must mean YOU. HELLO TO YOU!
...I'd hate to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech!
On the morning of Febuary the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J...
For crying out loud, Rimmer!
- the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.
Okay, I'm getting the picture.
Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of mushrooms . Having consumed this repast, second technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as a "voyage to trip-out city" . To whit, a major hallucinogenic fit.
Lister No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.
The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychadelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous
Cat [to Rimmer] : What is it?
It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat [to Lister] : What is it?
Lister The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat [to Rimmer] : What is it?
It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat [to Lister] : What is it?
Lister It's a hole back into the past.
Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?
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Lister
