Dave Lister quotes from Red Dwarf

Rimmer

Twelve?! (pause) You can't have been a full member of the golf club, then.

Lister

Of course I wasn't! It was just a place to go!

Rimmer

You did it (i.e. have sex) on a golf course and you weren't a member?

Lister

It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anythin'!

Rimmer

Imagine getting your golf ball stuck in Lister's buttock crevice. You'd need more than a niblick to get that out.

Lister

Are you saying I've got a big bum?

Rimmer

Big? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.

Lister

[on losing his virginity] Michelle Fisher. The eighth hole of Bootle Municipal Golf Course. Par 4, dogleg to the right, in the bunker behind the green.

Rimmer

You lost your virginity on a golf course? How'd you have the nerve?

Lister

It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anythin'! It was midnight.

Lister

She took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me, completely naked. I was so excited I nearly dropped me skateboard!

Rimmer

Skateboard? How old were you?

Lister

Twelve.

Rimmer

Twelve?! Twelve years old? Twelve?! (pause) You can't have been a full member of the golf club, then.

Lister

Of course I wasn't!

Rimmer

You did it on a golf course and you weren't a member?

Lister

'Course I wasn't!

Rimmer

Didn't pay any green fees or anything?

Lister

It was just a place to go!

Rimmer

I used to play golf, I hate people who abuse the facilities! I hope you raked the sand back nicely after you'd finished. Imagine getting your ball stuck in Lister's buttock crevice. You'd need more than a niblick to get that out.

Lister

Are you saying I've got a big bum?

Rimmer

Big? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.

Rimmer

David, do you have anything you want to bring to this forum?

Lister

Well yes, I have actually, Arnold. Why don't we go down to the ammunition stores, get a nuclear warhead and then strap one to my head! I'll nut the smegger to oblivion!

Cat

Hey hey hey, I've got you now, buddy! J, O, Z, X, Y, Q, K!

Lister

That's not a word.

Cat

It's a Cat word.

Lister

Jozxyqk?

Cat

That's not how you pronounce it!

Lister

What does it mean?

Cat

It's the sound you make when you get your sexual organs trapped in something.

Lister

Is it in the dictionary?

Cat

Well it could be, if you're reading in the nude and close the book too quick. Jozxyqk!!!

Lister

[having jumped into a slide showing Hitler at Nuremburg] Ignore him, he's a complete and total nutter, and he's only got one testicle!

Rimmer

What is he doing? He's scuffling with Adolf Hitler. You can't just stick one on the leader of the Third Reich!

Lister

[comes back out] I nicked his briefcase!

Rimmer

I used to be in the Samaritans.

Lister

I know. For one morning.

Rimmer

I couldn't take any more.

Lister

I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!

Rimmer

Well, it's not my fault everyone chose that day to jump out of buildings! It made the papers, you know. "Lemming Sunday," they called it.

Kryten

Is it me or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?

Rimmer

Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic...

Lister

We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone please tell me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?!

Cat

Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!

Kryten

It's alright sir, he's buffing he's programed not to harm humans.

Rimmer

Ah, 'scuse me. Alright miladdo the party's over. I had about as much of this as I'm goona take. It's no good standing there with your chest and silly oiled nipples; doesn't impress me one bit. Now I don't know were you came from, and frankly I don't much care, but if you don't skidaddle pronto, you're going to see a side of me you won't much like.

Lister

Whats he gonna do, drop his trousers?

Kryten

He's an android. His brain couldn't handle the concept of there being no silicon heaven.

Lister

So how come yours can?

Kryten

Because I knew something he didn't.

Lister

What?

Kryten

I knew I was lying. No silicon heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?

Kryten

Is this the human value you call...friendship?

Lister

Don't give me that Star Trek crap, it's too early in the morning.

Kryten

How do you take the safety catch off on this thing, Mr David? (Holding up bazookoid)

Lister

The one on the back - at the side.

Kryten

The blue switch?

Lister

No, the orange one!

Kryten

I can't see an orange switch. There's a red switch here...

Lister

No, don't touch the red switch! That's the dismantler!

A metaphysical dichotomy has caused this unit to overload and shut down. Divadroid International would like to apologise for any inconvenience this may cause. A credit note will be forwarded to your company immediately.

Lister

What happened?

Kryten

He's an android. His brain couldn't handle the concept of there being no Silicon Heaven.

Lister

So how come yours can?

Kryten

Because I knew something he didn't.

Lister

What?

Kryten

I knew I was lying. No Silicon Heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go? (he and Lister fistbump)

Cat

What was it like being a hamster?

Lister

It was better than being a chicken. Have you seen the size of an egg? Seen the size of a chicken's bum? That's what all the clucking was about. I was trying to say in chicken-talk "for God's sake, give me an epidural!"