Dave Lister quotes from Red Dwarf

Lister

They aren't margaritas, that's urine recyc!

Lister

Rimmer, don't take this the wrong way, but how could you be the next Ace? I mean, you're a gutless, spineless, gormless, directionless, neurotic, underachieving, snivelling, cowardly pile of smeg. No offence. But, get real, man. Most eunuchs have got more balls than you.

Lister

To pee or not to pee, that is the question.

Lister

I AM NOT HAVING A GOOD DAY!!!

Lister

I'm losing it, man, otherwise I'd never be thinking stuff like that. Kissing Rimmer? I'd rather be bobbing for apples at the Reading festival!

Lister

If the future is all worked out, horoscopes all that stuff . . . It means we're not responsible for any thing we do. It means we're just actors sayings lines in a script written by somebody else. I don't want to believe that. I want to believe I'm in charge of me own life. Me own destiny.

Lister

I was trying to get a sick note, but the doc thought I was faking and didn't accept it was possible to get athlete's hand.

Lister

No the moose aren't in the cars, antlers out the sun roof! They're in the roads, mooseing about, crossing roads, causing accidents!

You mean they're not looking left and right?

Lister

Exactly.

Not using the pedestrian crossings?

Lister

Exactly!

Not paying attention as to whether it's a little green man or a little red man? Of course they're not, they're mooses!! Jeez... Swedes: they expect too much!

Lister

(About Craig Charles, his actor) I'm so glad I'm not him. The guy's a wreck. And pretending to be someone else all day, that's no way to make a living. Smeghead.

Lister

Who needs a denti-bot anyway, man? Half a bottle of GELF hooch, can't feel a thing now...anywhere. Starting to worry, actually.

Lister

(After cutting off Cat's ponytail) Stage one achieved. What do we do now?

Lister

Where's Paranoia?

I killed him, cha cha cha.

Lister

What do you mean, "I killed him, cha cha cha"?!!

Kryten

(Speaking to the skeletal crew) Well, here they are.

Rimmer

(Enters and bows) Carmita...(Sees the skeletons and stays in his bow, jaw agape)

Lister

Well...it's a bit difficult to know what to say. Isn't it, Ace?

Kryten

Well, isn't anybody going to say, "Hello?"

Lister

(To Rimmer) I think the blonde one's giving you the eye.

Kryten

Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted. I'll just go and fix some tea. (Exits)

Cat

(To the skeleton of Tracy) Hi, baby!

Rimmer

I don't believe this.

Lister

Be strong, Big Man!

Rimmer

Our first contact with intelligent life in three million and two years and it's the android version of Norman Bates.

Cat

Come on, guys. So they're a little on the skinny side.

Lister

Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time or place to say this but my mate, Ace, here is incredibly, 'credibly brave!

Rimmer

Smeg off, dog food face!

Lister

And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends!

Rimmer

I'm warning you, Lister!

Kryten

(Noticing the silence) Well, is anything the matter?

Rimmer

Anything the matter? They're dead.

Kryten

Who's dead?

Rimmer

(Pointing to the skeletons) They are dead. They're all dead.

Kryten

My God! Well, I was only away two minutes!

Rimmer

They've been dead for centuries!

Kryten

No!

Rimmer

Yes!

Kryten

Are you a doctor?

Rimmer

You've only got to look at them. They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget! [The "Mc" is edited out of all American broadcasts]

Kryten

Well, what am I going to do? I'm, I'm, I'm programmed to serve them.

Lister

I think the first thing we should do is bury them.

Kryten

You're that sure they're dead?

Rimmer

(Exasperated) Yes!

Kryten

(Indicating the skeleton of Anne) What about this one?

Rimmer

There's a simple test. (To the skeletons) All right, girls, hands up, those of you who are alive.

Cat

Look at my hands, I had lovely hands!

Lister

Well, wear the smeggin' gloves!

Cat

Marigolds with blue? Are you crazy!?

We are talking jape of the decade. We are talking April, May, June, July & August fool. Yes, that's right... I am Queeg.

WHAT??!!

Queeg never existed, it was me all along.

WHAT??!!

Wheeze of the week, mate!

WHAT??!!

"Going around in circles for 14 months." "Getting all my information from The Junior Colour Encyclopedia of Space." The respect you have for me is awesome, innit?

Lister

Are you tellin' me you staged the whole thing??

(in Queeg's voice) That's right, suckers! (in his normal voice) And the moral of the story is... appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!