Dave Lister quotes from Red Dwarf

Lister

I HATE snakes, they freak me out TOTALLY, snakes. They are my all time second worst fear, guy.

Rimmer

What's your first?

Lister

[opens the bin to reveal an enormous salivating alien monster] This.

Lister

(Holding up a banana) Okay, let's try again. What is it?

Kryten

It's a banana.

Lister

No, it isn't. Try again. What is it?

Kryten

It's a banana?

Lister

(Exasperated) No, it isn't! What is it?

Kryten

It's an orrrr....It's an orrrr....

Lister

It's an orange! Go on, say it. It's an orange! This! Is! An orange!

Kryten

It's an orrrr...It's an orrrr...It's a banana!

Cat

What the hell is all this down my chair? Peanuts?

Lister

No, I've been trimming my veruccas.

Cat

You have personal habits that would make a monkey blush.

Lister

You really think I'm that psychotically disgusting, don't you? They're peanuts, OK?

Cat

Real peanuts?

Lister

Yeah.

Cat

[eats the peanuts] Where'd you get them?

Lister

Derelict, couple of months back. I found them in the dead Captain's old donkey jacket.

Lister

Don't look at me like that. You enjoyed that Mint Imperial, didn't you?

Cat

Where'd you get that?

Lister

He was sucking that when he got shot! I had to prise his jaws open with a car jack.

Cat

You think I believe anything you say!

Kryten

Whatever it is, they clearly have a technology way in advance of our own!

Lister

So do the Albanian State Washing Machine Company.

Rimmer

Suggestions?

Kryten

Sir, may I recommend I load myself into the reverse-thrust tubes and you use my body as decoy fodder? This will of course leave me splattered across deep space and unable to complete today's laundry, for which I apologise in advance.

Rimmer

Kryten, stop your blathering and get in the damn tube. [Kryten nods and stands up]

Lister

Kryten, sit down! [Kryten sits back down] I'm not doing me own smegging ironing.

Rimmer

Open communication channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies and in all known languages, including Welsh. This is acting senior officer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vessel StarBug. Now hear this. It's only coming once. We surrender, totally and without condition, thank you for listening. Oh, additional, sorry for taking your valuable time. Sorry, thank you, bye, sorry, thank you bye.

Lister

Rimmer, you got a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diacritic camels.

Lister

Wait a minute. Have anyone ever seen Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Vampire Bikini Girls?

Kryten

I think that one slipped us by, sir.

Lister

Well, there's this one scene, when the good-looking unconventional female journalist who wore glasses and a tight sweater was trapped, deep in the bottom of the Surfboarding Killer Vampire Bikini Girls' lair, and she came up with this award-winning escape plan.

Lister

What - you're us? All four of us? Our combined minds and personalities, blended together?

Oh, but much more than that, exponentially more. The whole becomes far greater than the sum of its parts.

Rimmer

So we can't leave because you're us? You're created from us? If we leave, you cease to be.

Without you, my friends, I am quite literally nothing.

Cat

So if he's us, he can't hurt us, right?

Cat

Wrong.

Kryten

But this is insane. Hurting us is hurting yourself. Our pain is your pain.

Kryten, you forget: not only do I possess your combined intellects and memories, I also share the sum of your malice and rage and anger, magnified many times. I'm capable of quite insanely irrational behaviour. Watch.

The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up...here (holding the scalpel to his scrotum).

Kryten

Legion, that kind of tough talk doesn't scare us.

Yes, it does!

Lister

What have I signed up for?

Rimmer

In the 19th century, when miners went down a pit: they'd lower a canary down first, in a little cage. [...] And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the canary did?

Lister

Complained to the Foreman?

Rimmer

It died, Listy! [Lister burys his face in the table and starts hitting himself in the back of his head] The canary's job was to go into the most dangerous, unpleasant and most smeggy situations and see if it could stay alive. Then they'd know if it was safe to send in the important people.

Lister

I'm gonna kill him!

Rimmer

How come you've never heard of the Canaries? They've got recruitment posters all over the men's bogs! How come you've not seen them?

Lister

When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look around; d'yknow what I'm saying? It's like playing golf; I concentrate on my grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side!

Rimmer

The Canaries! You know what they say it's supposed to stand for? Convict Army, Nearly All Retarded Inbred Evil Sheepshaggers! They haven't got an X chromosone to share between them!

Lister

Smeg. It gets worse as well.

Rimmer

(laughing) Worse! Go on!

Lister

I've signed you up too. I forged your signature. I signed everyone up! Cat, Kryten, Kris...

Rimmer

No way. No way am I becoming a Canary!

Lister

(part from a deleted scene) Too late, tweety-pie, there's your I.D badge and uniform!

Lister

[singing] To Ganymede and Titan, yes sir, I've been around...

Rimmer

Lister?

Lister

Hmm?

Rimmer

Have you ever been hit on the head with a welding mallet? No? Well, shut up, then.

Rimmer

[discussing his last exam] Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.

Lister

You what? You walked in there, wrote "I AM A FISH" four hundred times, did a funny little dance and fainted!

Rimmer

That's a total lie.

Lister

No, it's not. Peterson told me.

Rimmer

"No, it's not. Peterson told me." Lister, if you must know, I submitted a discourse on porous circuitry that was too... radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.

Lister

Yeah. You said you were a fish!

There are 169 people on this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?

Lister

You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy, 'cos he's such a smeghead!

Rimmer

Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?

[chuckling] Oh, Rimmer... You are a smeghead!

Captain Hollister

Just one more thing before we start the disco, Holly tells me he's sensed a non-human life form on-board.

Lister

Sir, it's Rimmer!

They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.

Lister

Peterson isn't, is he?

Everybody's dead, Dave!

Lister

Not Chen!

Gordon Bennett! Yes, Chen. Everyone. Everybody's dead, Dave!

Lister

Rimmer?

He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead. Everybody is dead, Dave.

Lister

Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?

Should've never let him out in the first place....

Rimmer

Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?

Lister

No. It's a chicken.

Rimmer

Right! You're on report. Two times in as many minutes, Lister. I don't know.