Dave Lister quotes from Red Dwarf

Rimmer

The Canaries! You know what they say it's supposed to stand for? Convict Army, Nearly All Retarded Inbred Evil Sheepshaggers! They haven't got an X chromasone to share between them!

Lister

Smeg. It gets worse as well.

Rimmer

(Laughing) Worse! Go on!

Lister

I've signed you up too.

Rimmer

I want no part of this.

Lister

Me neither.

Rimmer

We've gotta go.

Lister

Right now.

Rimmer

Not a minute to lose.

Lister

I'm dust.

Rimmer

Me too. After two. One, two, go!

Kryten

First, we sabotage the date.

Lister

What, "we"? You mean you're gonna help me?

Kryten

Step on board the "love express," sir! Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the guards. Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire universe. This is what you leave in his quarters. A half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer.

Lister

Is it? I like those.

Kryten

Then there's this: "Morris Dancer Monthly." What a total dweebo nerdmeister he'll look with those!

Rimmer

They're mine!

Kryten

And then there's these: tragically unfashionable underpants.

Rimmer

[exasperated] They're mine!

Kryten

And finally: Christian rock music. It that doesn't scare her off, nothing will.

Rimmer

Have you been going through my things?

Rimmer

My God, that is tragic.

Lister

Why, what's happened to him? Has he died?

Rimmer

Died?? You'd think he'd write and tell you?

Lister

No, you're right, man, I'm not thinking straight. He'd be to busy organising his funeral wouldn't he? What's happened to him?

Rimmer

Somthing catastrophic. Hideous. He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and is sending it here.

Lister

Brilliant!

Lister

You OK?

Rimmer

Of cause I'm not OK. I hate your guitar. If I wanted to share a cell with an irritating lump of wood, I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star!

Lister

I didn't think you thought I was THAT bad.

Rimmer

Didn't you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you?

Lister

You would've had a better chance if you started with the neck end.

Rimmer

I want no part of this.

Lister

Me neither.

Rimmer

We've gotta go.

Lister

Right now.

Rimmer

Not a minute to lose.

Lister

I'm dust.

Rimmer

Me too. After two. One, two, go!

Kryten

And now, I'm going to stare at a cracked floor tile. [He does so. The other inmates yell in displeasure.]

What's he doing that for?!

Kryten

Remember: Shower Night is a Pay-Per-View event. Start filling those buckets!

Rimmer

I don't believe this! He's running it like a business! There's even a bloke there selling ice creams!

Lister

Never mind him. Now. We got to go RIGHT NOW.

Rimmer

I'm going, I'm going.

Kryten

And now, I'm going to get close and personal with one of the showers, Miss Kristine Kochanski!

Rimmer

Fancy a choc-ice?

Lister

Hol: need some advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?

What do you want -- the long or the short version?

Lister

Oh. Long.

You're finished.

Cat

What's the short version?

Bye.

Rimmer

Now, destroy the time wand.

Lister

This machine's priceless!

Rimmer

Destroy it.

Lister

Wh-what do we do now??

Rimmer

Now...rebuild...the time wand! It's absolutely priceless!

You're drunk.

Lister

Drunk shir? No, sir.

Rimmer

No. No. No.

Who fancies a kebab?

Oh yeah!

Lister

Smeg! He's tricked us. (Rimmer collapses) Must've been the cherry trifle we had for lunch sir. Told him not to go back for seconds. (Snores)

Call the medi bay. we need two stomach pumps. Super suck.

Cat

I'm walking through the cargo deck, right? Minding my own damn business. When all of a sudden, you know that big tank on G deck?

Lister

He means the water tank.

Cat

Suddenly there is a disturbance on the surface of the tank and this massive testicle shoots out of the water and grabs me by the throat.

Lister

He means tentacle.

Rimmer

I hope so.

Lister

You were supposed to be manning the sonar, Rimmer! You could have gotten us all killed!

Rimmer

Is this about you again? It is, isn't it? Can't you see right now I need some me time? My heart is still hammering. I don't know how I got through that.

Lister

You wasn't even there!

Rimmer

I was nearly there. That's close enough for me.

Cat

Whats going to happen to everybody in the reality we left? The guys all watching us on T.V?

Kryten

Well, they will continue to exist as a consequence of us creating them in our hallucination, sir. Its quantum mechanics, every decision that is made creates a new universe, as do all dreams and hallucinations, its multi-verse 1.0.1.

Rimmer

But those sad suckers will live out the rest of their lives convinced they're the real ones and we are characters from a T.V show.

Lister

And you know if you tell them the truth, you know what they would probably do?

Rimmer

Laugh.

Lister

Yeah. [They all snigger] They probably would.

Where are you going?

Lister

I have to leave and get you back.

The real me? You'll never get me, I'm way out of your league!

Lister

I thought that too, but I was wrong.

You were right.

Lister

Nah, I'm pretty cool. I don't take any smeg. And even though I'm disgusting, sometimes I can be quite brave.

You'll never get me.

Lister

Yeah, I will.

Rimmer

[explaining a lateral thinking question.] 'It's 1971, a Swedish man crashes into a tree, what causes the accident?' There's nothing medical, nothing wrong with the car.

Lister

[deadpan.] Riiiight, so, um, this Swedish guy drives into a tree, what caused the accident.... Answer's in the back, right?

Rimmer

Right.

Lister

[milking it.] Well... That's a really hard one, that. I mean, probably gotta be pretty damn smart to get a question like that right. You know what, I'm gonna go for a moose.

Rimmer

A moose?! [scoffs.]

Lister

Yeah, it was in the road, he swerved to avoid the moose.

Rimmer

[checking.] Are you insane? That's never gonna be - it's a moose.

Lister

[wandering out.] Sometimes life is good.

Kryten

Ah, sir, you asked me to remind you, it's ten minutes til your exam-

Rimmer

Kryten, lateral thinking question, just got it myself. It's 1971, a Swedish man drives into a tree, what causes the accident?

Kryten

Well, it's a moose, sir, he swerves and hits a tree.

Rimmer

Is it me? How did you get that?

Cat

Get what?

I've got something for you. A lateral thinking question.

Cat

A lottery what?

Rimmer

Ahhh, I knew I could rely on you. What caused this accident?

Cat

[alert.] What accident?

Rimmer

No, no. It's a question, alright? Are you ready? It's 1971, a man-

Cat

Was he Swedish?

Rimmer

... Yes?

Cat

A moose! [Rimmer sags in resignation.] It was a moose! He swerved to avoid it, and hit a tree! Oh, and the moose is on the road, by the way - not in the car driving. Oww! Yea-ah! [dances out of the room.] Oww! Yea-ah!

Rimmer

He’s got a skullet.

Lister

A skull what?

Rimmer

A bald mullet. A skullet. Bald at the front, mullet at the back. You wouldn't want to go out in public with this guy.

Erin

Ha-ha! I lived in the land of Albion for ten full cycles of the moon, but I fled after my family were dragged screaming from my home to a mighty wicker tower, where they were sacrificed to the three gods: Toutatis, Esus and Taranis. First they were garrotted to death, then they were burnt to death, then they were drowned to death. Three deaths to appease the three gods. Then the druids drank their blood and ate their meat and said the harvest would be bountiful.

Lister

Right. Have you got any lemons?