Arnold Rimmer quotes from Red Dwarf

Like many people who appear to have everything, Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy. Well, actually it hasn't, but we can only hope. Now onto Dr Bob Porkmann, father of the condom that calls you back.

Rimmer

Freeze. I've seen enough.

What you gonna do?

Rimmer

I'm going in. I'm going in to rescue him.

Rimmer

It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard!

Rimmer

I'm alive! I can touch, I can feel, I can fondle - I'm alive! Don't you think it's incredible?

Rimmer

I AM ALI -!

Cat

What was he saying? (Lister shrugs)

Rimmer

I used to be in the Samaritans.

Lister

I know. For one morning.

Rimmer

I couldn't take any more.

Lister

I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!

Rimmer

Well, it's not my fault everyone chose that day to jump out of buildings! It made the papers, you know. "Lemming Sunday," they called it.

Kryten

Is it me or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?

Rimmer

Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic...

Lister

We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone please tell me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?!

Cat

Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!

Kryten

It's alright sir, he's buffing he's programed not to harm humans.

Rimmer

Ah, 'scuse me. Alright miladdo the party's over. I had about as much of this as I'm goona take. It's no good standing there with your chest and silly oiled nipples; doesn't impress me one bit. Now I don't know were you came from, and frankly I don't much care, but if you don't skidaddle pronto, you're going to see a side of me you won't much like.

Lister

Whats he gonna do, drop his trousers?

I never had a mum either.

Rimmer

Well, you can all have mine. Everyone else did.

Kryten

Name?

Lister

Dave Lister.

Kryten

Occupation?

Lister

[looks bewildered for a moment, then answers] Uh, bum.

Kryten

Sir, would you describe the accused [Rimmer] as a friend?

Cat

Take the Fifth!

Kryten

Sir, please answer the question. Remember you are under polygraphic surveillance: Would you describe the accused as a friend?

Lister

No, I'd describe the accused as a git.

Kryten

And who would you say feels most fondly for him?

Lister

Well, I do.

Kryten

And there are no others who have shared intimate moments with him?

Lister

Only one, but she's got a puncture!

Rimmer

Objection!

Overruled.

Kryten

I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man [points at Rimmer] ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awesome stupidity --

Rimmer

Objection!

Objection overruled.

Kryten

A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defense counsel. What an overzealous trumped up little squirt!

Lister

So, if it's not Bellini in there, who is it?

Rimmer

One of the prisoners. And considering the ship was transporting forty psychotic, half-crazed, mass-murdering, super-strong androids, we thought it prudent to find out who the smeg was in there before we woke them up.

Kryten

With respect, sir, they're not androids. They're simulants.

Cat

What's the difference?

Kryten

Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.

Lister

Can we stop it, Hol?

What? Oh. No. One-way process.

Lister

Can't we X-ray the pod?

No. Lead lining. That's to survive in space, innit?

Lister

There must be some way of finding out.

Well, there is. All you 'ave to do is 'ang around 'ere for 24 hours. Then, if you find your limbs scattered across deep space and your neck full of saliva, you can take it as read it probably wasn't Babs.

Kryten

Oh, sir, can we take a break for a while? It appears my intelligence circuits have melted.

Rimmer

Kryten, we're not going to get through them all if we take a second break.

Kryten

Sir, that's a gamble I'm willing to take!

Cat

Come on, man, you gotta sacrifice your life. I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do.

Rimmer

You? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?

Cat

No! I'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew.

Lister

Computer Senility. It's such a weird condition.

Kryten

I know. I had a mechanoid friend once who suffered from the same affliction. His name was Gilbert, but he preferred it if people called him "Rameses Niblick the Third, Kerplunk Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble?". A sad case.

Rimmer

Well, if you ask me the eskimos had the right idea. They kmew how to handle the elderly and the permanently baffled: middle of the night, they'd take the out into the blizzard, remove their pyjamas, and just leave them to it.

Kryten

That's how eskimos cared for their old people

Rimmer

Absolutely. That's why there's no eskimo word for 'Eastbourne'.

Kryten

Umm, can anyone hear anything?

Cat

No.

Kryten

Exactly, no one can hear anything, and do you know why we can't hear anything?

Rimmer

(annoyed) Why?

Kryten

(in a spooky voice) Because there are no sounds to hear!

Rimmer

Kryten, isn't it around this time that your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning?

Lister

Let me get this straight. Is she doing what I think she's doing?

Cat

Why? What do you think she's doing?

Lister

Playing pool with planets.

Rimmer

Is that possible?

Lister

Well, it's not going to work. It's completely insane. It's whacko. It's noodle-doodle.

Cat

I'm with you, buddy.

Lister

No, not the idea, the shot. There's not enough side.

Rimmer

"Side?"

Lister

Yeah, side-spin. It's a complete mis-cue.

Rimmer

What are you drivelling about, Lister? We're talking about a computer with an IQ in excess of twelve thousand.

Lister

Doesn't mean she can play pool. I can. Trust me. I know whereof I speak. Aigburth Arms on a Friday night, they used to call me Dave "Cinzano Bianco" Lister, 'cause once I was on the table, you couldn't get rid of me. This pool arm is as sound as a dollarpound, and I promise you that shot will not come off! She's topped it, that's what she's done, she's topped it! It's a felt-ripper! That planet is off the table and into somebody's pint of beer!

Rimmer

You're going to drink an entire six-pack of wicked-strength lager?

Lister

I'm not going to get plastered, Rimmer, just...just nicely drunk.

Rimmer

Define 'nicely drunk', is 'nicely drunk' horizontal or perpendicular?

Lister

Rimmer, I can handle it.

Kryten

I'm not sure I can!