Arnold Rimmer quotes from Red Dwarf

Rimmer

[fuming] Lister and mother. It's a dream come true.

[disguised as Rimmer's mother] He's so energetic! I honestly thought my false teeth were going to fall out!

Rimmer

How lovely.

The positions he bent me into...!

Rimmer

Terrific. That sounds enchanting. Well done.

And the things this boy can do with Alphabetti Spaghetti...!

Cool it, Arnie!

Rimmer

ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?!?! [the Polymorph drains his anger]

Rimmer

May I remind you of Space Corps Directive 34124?

Kryten

34124? "No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero-gravity"?

Rimmer

Suggestions?

Kryten

Sir, may I recommend I load myself into the reverse-thrust tubes and you use my body as decoy fodder? This will of course leave me splattered across deep space and unable to complete today's laundry, for which I apologise in advance.

Rimmer

Kryten, stop your blathering and get in the damn tube. [Kryten nods and stands up]

Lister

Kryten, sit down! [Kryten sits back down] I'm not doing me own smegging ironing.

Rimmer

Open communication channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies and in all known languages, including Welsh. This is acting senior officer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vessel StarBug. Now hear this. It's only coming once. We surrender, totally and without condition, thank you for listening. Oh, additional, sorry for taking your valuable time. Sorry, thank you, bye, sorry, thank you bye.

Lister

Rimmer, you got a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diacritic camels.

Lister

What - you're us? All four of us? Our combined minds and personalities, blended together?

Oh, but much more than that, exponentially more. The whole becomes far greater than the sum of its parts.

Rimmer

So we can't leave because you're us? You're created from us? If we leave, you cease to be.

Without you, my friends, I am quite literally nothing.

Cat

So if he's us, he can't hurt us, right?

Cat

Wrong.

Kryten

But this is insane. Hurting us is hurting yourself. Our pain is your pain.

Kryten, you forget: not only do I possess your combined intellects and memories, I also share the sum of your malice and rage and anger, magnified many times. I'm capable of quite insanely irrational behaviour. Watch.

The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up...here (holding the scalpel to his scrotum).

Kryten

Legion, that kind of tough talk doesn't scare us.

Yes, it does!

Lister

What have I signed up for?

Rimmer

In the 19th century, when miners went down a pit: they'd lower a canary down first, in a little cage. [...] And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was, guess what the canary did?

Lister

Complained to the Foreman?

Rimmer

It died, Listy! [Lister burys his face in the table and starts hitting himself in the back of his head] The canary's job was to go into the most dangerous, unpleasant and most smeggy situations and see if it could stay alive. Then they'd know if it was safe to send in the important people.

Lister

I'm gonna kill him!

Rimmer

How come you've never heard of the Canaries? They've got recruitment posters all over the men's bogs! How come you've not seen them?

Lister

When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look around; d'yknow what I'm saying? It's like playing golf; I concentrate on my grip, keep my eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side!

Rimmer

The Canaries! You know what they say it's supposed to stand for? Convict Army, Nearly All Retarded Inbred Evil Sheepshaggers! They haven't got an X chromosone to share between them!

Lister

Smeg. It gets worse as well.

Rimmer

(laughing) Worse! Go on!

Lister

I've signed you up too. I forged your signature. I signed everyone up! Cat, Kryten, Kris...

Rimmer

No way. No way am I becoming a Canary!

Lister

(part from a deleted scene) Too late, tweety-pie, there's your I.D badge and uniform!

Lister

[singing] To Ganymede and Titan, yes sir, I've been around...

Rimmer

Lister?

Lister

Hmm?

Rimmer

Have you ever been hit on the head with a welding mallet? No? Well, shut up, then.

Rimmer

[discussing his last exam] Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.

Lister

You what? You walked in there, wrote "I AM A FISH" four hundred times, did a funny little dance and fainted!

Rimmer

That's a total lie.

Lister

No, it's not. Peterson told me.

Rimmer

"No, it's not. Peterson told me." Lister, if you must know, I submitted a discourse on porous circuitry that was too... radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.

Lister

Yeah. You said you were a fish!

There are 169 people on this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?

Lister

You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy, 'cos he's such a smeghead!

Rimmer

Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?

[chuckling] Oh, Rimmer... You are a smeghead!

Rimmer

Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?

Lister

No. It's a chicken.

Rimmer

Right! You're on report. Two times in as many minutes, Lister. I don't know.

Mutiny, Lister?

Lister

I stood on his toe.

Rimmer

Maliciously, and with intent to wound.

Lister

It was an accident!

Rimmer

Lister, I put it to you, how is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident? You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire foot, thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty.

Lister

But the vital duty was that he was going to snap my guitar in half!

Rimmer

Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot.

Alright, that's enough.

Rimmer

Had there been a crisis situation, Lister, I would have had to perform my duties hopping, clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly therefore mutiny.

Finished?

Rimmer

However, I am not a vindictive man, so I don't intend to apply for the death penalty.

Rimmer

[jogging] Morning, Lister! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied space beatnik? What's the plan for the day, then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species. [jogs away]

Good morning, Rimmer.

Lister

Yo, look, Rimmer, I've been thinking.

Rimmer

What?

Lister

You know, about going into stasis and everything.

Rimmer

How did I do what?

Lister

What do you mean, "how did I do what"?

Rimmer

Lister, don't be a gimboid!

Lister

I'm not being a gimboid!

Rimmer

[turning away from Lister] I've just been in the library thinking, and I've decided... [pauses and looks annoyed] SHUT UP! Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I've decided that, when you go into stasis, I want to stay behind. I want to be left on.

Lister

What, on your own for the rest of your life?

Rimmer

What things?

Lister

Eh?

Rimmer

I said what?

Lister

What's going on?

Rimmer

[points into thin air and starts walking away from Lister] You are space crazy!

Lister

I'm space crazy? You're the one who's space crazy!

Rimmer

Well, it probably is deja vu, it sounds like it.

Lister

AAAH! Rimmer! I've just seen you walk out of that door!

Rimmer

What?

Lister

How did you do that?

Rimmer

How did I do what?

Lister

You just this second walked out of that door!

Rimmer

Lister, don't be a gimboid!

Lister

I swear on my grandmother's life that as you walked out of that door... [runs across the room, causing Rimmer to turn to face him] you came in this one!

Rimmer

I've just been in the library thinking, and I've decided...

Lister

Rimmer, I'm telling you!

Rimmer

Hold it. Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I've decided that, when you go into stasis, I want to stay behind. I want to be left on.

Lister

Rimmer, you've just come in and said exactly these things.

Rimmer

What things?

Lister

You said that.

Rimmer

I said what?

Lister

And that! You said that!

Rimmer

You are space crazy!

Lister

And then you said, "well, it probably is deja vu".

Rimmer

Well, it probably is deja vu, it sounds like it.

Lister

Well, go on, then, shake your head and walk out.

Rimmer

What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates.

Lister

Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.

Rimmer

We're mates! We're pals!

Lister

When?

Rimmer

Oh, come on, Lister! Laugh, laugh, laugh. Chuckle, guffaw, giggle. That's Rimsy and Listy!

Lister

When?

Rimmer

Millions of times.

Lister

When?

Rimmer

Ah... no... ah, how about the time your safety harness snapped and you fell into the cargo bay? We laughed then, didn't we?

Lister

I cracked me spine in three places.

Rimmer

Yes, but it was hilarious! We laughed like drains!

Lister

You laughed, I spent six weeks in traction.

Rimmer

And you spent the rest of the summer walking around like a croquet hoop! I laughed so hard I nearly puked...