[singing] To Ganymede and Titan, yes sir, I've been around...
Lister?
Hmm?
Have you ever been hit on the head with a welding mallet? No? Well, shut up, then.
“The End”
In this episode: Dave Lister (8), Arnold Rimmer (5), Captain Hollister (2), Holly (1)
[discussing his last exam] Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.
You what? You walked in there, wrote "I AM A FISH" four hundred times, did a funny little dance and fainted!
That's a total lie.
No, it's not. Peterson told me.
"No, it's not. Peterson told me." Lister, if you must know, I submitted a discourse on porous circuitry that was too... radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.
Yeah. You said you were a fish!
TTodhunter
There are 169 people on this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?
You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy, 'cos he's such a smeghead!
Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?
TTodhunter
[chuckling] Oh, Rimmer... You are a smeghead!
Just one more thing before we start the disco, Holly tells me he's sensed a non-human life form on-board.
Sir, it's Rimmer!
They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
Peterson isn't, is he?
Everybody's dead, Dave!
Not Chen!
Gordon Bennett! Yes, Chen. Everyone. Everybody's dead, Dave!
Rimmer?
He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead. Everybody is dead, Dave.
Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
Should've never let him out in the first place....
Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?
No. It's a chicken.
Right! You're on report. Two times in as many minutes, Lister. I don't know.
TTodhunter
Mutiny, Lister?
I stood on his toe.
Maliciously, and with intent to wound.
It was an accident!
Lister, I put it to you, how is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident? You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire foot, thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty.
But the vital duty was that he was going to snap my guitar in half!
Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot.
TTodhunter
Alright, that's enough.
Had there been a crisis situation, Lister, I would have had to perform my duties hopping, clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly therefore mutiny.
TTodhunter
Finished?
However, I am not a vindictive man, so I don't intend to apply for the death penalty.
You wanted to see me, Captain?
Where's the cat?
What? What cat?
Lister, not only are you so stupid you jeopardise every man and woman on this ship, not only that, you take a photo of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed in the ship's lab. Now, I'm going to ask you again. Do you have a cat?
No.
[holding up a photo of Lister and a cat] Have you got a cat?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red Dwarf pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.