Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Jimmy Carr

Do you know the Boomerang joke?

Stephen Fry

Go on.

Jimmy Carr

It'll come back to you.

Stephen Fry

I walked into that one.

Alan Davies

It just goes in the bin, doesn’t it, bubble wrap, once you’ve popped it.

Stephen Fry

Or you sit in front of the telly relieving yourself.

Stephen Fry

You know what I mean.

Alan Davies

Yes. But let’s get back to the bubble wrap.

Stephen Fry

What has 32 brains and sucks?

Alan Davies

[points towards the audience] The front row.

Stephen Fry

What would you find at the exact centre of the observable universe?

Alan Davies

You?

Johnny Vegas

Isn't the sun the centre of the universe?

Stephen Fry

[Bursts out in patronizing laughter, catches himself] Well, sorry for my laughter.

Johnny Vegas

What a way to build me confidence!

Aisling Bea

I thought that was a serious question as well and we both looked at you and you looked at us like the peasants of the land. "Will we ever be free of this tyranny? [throws back her head] Bwa, haw, haw! Never, never, never!"

Johnny Vegas

Doesn't the Wicked Hall Witch live there? Haw, haw haw...

Stephen Fry

I'm sorry that it sounded quite so patronizing. The centre of the universe is apparently Bank street and Sixth street in Wallace, Idaho or...

Johnny Vegas

The sun.

Stephen Fry

You beasts, you beasts, you unutterable beasts.

Jason Manford

They invented a theory to keep the argument alive?

Stephen Fry

Basically.

Jason Manford

I had an ex-girlfriend like that.

Stephen Fry

If you brought a cat or a dog to feed to the lions. Or the tigers. They had tigers as well. And they had bears.

Aisling Bea

Oh, my.

Jack Whitehall

[Gets a question right and rips open his shirt in excitement, baring his chest.]

Stephen Fry

You made a happy man feel very old.

Stephen Fry

Who likes clowns?

Jack Whitehall

UKIP supporters. They are kind fun and comical and wear silly clothes. But they are also terrifying.

They also have a lot of white faces.

Stephen Fry

How did Chicago get completely screwed up?

Sue Perkins

They brought Catherine Zeta-Jones in.

Stephen Fry

My legs went to jelly. I did this thing with Bear Grylls, where I had to rappell down a sheer face. I was never so terrified in my entire life. I got there, and I...

Alan Davies

Sorry, you rappelled down Bear Grylls face?

Stephen Fry

He chose the face.

Alan Davies

And then your legs went to jelly.

Stephen Fry

The really frightening thing was, you know, he took me to the edge and then there was 45 minutes...

Sue Perkins

Sorry, Bear Grylls took you to the edge?

Stephen Fry

[double facepalms]

Sue Perkins

Lightning goes upwards?

Stephen Fry

Oh, yes. Absolutely.

Sue Perkins

Wrong.

Phill Jupitus

I had no idea we had a hipster Napoleon.

Stephen Fry

Oh, yeah!

Phill Jupitus

Check it out. "Yeah, could I have a flat white please? Yeah, the jacket? I got it at this vintage place: it's great."

Stephen Fry

Why would you keep a leash on a leech?

Phill Jupitus

Is it a medicinal leech?

Stephen Fry

Yes it is.

Jo Brand

They use them in the NHS today, don't they?

Stephen Fry

Yes, they do. They absolutely do.

You put them on a wound, don't you? And they eat bits that are infected.

Phill Jupitus

No, that's the maggots.

Have I travelled back in time?

Stephen Fry

No!

Phill Jupitus

And migraine headaches are caused by a demon living in your head!

Does it hurt?

Stephen Fry

It doesn't really hurt much, no no.

Phill Jupitus

What do you mean, how'd you know?

Stephen Fry

Well, I'm told it doesn't hurt.

Phill Jupitus

I don't you and your public school ways. "Fry, time for a leeching!"

Alan Davies

"Scrotum!"

Phill Jupitus

"Yes, sir!"

Stephen Fry

It doesn't hurt as much as double...

Alan Davies

"It's time for his leeching."

Stephen Fry

It doesn't hurt as much as Dr. Stavely slamming your dick in a desk, I admit. But - Look, I love to shock you - it's sweet.

Do you remember John Wayne Bobbitt?

Phill Jupitus

Yeah, he went to Winchester.

Stephen Fry

Of course, we remember Bobbitt. His wife severed his...

Alan Davies

Yeah, she cut his penis off and threw it out of the window of a moving car, so it took some finding. But then they sewed it back on and he made some money out of porn films, weirdly.

Stephen Fry

He must have been rather impressed that a penis took some finding was found. He must have thought "Yes"!

That's why they found the right one: that would have been a disaster.

Phill Jupitus

I could imagine him at the line up. "Could I see number 3 again?"

Stephen Fry

You're too used to that program: that's just sick.

Stephen Fry

Who's in charge of all the ants?

Jo Brand

Adam.

Stephen Fry

Very good.

Jo Brand

NO!

Stephen Fry

We were there before you, I'm afraid.

Is it a queen?

Stephen Fry

A queen ant? Of course, that's gonna get a klaxon.