Eugene! Boy we have a really important job for you.
E Eugene
We'll get to it first thing Monday.
Today's Wednesday...Look this is not a request.
We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog.
Office. I need your two best guys to join me and be a part of my task force.
E Eugene
That would be Harris and Brett...But they're not here.
[Harris and Brett are clearly visible in the background]
Listen that stupid possum is on the golf course again. Would you rather I capture it myself and just call you so you can come and pick it up?
Hey Mark! Welcome to my haven.
You're the first non-me to set foot in here in ten years.
Ummm Ron none of this is up to code.
Sure it is! It's up to the Swanson code.
There's no drainage. Doesn't appear to be any ventilation. You got hazardous chemicals over here.
Yeah which only I'm breathing. The same liberty that gives me the right to fart in my own car. Are you gonna tell a man that he can't fart in his own car?
There is a basket of oil-soaked rags hanging above a wood-burning stove.
Good thing I've got a fire extinguisher. Which I assure you is totally up to your precious code.
Umm this says it should be recharged June of 1996.
Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those dates that the government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine. Observe. Watch yourself.
[Ron tries to use the fire extinguisher but only a little liquid dribbles out]
Okay. I'll replace this. Happy?
Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy. Act."
Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.
What do you mean that Fairway Frank is not here?
Here's the thing, Evelyn: We're not sure that the possum we caught is, in fact, Fairway Frank.
Leslie, whoever it is, it's a possum. And the sooner it's dead, the sooner the mayor can do what he wants with it.
...Does he want to have sex with a dead possum?
He's not a monster! He wants to stuff it and hang it above the urinal in his office bathroom so that little flecks of pee can get on it forever.
[Leslie, Tom, Jerry and Carl board a golf cart]
C Carl
WE USED TO HAVE THREE CARS ACTUALLY. THE FIRST ONE GOT PUSHED INTO THE CREEK BY SOME KIDS. THE SECOND ONE RACCOONS GOT ONTO. THERE WAS URINE EVERYWHERE. AND THE THIRD ONE WAS RECENTLY STOLEN.
C Carl
THIS IS THE SECOND ONE. THE RACCOON PISS ONE.
Why didn’t you just tell everybody the truth?
Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said.
[cut to Leslie impersonating Tom]
Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What’d you do for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?
That segment was a disaster! Don't ever fuck me like that again! This is Pawnee Fucking Today! Do you know that I bumped a cat that can stand up on its hinders for you?! You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my sight.
Clarence Carrington, David Moser, Michael Tansley, Ron Swanson. Gathered together on a beautiful day in this beautiful park. I think we should just take a moment and appreciate how lucky we are.
D David
I thought you were dead, Clarence.
C Clarence
No, I'm going to outlive you and then I'm going to nail your wife.
D David
Screw you, you old coot.
M Michael
Classic David. You're worse than Ron.
Shut your damn mouth, Tansley.
So if you had to sleep with one of the old guys, who'd it be?
Mm-hm. I'm an eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew his eyebrows off.
Where the hell are you going!? We have 91 more meetings!
I'm sorry Ron. As much as I would like to go for the all time City Hall single-day meetings record, there is an emergency! Someone is trying to alter a gazebo!
Do you want me to postpone the rest? Or I could set myself on fire and create a diversion!
So basically we're completely swamped. All hands on deck.
I don't even work in this building.
Don't care. I need anyone with a pulse and a brain to pitch in.
[walking in] Ron, do you need help with anything?
No, we're good, thanks. In fact, you can head home early.
C Citizen
Your department banned me from attending games just because I yell "You Suck" at the players.
According to the complaint you yelled it at 5-year-old girls.
C Citizen
WHO SUCK! WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND!?
C Citizen
I thought I was having this meeting with Ron Swanson.
I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's...currently dead.
I'm his daughter, April Swanson, and it's his last wish that I have this meeting with you.
W Woman
There's no way this ordinance goes through. There's too much red tape.
Mmm. This gridlock drives me nuts.
Yeah, I think you're gonna have to make an end run, y'know? Go right to the commissioner on this one.
W Woman
You know what? I haven't thought of that. That is a really great idea.
W Woman
I'm gonna do that.
OK. Your last resort is probably gonna be city council.
[Cut to April being interviewed]
I have no idea what I was saying.
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
