April was supposed to be the moat that kept the barbarians away from Swanson Castle. Instead, she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
MMan
I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday but I had a little car trouble.
Sorry he's busy right now.
[View of Ron carving a wooden swan in his office]
MMan
Oh Uh...well can I reschedule?
Sure. Hmm how about June 50th?
MMan
Sorry?
Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available then.
MMan
What is going on?
Looks like the only other day he has open is Marchtember Oneteenth. Does that work sir?
[The man hurriedly walks away. The phone rings and April hangs it up without answering it. Ron smiles and nods his approval]
Every year, Pawnee Cares teams up with the local cable access station to raise money for diabetes research. And it’s important because Pawnee is the fourth fattest town in the U.S. It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa and certain parts of the Mall of America.
I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.
I've been doing some thinking. I'm not gonna ask Ann to move in with me.
Why, is something wrong?
No, I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
[gasps]
I love her and I want a partner and....
[interrupting] Horseback! You should ask her on horseback. No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon...No, she should be on a hot air balloon and you should ride up on horseback. Oh wait...she's in a balloon, you ride up on horseback, you point to the sky - up there, skywriting, "Marry me Ann."
I think I can figure out the right way to ask her.
How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal. I mean, they have to repeat that story for the rest of their lives.
So you think I should do it though?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah definitely. Can you get five eagles? No, get ten eagles.
Leslie...
No, you're right, it's your life, get as many eagles as you want.
I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.
One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.
Recently I had been thinking about maybe leaving this job but I felt like I needed a sign. And then Ann broke up with me the week I was going to propose, the government got shut down, and yesterday one of those pigeons took a [bleep] on me. And I was indoors. So...
I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.
I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientists who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.
LLucy
My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and communists. He hated both.
I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor. Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property rights. Fish: for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
So are you happy to be back at work?
Well, our budget has been slashed to zero. I tried to buy fertilizer the other day for the soccer field. Request denied. We literally can't buy [bleep].
I want another nurse.
Well there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now.
Then I want a janitor. They can do what you do right?
Yep. Nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable.
Except no-one dresses up like a janitor when they wanna be slutty.
Leslie! Go home. You're sick.
I'm not sick. It's just allergies. Come on guys just let me in there!
No you can't come in here. Leslie you look tired and you're all sweaty.
You look tired and you're all sweaty all the time! What's your excuse?! You wanna go there Jerry!?
...No.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.